Jalopnik: Weird News

400 Chickens Killed in Road Accident

Wes Siler — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 15:15:00 EDT

1,400 hundred chickens escaped captivity and 400 were killed in a tragic road accident in Scotland early this morning. The tractor-trailer carrying them jack-knifed on the A40 near Haggs, releasing the birds and causing chaos on area roads. It took Specialist Chicken Handlers 9-hours to clear the road of the fowl, which had been destined for an area abattoir. [Via BBC News]
Photo credit: E. E. Piphanie

British Tycoon Abandons $150K Maserati In London Car Pound After Racking Up Almost $10K In Fines

Ray Wert — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 08:30:00 EDT

Bertrand Des Pallieres, millionaire UK businessman and manager of the SPQR hedge fund, racked up 65 congestion charge penalties and dozens of parking fines on his limited edition £80,000 ($158,600) Maserati GranSport without tax. His car was towed away from a square in Knightsbridge, West London, in late May and taken to a pound by a London towing company in a bid to get him pay up. But the 39-year-old chap failed for three months to get down to the tow lot to claim it - increasing the money he owed by £25 a day - until he found out the car was about to be auctioned due to an estimated £5,000 ($9,900) bill. So, what did Mr. Des Pallieres have to say about the incident? Well, he blames it on being "too busy." No, seriously — he really does:

"The truth is I was so busy I did not have time to deal with sorting the congestion charges, paying my road tax and getting my car out of the pound.

"I have been setting up a new business and, as you can imagine, it requires all my focus. I have been running around the world raising money for my fund and setting it up.
"When I left my previous job at Deutsche Bank, I lost my PA. She had always organised all of these domestic things for me. For a while I did not have a PA but now I have one, so this will get sorted out."

Hmm, sure, blame it on your assistant — or lack thereof. [via Telegraph.co.uk]

Don't go anywhere near the old Packard plant...

Ray Wert — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 13:15:00 EDT

Don't go anywhere near the old Packard plant unless you're looking to be a gay pr 0n extra. [xceedspeed]

Only in Michigan do we worry about Zamboni...

Ray Wert — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 10:15:00 EDT

Only in Michigan do we worry about Zamboni fires. Well, maybe in Canada and up-state New York too. [Detroit News]

Phallic Traffic Posts Under Scrutiny

Wes Siler — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 17:13:23 EDT

An Oregon town is considering fitting its bollards with chains, piercings and prophylactics after residents complained of their phallic nature. The plan was cooked up by Keizer officials in an attempt to save money, replacing the controversial cement posts would cost an additional $20,000. No word yet on whether Tobias "Leather Daddy" Fünke is the town's Traffic Consultant.

Residents of Town Say Shape of Traffic Posts is Offensive [KomoTV]

Related:
British Mechanic Shags Cars [internal]

Driving A Submarine Through The British Empire

Ray Wert — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 13:15:00 EDT

Well, now we know what that looks like. – Ray Wert

Driving a Nuclear Submarine Through Britain's Roads [Gizmodo]

Related:
Kaiten, A Kamikaze Submarine [internal]

Be Careful Of Wheelchair-Bound Hitchhikers When Driving Your Semi In Paw Paw

Ray Wert — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 10:45:00 EDT

I'll be traveling through the lovely little southwestern Michigan town of Paw Paw on Saturday, and you can bet I'll be happy I won't be driving a semi-truck. We've heard the town's home to a roving gang of wheelchair-rolling hitchhikers employing a unique brand of thumbing it. They'll just roll right out in front of semi trucks and hitch themselves a ~~push-start~~ ride strapped onto the grille. That's what a 21-year-old wheelchair-bound resident of the double baby bear hand-named town did yesterday afternoon. The man became lodged in a semi truck grille after rolling in front of a truck leaving a gas station. The truck driver, not noticing the man lodged in front of his cab, proceeded to hit the highway for about five miles before police, alerted to the scofflaw, pointed it out to the truck driver. The unharmed man was taken to the hospital for a check-up, and then we're assuming right to jail. Didn't he know hitchhiking is illegal in Michigan? Wait, what's that you say — he didn't mean to be taken for a semi-ride?!? Oh man, then that's just terrible. – Ray Wert

