With today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe Caddy Hearse you go in style, no matter what your final destination might be. Its price and condition however might just have you reaffirming the maxim that you probably can’t take it with you.

In Sweden they make hearses out of Volvos. If you’re not quite ready to ride to Valhalla however, maybe you’d prefer last Friday’s 2005 V70R, with its extensive maintenance records and rare as can be six-speed stick. And, with a massive 84% Nice Price win, that sexy Swedish wagon will also live to fight another day.

Of course, nothing lasts forever, which is some consolation to those of us here suffering through a seemingly interminable presidential election season. Thankfully, that too will eventually end. When many of us end, we’ll very likely be carted off to the big garage in the sky in a stately and elegant hearse. It’ll be a memorable experience.

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You’ll be dead though, and so won’t really get to enjoy that experience on as many levels as you potentially could, so why not buy this rare 1965 Miller-Meteor 3-Way Cadillac with a 429 and a sassy bad-boy attitude and experience it now?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “a three-way in a hearse? That’s both disrespectful and way creepy. What’s wrong with you?” Okay, first off, it’s not that sort of three-way. Secondarily, these things were designed for you to ride lying down so it’s really not that weird when you think about it.

The three-way actually pertains to the options afforded to casket entry and exit on the car. In 1963 Miller-Meteor, which at the time was one of the top hearse and ambulance makers, introduced their Tri-Matic loading system. That allowed the dear departed to dearly depart via either the rear door, or, if they had been swingers while alive, by swinging through the huge side-door openings made possible by the lack of a B-pillar in the design.

This one appears to lack the casket track, but it does have the door openings you could potentially jump a Mini through. It also rocks a .30-over 429 V8 that the ad says was rebuilt 15 years ago and which gets a stunningly bad 8 mpg. Hell, with gas at record low prices right now who cares if it drinks like a frat pledge?

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The ad further notes that the engine, as well as all other mechanicals, work as they should, and that the car drives great. On the sad trombone side of things it’s also claimed to be wet, having sat outside in the rain and the fog and the Peet’s Coffee that plagues Seattle locale where it presently resides. That means mold, and a bit of rust (it has new floorboards) and most likely a funk that would raise the dead. Best to bring a particulate respirator and a few gallons of Febreze along for that test drive.

Bring along a tire too because the car is apparently one short at present.

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You might also want to consider taking that shakedown spin at night as the car is at this time being offered covered in a vinyl wrap demonizing pornography as the death knell to marriage.

You know what I think is the the more likely marriage ender? Pulling into your driveway unannounced in an 8 mpg hearse with the word PORN emblazoned on the side. Just throwing that out there. I wonder if there’s any porn involving three-ways in a hearse? That might be an untapped market.

The wrap is removable, as such things come off with little more than a heat gun and a ton of swearing. The video provided in the ad explains the car’s present condition and has some interesting factoids - it was once owned by a nudist? - but in the end may just make you want to punch a kitten. To make up for that, have a look at how this car could potentially turn out.

Okay, so it’s a fairly rare coach-built model, but is in need of some attention. It doesn’t look like it would take much to get it reasonably road worthy, and the aesthetics are all easily rectified. The seller says that it’s titled but not currently registered so take that into account as well.

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The price is $4,000 OBO, or as my wife would say OMDB (Over My Dead Body.) Of course if that happened, I’d be set, right? Sad, but set.

What is your take on this rare hearse and that $4,000 price tag? Is that low enough to rescue this deadman’s Caddy from its current state? Or, is it the price and not the porn that would kill the marriage between this car and a prospective new owner?

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You decide!

Seattle Craigslist, or go here if the ad meets its maker.

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H/T to Grant Jones through Patrick George for the hookup!

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