Oh, Dartz. Sweet, crazy, Dartz. You do not disappoint. You may remember Dartz as the company that broke new lack-of-taste ground on 6-wheeled G-Wagens or the company that introduced whale penis leather into our collective nightmares. Now they just want some time with your kids.

Dartz is making baby seats. And, as you can imagine, I'm all for baby seats being crammed into the least-appropriate, most exotic cars possible. I'm just not absolutely certain I need baby seats made out of crocodile palate leather or marketed by what appears to be a syringeful of Ketamine that learned English by reading the back of a Dr.Bronner's soap bottle. Don't believe me? Here's the press release we got from Dartz, with all of their spelling and spacing intact:

So dear parents You got an uber car and You are happy. Also for sure You added to Your uber car some uber s...tuff and Your car is spoil(er)ed, boosed and of course carbonized!Ooooo, Yeeeeeeeee, carbon spoiler - thats dream of any car geek, and as more expensive as possible.OK. Let's forget about "extenders" competition as< yep, BABY ON BOARD!Your l'enfant who also share space in Your car.And can you answer Yourself - what I did for my "baby on board"? Yep, You spend kilo-thousands to buy car, you add tens of thousands to spoil(er) and carbonize this car, but....But, how do You think will drive your baby?You think You bought him two hundred Euro seat and Your "parents debt" is fully paid?you, who invested 1000 times more for useless additional two exchaust pipes in your car's ass?You who fully changed car interior, but Your own child still piss in standart fabric seat?Hope You are already shamed and ready to call DARTZ for "excuses" to Your baby!New line of DARTZ Grupa product united under label l'Enfante Terrible is dedicated to Golden Boys and Girls. To those who born with golden spoon in their mouths, to those who "drive" Rolls-Royces, Ferrari's or just Mercedes's from first minutes of their birth.Yes, DARTZ starts skyrocketing baby seats!As this is place where Young generation of zillionaires move their asses from zero till twelve ages, and DARTZ don't see any reason why in €100k+ car have to be less then €0,5k seat.isn't it nonsense? Yes, it is!Do we have to change situation?yes, we have to!And DARTZ uber tailors, who made uber interiors for MEGA cars using world BEST automotive Leather from Luxpel DID it!First Golden boy seat is on The Roads! Using Luxpel Tailmade Ferrari Red leather which is originally used for Ferrari we did our First l'Enfant terrible seat! Here You are.What's next? All You want, dream, choose or ask us.Using Kolonial Touch line from Luxpel - bizzare automotive leather You can make Your baby seat covered with shark, crocodile

Yes, yes, drink it in. Really feel that wealth-crazy wash over you, and saturate down deep into your pores. It really does end in the middle of a sentence like that, and it really is berating you for letting your kid "piss in a standart fabric seat."

I love picturing the scene where I believe this press release was written. The writer, Dartz's head PR person and also their Lead Shark Murder Specialist, has just finished stabbing to death a large shark with particularly supple, beautiful skin. The act is performed naked, of course, and as the shark's blood saturates the PR person, he drinks heavily, languidly, from the aquatic killer's slit throat.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Another handful of pills, and Dartz's PR guy's eyes are now Dartz-approved whirling spirals of crazy. He heaves the shark carcass up to his face, delivers one last, lingering kiss, and flings it onto the pile earmarked for Dartz' new enterprise of "skyrocketing" baby seats. Covered in blood and visibly erect, he grabs his gold-plated Nokia N-Gage from a wicker bin of rubles, pills, vodka, and raw steaks and begins to type, his fingers a blood-spattering frenzy of activity.

This is where these baby seats are born.

Advertisement

So, if you're so rich that your very sanity is being affected by the sheer amount of wealth and power you possess, and you want to be sure — really fucking sure — that your kids are surrounded by so much wealth and excess that no trace of those cruel viruses of human empathy or rationality can ever take seed in their precious, golden brains, then these are absolutely the baby seats for you.

That, or if your child is allergic to every fabric other than King Cobra skin.