Local man goes for the ride of his life [Wood TV]

Related:
Best. Wheelchair. Ever. [internal]

This Is Why You Always Finish Your Meals

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 16:30:00 EDT

In our quest for hilarious car news we often come across stories of people getting popped for stealing cars because of GPS devices. This is the first time we can remember someone getting busted because of breakfast. Norman O. Wheeler of Detroit decided to boost a car way back in 2004 and probably thought he'd gotten away with it. Unfortunately for him, he left a partially eaten cinnamon bun in the car and the Michigan State Police crime lab apparently has nothing better to do than analyze the DNA of pastries. Since he was already in jail for another auto theft, they had is data in the computer and matched him up. If he'd only watched Double Indemnity, maybe he'd know there's no such thing as a perfect crime. – Matt Hardigree

DNA Left on Cinnamon Bun Nabs Car Thief [AP via Forbes]

Happy Boss's Day, Walt: The Post-It Note Jaguar

Ray Wert — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 09:20:29 EDT

We know from tipster Sean's e-mail that this was the boss's car, and other sources tell us it was a car parked at the wireless company InPhonic. Other than that we've no idea what "Walt" did to deserve the post-it treatment, but he's probably glad the office got an extra box from 3M rather than a few more shipments of white-out. Just sayin'... – Ray Wert

Related:
More Weird News [internal]

Woman Run Over Saving Duck In Poorly Planned Escape

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 14:00:00 EDT

A Seattle man is in jail, a Petco employee is in a cast but Mr. Peepers the duck is going to be okay. The man, Kenneth Quinlan, dropped his girlfriend off at Petco and decided to kill time by lifting an iPod speaker system from an adjacent store. A guard intervened and Quinlan, who apparently needed the speakers badly, beat him up and ran out of the store to his car. Just then, his girlfriend, Mr. Peepers in hand, approached the car. The car hit the girlfriend and Mr. Peepers went flying. Seeing the endangered duck, an exceptionally committed Petco employee rescued Mr. Peepers from the path of the car but was run over. The employee is going to be fine, but Quinlan hit another car on the road and is now in police custody. Though, in his defense, he'd apparently just gotten a methadone dose at the clinic. So, no harm no fowl.– Matt Hardigree

Assault Charges Filed, Duck Unharmed [UPI]

Related:
Jalopnik Interview: Road Rage [Internal]

Some People Just Hate Taking The Bus...

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 16:00:00 EDT

You know what sucks? Not being able to ride your bike. You know what's awesome? When an idiot leaves his Monte Carlo idling while he runs into Subway to grab a meatball sub. Because that way you've got yourself a free car. That's at least what we think must have been the thought process of Kathleen Mary Pedemonti of Palm Bay, who stole a car after having difficulty riding her bike. Thanks to the the GPS locator in the man's car, Ms. Pedemonti got a free ride in the back of Brevard County Sheriff's cruiser. We're sure this will soon be an OnStar commercial with some guy ecstatic that he won't have to go through the effort of festooning another Monte Carlo with "#3" tribute stickers and Playboy bunny decals.– Matt Hardigree

Poor bike riding let to car theft, suspect says [Florida Today]

Related:
Manhattan Murder Mystery: Stripped SRT-8 [Internal]

Macedonian Politician Driving Beckham's Stolen Bimmer?

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:40:00 EDT

Remember that time a bumbling parking attendant let soccer superstar David Beckham's $200K armored BMW X5 get stolen? As you might have expected if you're on mushrooms and kind of psychic, it has turned up in the driveway of Gordana Jankulovska, Macedonia's interior minister.

