Hey, you, did I tell you about my ride?
No? Well, it's 30 years old and so super rare that you've never seen such a car before, that's for sure. It's super light and agile and reliable just like a modern car. Amazing!
Well, you don't have to ask any of these other owners about their cars either. Trust me, they will do the talking...
10.) Panther Enthusiasts
Ford's Panther platform gave America cheap and reliable battleships for decades, but Louros says cheap is not always cheerful.
They drive some of the slowest, ugliest, heaviest, most outdated vehicles on the road but constantly feel the need to let everyone know how "great" they are.
"Oh, but they're cheap, parts are plentiful and they are easy to fix"
No. They suck. You're just too poor to afford anything nice. Get over yourselves.
9.) Quattro People
Audi people will tell you that their cars are smarter than BMWs or Mercs and that Quattro is in fact a synonym of Jesus Christ. Desu-San-Desu knows it's just an all-wheel drive system:
Oh my God, it's still running! Can you believe it? I CAN'T! The fact that my car can still move under its own power has restored my faith in a higher power! Those four rings? It's like the four signs of stigmata! Owning my Audi is like being a real-life Job- minus the lucky bits. But it's all worth it because when it rains my quattro basically means I become Noah in a flood of stranded cars of other, inferior German manufacturers. And Volvos. Fuck Volvos. Volvos are just wannabe Audis, without the trials and tribulations to weed out the faithless. People say owning an Audi is a religious experience and I agree- I know I've prayed more in the 2 years I've owned mine than I had during the rest of my life combined.
"I mean, sure, I had to take out a second mortgage to hire a 24-hour on-call mechanic, and my trunk is filled with a completely stocked toolbox, 14 quarts of oil, 8 quarts of power steering fluid, 6 gallons of coolant, 800ft of spare 12volt wire, 11 boxes of assorted fuses, and enough provisions to survive for a week on the side of the interstate, but at least I'm on a first-name basis with every tow-truck driver in 6 counties. On the upside, I've accrued enough frequent user miles on my AAA card that they've started giving me rewards every time I use it, just like my 12 maxed out credit cards!
"But it's all worth it, because when it snows, I can press that little 'lock rear differential button' and wave at all the stranded BMW drivers while doing this."
8.) Saab Slaabs
Saab people, God bless them. What GM did to your beloved was unforgivable. I hear you. But buying a Swedish car won't make you an architect. Nibbles™, Wack with Poo-brain:
Nobody gets 'em. Nobody understands the appeal, until they drive one. Then they are immediately part of the fold and talk about their 9-5 and compare it to the 850 Monte Carlo because they're distant cousins. They also only take their car to [insert the only Saab shop in the region, with a couple acres worth of shells from 1966 through 2010] because it's the only shop that truly understands what it takes to work on it.
Every Saab owner is friends with every other Saab owner. Every Saab owner loves to hear stories about how the battery tray is the only place that is rusted out or how you had to spend six days routing vacuum lines. Mention a two-hour clutch job and watch their faces light right up! Complain about how the iPod jack never works and they nod in agreement.
7.) Prius People
They usually don't understand how a hybrid system works, so like it or not, they will get into politics instead.
6.) Alfa Romeo, and Other Hopeless Classic Drivers
Classic car ownership can be a beautiful experience, but when people buy the wrong car, they will start lying. And it never stops.
5.) Jeep People
My Jeep will tear apart a mountain. What about yours? Here's Ultrakill with the shocking reality:
I never hear the end of it from Tacoma or Jeep owners. In the the off-roading community, anyone who doesn't have a Jeep or Tacoma "should immediately sell your ride and buy a Tacoma or Jeep".
The worst part of it is, the guys with built jeeps or tacos park their ride and talk about it for hours instead of just wheeling. Last weekend this group of tacos drove 2+ hours to a meetup parked their trucks on some dirt, talked for 3-4 hours then drove home. They did a total of like 10 minutes of actual wheeling.
4.) S-Chassis Nissan Twin Turbo Drift Powerslide Boost
Nissan's 1990s sports coupes remain some of the best buys on the market and owners are going to tell you about it. Here's the full story from Scaggnetti:
It pushes all the right buttons for me every time I drive it. I live in KC so there is JACK SHIT for tracks or really anything that is not the street which sucks. I have never got the chance to track it or slide it around anything. No Silvia front clip swap, that is the factory Kouki front end. No motor swap, I just turboed the KA24DE that belongs in it. Makes all the SR20 guys cringe, but whatever. I daily it at 12lbs and less than 300 hp and its great. 26mpg which isnt bad either. See, here we go I already can't shut up.
3.) Subaru Bros
Some people will never understand that boxer sound or not, the Mitsubishi Evo is the better car of the pair. Stef Schrader knows them:
Subaru bros. Seriously. Subaru bros. No, I shouldn't have bought a car that'll done blow'd up the second I forget the check the oil at a trackday. Nope nope nope nope go away nope. "Subaru" is not always the answer for many, many fantastic reasons, and the royal pain of getting to simple parts around the engine is just one of 'em. At least they know to stockpile extra parts, and there is the upside that a bunch of things from different cars sorta/kinda fit together. s/old man in VW story/kid in flat-brimmed hat: "Oh, I've got twelve of those parts off various cars, maybe one'll fit."
Honorable mention: old British car guys. Wanna know all about the year-to-year differences in obscure internal parts made by drunk Brits sometime between long bouts of standing around a flaming trash can outside British Leyland? Here you go. These are your PEOPLE.
2.) I Got A Ferrari And You Don't
Ferrari owners will tell you that Ferrari is a special brand and therefor all its products are special too, including the overpriced baseball caps made in China.
You don't need to smoke them, because fiery death will take care of it.
Suggested By: Diesel
1.) BMW Asshats
If they got an M car, they will tell you how it's faster than anything on the track and how it revs to 15,000 when nobody is looking. And that's the better case.
If they don't have an M car, they will make it look like one, and brag about all the upgrades that make it faster than an M car. The biggest bullshit on the planet.
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Top Photo Credit: Grant.C