For $5,200, How Much Polish Do You Have?

In the 1880s Oklahoma’s Cimarron Territory was the scene of a flood of squatters, each seeking to claim land prior to local enactment of the Homestead Act. In contrast, today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe Cadillac Cimarron is a car that typically few want to claim, but perhaps this one’s price will make it squat-worthy.

I noted yesterday that I thought this was a good time to snap up Porsche 944s, owing to my feeling that they are rising in both interest and value. Unfortunately for the seller of yesterday’s 1989 S2 model, a narrow 52% of you felt that at its price this particular car would make an unwise investment.

And now, let us join Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman - quiet you - for a journey back in time. We’re going all the way back, about 70 million years, to the Cretaceous period, and to a vast forested plain in what is now Canada’s Saskatchewan region. Here, by a river’s edge lumbers one of the world’s all time bad-ass predators, the ginormous and terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex.

The massive beast steps into the silky soil on the riverbank, its huge claws sinking deep in the warm mud. Despite the high oxygen content of the late Cretaceous atmosphere, the immense carnivore's breathing is quick and labored. That’s because just a day or so prior, the Rex had gorged itself on an aged and sickly herbivore, and now that meal is not sitting right.

Standing in place on the bank, the Rex raises its huge tail to balance its now-lowered head, and slowly closes its eyes. From the imposing animal arises a sound that instills dread in the hearts of every lesser beast in the forest, like air escaping a balloon through its pinched opening- Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-pup-pup-pup-pup!

The Rex sighs and slowly shakes its head lamenting for the moment its incredibly acute sense of smell. Then, with a slight raise of its torso, and a furrowing of its brow, the great beast bears down again, sending a shiver from its broad nose all the way to the pointy tip of its tail. With a great and squishy whoosh its brown recluse opens like the Lincoln Tunnel and disgorges a huge, steaming, and bone-laden turd which proceeds to plop listlessly into the silt below.

Opening its eyes and feeling like it could breath again, the Rex raises its head and gives its body another shake. Owing to toilet paper having not yet been invented, nor possessing arms with the reach to use it had it been, the beast then trudges off to a nearby deep pool to cool the friction burn in its back door, caused by its digested meal's explosive departure.

The predator’s poop however remains behind, unwanted by the Rex, but a vital and disgusting part of the food chain for almost everything else from bacteria to the shrew-like nasties that would one day become people. In this case, that was not to be. This particular poo, through happenstance, became covered and protected from both snack attack and weather, eventually having its organic matter replaced by minerals over the ensuing millennia.

Even more eventually, - in 1991 in fact - it was discovered by the descendants of those shrews, in what is now the East River Valley. Called a coprolite, the fossilized feces is now one most prized possessions of the Royal Saskatchewan Museum. Being one of the only carnivore coprolites known today, time and rarity has truly put a shine on this T-Rex's turd.

For $5,200, How Much Polish Do You Have?

I bring this up as a point in consideration of today’s candidate which is. . . well, you figure out the connection. This 1986 Cadillac Cimarron D’Oro is said to be a one-owner car, and with less than 38K on its clock, the 2.8-litre V6 powered compact Caddy is likely to be one of the best examples of the marque you could find.

But why would you go looking?

Oh sure there’s the kitsch factor- owning the tarted up Cavalier being akin to being engaged to, say Amanda Bynes or Charles Manson. I mean people would be scared of you because you obviously just don't give a shit. The thing of it is, as dreadful as these cars were, they weren’t particularly unreliable, and in fact their J-car base is generally considered to be pretty rock solid.

For $5,200, How Much Polish Do You Have?

This ’86 is of the second generation, which was an attempt make the car a little more fancy. They got a longer nose, flush wrap-around lights front and rear, and an available 2.8-litre V6 in place of the original’s wheezer of a four. This is also has the D’Oro package with its goldilocks grille badging and whatnot.

The exterior looks good, the interior less so, the leather there looking craggy and much like our T-Rex friend in need of a crevasse cleaning. The plastic inside is several shades of brown and the styling is typical ‘80s GM rectilinear.

For $5,200, How Much Polish Do You Have?

The seller of this one-owner Cimarron is not shitting you when he says he expects to get $5,200 for this car, likely in his mind a price again set based upon its condition and rarity.

You need to determine if that’s an unreasonable price for what’s generally considered a turd of a Cadillac. Or if, like that Canadian Coprolite, this Caddy is worth that simply for having stood the test of time.

You decide!

eBay out of San Diego, or go here if the ad disappears.

A tip of the lid to Hardibro for the hookup!

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