How is this possible? The car was seized in the country and deemed stolen (I guess not a lot of Macedonians are driving around in $200K bimmers). When no one claimed it, the ute was turned over to the government who then turned it over to the country's interior minister, who promptly asked no questions. The interior minister is a fan and hopes to turn the car over personally in order to meet the Beckster, after which she's probably going to club him over the head and seize him for the Macedonian national soccer team.– Matt Hardigree

Beck's Stolen Car [Sky News]

Woman Uses Floor Jack to Free Drunk Kid From Car

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 18:00:00 EDT

In yet another example of a car pinning someone ejected from their own car (and not wearing a seatbelt again), a drunk Wisconsin teenager was freed from underneath his girlfriend's Mercury Cougar by a local woman and her brother-in-law with a floor jack. The best part of this story, other than the kid surviving, is the quote from the nice woman who saved the kid: "We just kind of eased him out of there. He was really alert. He was determined... he wanted that car off his legs." Now that's what we call an understatement. Let this be a wake-up call for some of you, if you're going to drive without a seatbelt make sure you get launched at least 100 yards from the car for your own safety. – Matt Hardigree

Witness uses floor jack to free man trapped by car [Fond du Lac Reporter]

Related:
Don't Be A Dummy: Woman Run Over By Own Car [Internal]

Surprisingly Sober Dad Locks Kids In Car Trunk For Vacation

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 17:00:00 EDT

Not content to let the Australians beat us in the category of "worst parents," an Oregon man was arrested yesterday for locking two of his kids in his car's trunk for the family vacation. The small car he was driving didn't have room for himself, his fiancee and his four kids so he did the reasonable thing and stowed two away in the back. We say reasonable because taking two cars would be horrible for the environment and letting them ride in their siblings' laps would be uncomfortable. Of course, if dad had just rented a Family Truckster he could have avoided being charged with two counts of reckless endangerment. "Spring Break 2007, WHOOO!" – Matt Hardigree

Frankie Muniz Graduates to Champ Car Atlantic, Will Never Graduate From College

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 15:08:00 EDT

Honestly, if you were 21 and had millions of dollars and nothing better to do you'd propose to your 27 year-old hairdresser girlfriend and start racing cars, too. Frankie Muniz, star of Malcolm in the Middle, has graduated from the Formula BMW USA series to the Champ Car Atlantic Series and will be racing for Jensen MotorSport at the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Apparently, he's sporting a mohawk in order to "be taken seriously as a member of the Jensen MotorSport team." Which is completely logical... as everyone knows, Fangio, Moss and Gurney all wore mohawks as young drivers. – Matt Hardigree

Muniz to Compete As a Professional Driver [WEN via Hollywood.com]

Related:
Frankie Muniz Goes Racing [Internal]

Don't Be A Dummy: Woman Run Over By Own Car

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 14:30:00 EDT

Safety belts might make your woman seem so far away from you, but they may also save your woman's life. According to reports, a woman driving in Anaheim late Wednesday was hit by a truck and ejected from her car (we assume she wasn't wearing a safety belt). That's not exactly news since it happens something like ten times a day. What makes this accident worse was that she was then apparently flattened by the car as it spun out of control. As you might imagine, said woman isn't in great shape. Take a lesson from the dummies in the picture, buckle up! – Matt Hardigree

Women ejected from car may have been run over by it [OC Register]

No Men Allowed! Swiss Create Pink Parking Spaces

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:45:00 EDT

Some European countries, including Switzerland, have reserved parking spaces for women that are near the exists and under video surveillance. This is done to protect women from assault when getting into and out of their cars. Unfortunately, the unchivalrous men of Bern have been parking in these reserved spots. Since they can't legally stop men from using these spots, local garages are going to paint the spots in a way that discourages men from parking there. Above is our expert artist rendering of what these spots might look like. – Matt Hardigree

Pink Parking Spaces [WEN via WMAR-TV]

Related:
Classic Ad Watch: Farrah Fawcett's 75' Couger [Internal]

Who Is Driving Car? OMG, No One Driving Car? How Can That Be?

