And lo, there was much rejoicing in the land, for The Doug had found himself a new #DougCar.

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Our man DeMuro upgraded to a 2007 Aston Martin with—get this—a full unlimited mileage warranty for a full year. Doug is now invincible. He cannot die or feel pain. He has transcended humanity and become a godlike car person.

Meanwhile, at the company reported record losses over that Range Rover of his, Lucasg reports:

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Johnny Carmax: yo, what’s up?

Assistant: Boss, there’s something we want to tell you. It’s about Doug DeMuro.

JC (scratching his head): Uh, that name sounds familiar. Who is it?

Ass: Remember that dude who bought a Range Rover with our warranty? The one with the website?

JC (slowly enraging): That fucker! He cost us millions! What’s up now? Didn’t you shoot him?

Ass: Well, I couldn’t. I was following him last week, aiming my bazooka at his head, and he suddenly entered a car shop.

JC: Goddamit, Ass! You were supposed to shoot the heck out of him!

Ass: Yeah, but he moved so quickly. He entered the shop and gave me no time to pull the trigger. But listen, this is what I found out. We went and bought an Aston Martin. A used one. Like, 2007.

JC: A used Aston fucking Martin? If the shows up willing to purchase a warranty from us, by God I’m shooting him. Not again! Not again!

Ass (brings a tranquilizer, a glass of water and an athsma inhaler): No, no, no worries! He didn’t do it. He got a warranty but from Aston Martin.

JC: He did what? How do you know?

Ass: I know people who knows things... Dude got a bumper to bumper warranty. Unlimited milleage...

JC: My Goodness.

Ass: ...and he plans to daily drive it. I mean, the car, not the warranty. But it’s a 2007 Aston, so yeah, he´ll daily drive the warranty too, I guess.

JC: Do they know? The guys at Aston Martin. Should we warn them?

Ass: Well, they never cared when our plights and financial sorrow with the Range began, did they?

JC: You’re right. Goddamit, let’s take a sit and watch this... Mmwahahahahahaha!

Get the popcorn ready.


Contact the author at patrick@jalopnik.com.