Fascist Brits Won't Even Let You Shampoo Your Junk On The Bus

You know the world has spun completely out of control when an innocent elderly man can no longer shampoo his semi-erect penis on a public bus. I mean, where are these people living, in the Nazi People's Republic Of Nofreedomistan? They're just genitals, people — they get shampoo'd.

What was the poor old bastard supposed to do — wait until he was off the public bus, in full view of children, before he luxuriously lathered his semi-engorged penis and presumably sweaty testicles in the rich, foamy lather of shampoo? I don't think so. The freedom to liberate our naughty bits from the constricting restraints of underpants and give them a good, firm, vigorous shampooing — isn't that why we fought so hard to sign the Magna Carta back before the Boer war or whatever? Help me out here, Brits.

An article about this unjust crime against human dignity makes it pretty clear what happened, saying the man

"was caught shampooing his privates on a bus after becoming irritated with his underpants."

We can all relate, right? We've all been so irritated with our underpants that it's all we can do to not just whip out those gentials and start shampooing until everything seems just right again.

The man, Philip Milne (which is also the surname of Winnie-the-Pooh's creator) said

"...he had some issues with some briefs he was wearing and he was using ointment to soothe the area."

... according to the woman who made the formal complaint. She also stated

"He said he wasn't masturbating and resented everyone else on the bus for ganging up on him."

Exactly. I hope all you bus riders are ashamed of yourselves. You're making this a world where public genital-shampooing is no longer the cornerstone of human interaction, and that makes you all monsters.

Thanks a lot, British Obama.