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 15:30:00 EDT

Everyone loves a good April Fools Joke (remember the ESPN aluminum bat hoax?), especially the guys and gals over at SEAT Sport UK. The racing team that operates the SEAT Leon in the BTCC has a story on their website that is "strictly embargoed until April 1" about a remote controlled SEAT possibly competing in the series as early as next week.

Unfortunately, some on the internet have already posted the story (including CarKeys.co.uk). We hate to ruin people's fun, but we imagine more poorly run websites will keep running the story since the jokesters put up the story three days early. Photo of the car and press release after the jump...

(Press Release)

Strictly embargoed until 1st April 2007
SEAT Sport UK is pioneering breathtaking new technology that could soon deliver the ultimate in 21st Century motor racing - the driverless touring car. Cutting-edge developments in electronics, virtual reality and on-board computers have enabled the SEAT team to create probably the most advanced remote control car in the world.

The unique Leon Touring Car could potentially join the two other SEAT Sport track cars - operated in more traditional fashion by humans Jason Plato and Darren Turner - in the 2007 Dunlop MSA British Touring Car Championship. Using a system developed in the UK by SEAT, called Telematics Remote-Information Control Kit, this car opens up all sorts of possibilities on the race circuit.

Controlled with the help of numerous on-board cameras, microphones and a plethora of computer data, the 'Virtual Leon' could give real drivers a stiff challenge. Indeed, at its first outing in a recent test at Rockingham, the sophisticated Leon put in a lap time marginally quicker than both Plato's and Turner's.

Of course, no piece of advanced technology can exist without the considerable skills and dedication of a top development team. And key to the whole project is SEAT UK Motorsport Manager Scott Dennis, who controls the car from the comfort of the pit-garage.

This amazing car's development has been a huge learning curve,' said Scott. 'But we are now at the stage where it could soon be used in a touring car race - maybe even as soon as Sunday 1st April, which is the very first race of the season at Brands Hatch. This Leon is so rapid I'm beginning to question if I'll need drivers at all next year.'

Jason Plato, a BTCC driver with considerable experience of racing while actually sat behind the wheel, was surprised to be outpaced by a car with no one in it. 'Obviously it's a bit disconcerting being passed by an empty car when you're giving it your all, though I have to say it does have a fair old weight advantage over every other touring car.'

Plato's observation has already been noted by SEAT's competitors, who are demanding a significant weight penalty should the special Leon be permitted to race this weekend. Said Plato: 'Normally this would be around 75 kg to simulate a driver's weight, but in the case of Scott, a special 'Pub Ballast' of 160 kg has been suggested.'

– Matt Hardigree

SEAT UK Trial's The World's First RC Touring Car [Seat Sport UK]

Drunk Dad Passes Out While Pumping Gas

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 16:45:00 EDT

I can only guess what issues Wes Anderson has with his father, but I'm fairly sure the senior Anderson has nothing on this delinquent dad from Auckland, New Zealand. With his two year-old girl in the car, he drove into a local gas station and attempted to pump gas. Nothing strange there. But, allegedly, he was so drunk (four times the legal limit) that he fell asleep midstream next to the car. When he woke up 40 minutes later, the bad dad was in police custody and his car was being hooked up to a tow truck. Let's all just be thankful that this story ended with incarceration and not immolation. – Matt Hardigree

Tot Saved As Dad Flakes [Daily Post]

Beware The Long Arm Of The Fake, Molesting Law

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 16:30:00 EDT

Adding more evidence to our ongoing belief that only criminals, miscreants or Jalopnik writers drive decommissioned police cruisers, a priest and alleged child molester in Bloomfield, Connecticut has been cruising around town in one (not pictured). According to reports, this is similar to other vehicles that the priest used (going back to the 1970s) to pick up young boys, feed them liquor and then... you know. Because he was a chaplain for several local police/fire agencies, he's been able to acquire cars equipped with full police packages. Some are calling for an investigation into how he got the cars, which seems like the least they can do. – Matt Hardigree

News Times Live Report: Priest Sued For Molestation Still Drives Police Style Car [AP via News Times]

Related:
Cop Impersonator Has Own Police Station [Internal]

Note To Californians: Don't Try To Save People

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 12:00:00 EDT

A ruling by the 2nd District Court of Appeal in Los Angeles indicated that the state's Good Samaritan law only protects people from liability if they are giving emergency medical care. But according to the court, removing someone from a wrecked car is not considered to be emergency medical care... This all stems from a lawsuit filed by a woman who is suing the person that pulled her out of her wrecked car "like a rag doll," which may have led to her becoming a paraplegic (though the crash couldn't have helped). There are two lessons here: Don't move someone unless you're trained or the person is imminent danger. Have someone sign a release form before you help them. – Matt Hardigree

Good Samaritan Law May Not Apply [AP via USA TODAY]

Vivica Fox Popped for DUI: "I Got Drunk And Drove, I Wish To God That I Hadn't, But I Did."

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 15:30:05 EDT

Obviously distraught after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars, Vivica A. Fox (known to many as Vernita Green) apparently got liquored up and decided to go for a drive. She was pulled over late Tuesday in LA after passing a patrol car at 80 mph and then failed a field sobriety test. A breathalyzer test revealed a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit and she was hauled off to the pokey. No word on if she screamed "You can't do this to me, i was in Soul Food" at any time during the arrest. – Matt Hardigree

Vivica A. Fox Arrested in LA [AP via Forbes]

Supporting The Troops, One Collision At A Time

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:20:06 EDT

Getting treatment you'd only expect in Sadr City or Walter Reed, Marine Sergeant Michael Hutchinson ran into a fast food restaurant to grab some forgotten fries and returned to find an angry man, Mr. Glenn Merrill of Bedford, trying to move the Marine's Explorer (oh yeah, and the Marine's daughter was in the car). Merrill then followed Sergeant Hutchinson out of the parking lot and crashed his van into the side of his Explorer. We're guessing he didn't order a Happy Meal... – Matt Hardigree

Man drives his car into another vehicle after being forced to wait at drive-thru [WHDH-TV]

Unhappy With Deal, Customer Whips Out Samurai Sword

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 18:10:35 EDT

Have you ever wondered what happened to the kid from your high school Japanese Club? Remember, the one that dressed all in black, wore wooden shoes and claimed he was the reincarnation of a famous samurai? Apparently, that kid tried to buy a $20,000 Chrysler in Prospect with a $13,000 IOU and a beat up old Honda. When the dealer refused, the guy went to his car and pulled out some weapons, smashed the windows of the car he wanted and jumped on the top of it wielding his sword. The man has been charged with attempted theft, vandalism and wing-nuttery. If only he'd have tried to buy a car from this guy in Texas. – Matt Hardigree

Prospect car buyer turns violent, wields Samurai sword [Consumer Reports]

Related:
Texas Car Dealer Slashes Prices, Customers [Internal]

Valet Crashes Amputee's Car Into Amputee

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 13:38:34 EDT

A valet at Pensacola's Baptist Hospital probably didn't get a tip when he brought amputee Harold Towne's car through the emergency room's plate glass windows and on top of Mr. Towne's wheelchair. He was, however, given a citation for careless driving. In defense of the valet, he apparently was confused by the car's special gas pedal (which he mistook for the brake). Though, one would think that a hospital valet would be used to the special retrofitting that companies offer for special needs drivers. To add insult to injury, he totally left the car full of B.O. – Matt Hardigree

Valet Crashes Amputee's Car, Hits Owner [WKMG-TV]

Related:
Old Woman Drives Car Into DMV, No One Cares [Internal]

British Workmen Push Woman's Car, Woman Pushes Back

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Have you ever found a parking ticket on your car and suspected that it was actually moved by a mysterious force? That's apparently what happened when Lisa Williams, of Wolverhampton, found her little blue Opel parked across the double yellow lines. It turns out, road workers not only picked up her car and set it down illegally (not in a good way, like the lovable Foo Fighters above), they also dented it in the process. The workers have been forced to compensate the woman and apologize for their mistake. Proof once again that you should never mess with a Wolverhamptonian. – Matt Hardigree

Lis Wins Car Blunder Apology [Express & Star]

Related:
Self-Parking Prius Coming to US [internal]

A New Low For Car Salesmen: Taking Advantage Of Bipolar Customers?

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 11:40:00 EDT

A woman in Michigan is suing a car dealership for taking advantage of her bipolar disorder by leasing her a $32,000 Mazda CX-9 when she went in for an oil change(confirming that old adage that only the clinically depressed lease cars). According to the woman, a side effect of her disorder is "impulsivity and difficulty in decision-making," which makes us feel better about her driving the biggest Mazda you can buy. It almost seemed like things were going to work out as the dealership said they'd take the car back if they got a doctor's letter detailing the woman's condition... but then the dealership delivered the car anyway and left the keys in the mailbox. If the suit is successful look to see this excuse used frequently, especially by anyone who purchased a Pontiac Torrent – Matt Hardigree

Bipolar Michigan Woman Sues Dealer for taking Advantage of Mental Illness To Sell Her Car [FOX NEWS]

Seattle Supra Owner Gets "GOT MILF" License Plate Ganked By State

Ray Wert — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 13:49:49 EDT

Why would someone ever want to take away the Stiffler-esque vanity plate of this young lad from the Seattle area? And seriously, who would ever marry a guy who had this license plate? – Ray Wert

Sex With Wheels: British Mechanic Shags Cars

Davey G. Johnson — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 15:15:00 EST

Our tagline, "Jalopnik loves cars. Secret cars, concept cars, flying cars, vintage cars, tricked-out cars, red cars, black cars, blonde cars — sometimes, cars just because of the curve of a hood," obviously has some measure of sexual connotation to it. In fact, we once attempted to get a photo of one of Los Jalops simulating an auto union of flesh, aluminum und shteel with the car for our wives at the Audi R8 press intro. Sadly, too much pink sparkling wine was involved and the image was unusable. But UK mechanic Chris Donald loves him some man-on-car action.

Literally. And in classic UK tabloid-press style, The Sun has the story; frankly, having lived in the SF Bay Area, Los Angeles and Austin, TX, this just doesn't seem that odd to us. Nor does it seem particularly hot. But dude has boffed a Bentley Arnage, which is something that we'd drop a couple bucks to see, just for curiosity's sake. You know, sorta like a donkey show. Except with a dude. And a Bentley. – Davey G. Johnson

Mechanic: I have sex with cars [The Sun, UK]

Manhattan Mopar Mishegas! Tudor City Jews For Jesus And Diplomats Heart The Minivans

Ray Wert — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 12:57:38 EST

While walking in Tudor City this weekend, that higher than First Avenue midtown east enclave of diplomatic immunity from parking tickets, I found two examples of people rolling in vehicles which one would not expect. Top among them is the Jews for Jesus "Manhattan Division," who apparently roll in a vehicle as confusing as their name suggests, i.e. a Plymouth Voyager minivan. This is of course rivaled only by what I've now found to be the diplomat's car of choice in these UN-is-irrelevant times. And no, it's not a Lincoln town car, or even a Cadillac sedan of some sort. Actually, it's another piece of Mopar not-so-much muscle...

...the Dodge Caravan. Apparently — as you can see below — even a soccer mom can be a diplomat. – Ray Wert

Related:
Detroit Vs. New York: Who's The Man? [internal]

Texas Car Dealer Slashes Prices, Customers

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:00:00 EST

We love Texas. It's a state where the women are smart and beautiful, the license plate frames are illegal and everyone is armed. Robert "Jack" Parker was found guilty today of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after attacking one of his customers with a machete. According to the guy's defense attorney, he made a "Bold Move" with his machete because he feared his customer (who was just trying to pick up his plates) was making his "Way Forward" to get a gun. Having lived in Texas most of our lives, and having worked for a congressman in the area, we can assure you that the chances were more than even that the guy actually had a gun. Let this be a lesson: when buying a car in Texas keep your hands in plain sight at all times and for god's sake, get the rustproofing. – Matt Hardigree

Tyler Car Dealership Owner Convicted of Machete Attack [Houston Chronicle]

Related:
Use A License Plate Frame, Go To Texas Jail [Internal]

Old Woman Drives Car Into DMV, No One Cares

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 16:30:00 EST

As much as we hate waiting in line at the DMV, we usually just bring along a book and an iPod to pass the time. We're guessing 80-year-old Therese M. Smith didn't have an iPod, which is why she drove her 1990 Mercury Grand Marquis (the official car of old people) into the windows of the office. Seven people were sent to the hospital with minor injuries after the incident, which is being classified as an accident. Ms. Smith was cited for careless driving and doing something we'd always considered doing ourselves. – Matt Hardigree

Woman Crashes Car Into DMV Office, Injures 11 [WPLG-TV]

Related:
Molesting DMV Instructor Heads To Hoosegow [Internal]

Why Sub-Zero Weather, Water Main Breaks And Street Parking Don't Mix

Ray Wert — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 15:01:00 EST

We're gearing up here in Detroit for a pretty big winter storm. According to our boy in second city, Matt Hardigree (more on him later), they've already gotten "a lot [of snow], and it's blowing around." The Matt-man and I are both counting our blessings that it's only snow and not record-breaking cold. If it had been, at least one of us could have ended up like this poor sap in Columbus, Ohio who saw his purple Honda frozen to the street due to a double-tap of trouble — a parking next to a water main break and sub-zero temperatures. Although really, he's getting it lucky — 'round these parts if a man's parking a purple Honda in the wrong place, it won't get covered — it'll get filled — with water. Nothing like water, ice and pressure damage all at once. Check out the gallery below — we're going to go batten down the hatches or something. – Ray Wert

Water Main Breaking + Overnight Street Parking = Funny Pics [TribalWar.com via Digg]
Get ready for a snowy, windy afternoon commute [Freep]

Penis Pump Buyer Dumps Ego Pump On EBay

Ray Wert — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 09:01:00 EST

You can file this story under things you've always suspected but could never confirm. One eBay patron (and no his name isn't ItalianStallion69, we're not that lucky) put his cherry 1986 Ferrari Testarossa on the electronic auction block. What could motivate someone to part with a such a pristine classic? Perhaps it was the Titan Enlarger Penis Pump he just purchased on eBay (which was new, thankfully). At $89.99 plus shipping & handling, the penis pump is not only economical but, unlike the Ferrari, apparently comes with its own lube. This would be embarrassing if it were possible that someone who bought a penis pump on eBay could feel shame. – Matt Hardigree

1984 Ferrari : Testarossa [eBay via Digg]

Stop Snitchin': Zipcar Taggers Rat Out Taggers

Ray Wert — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 13:01:00 EST

Five graffiti artists, including three from Europe, were busted in Boston this weekend for "conspiracy to tag" subway cars and various other public items in the run up to a massive underground naked graffiti party. This wouldn't be particularly newsworthy except for the fact that this international group of taggers were running around in a Zipcar. Though covered in paint, they claimed they were just looking for a place to eat in the middle of the night. Unfortunately for them, the GPS device ~~in the Zipcar was on~~ the hapless and clueless lawbreakers brought with them and police were able to trace the group to several incidents of graffiti. Fortunately for them, the cops didn't freak out and shut down the city at the sight of unsolicited public art this time. Let this be a lesson: if you're going to rent a car for a crime spree... ~~Enterprise will pick you up and won't follow your every move.~~ Zipcar makes a great choice because of its affordability...and really...has nothing to do with this obviously gadget-heavy story. – Matt Hardigree

Artsy suspects busted on eve of graffiti confab [Boston Herald via Winding Road]

Related:
Ikea and Zipcar Get All Bostonian [internal]

Spyker C8 Spyder Gets Spiked In Belgium!

Ray Wert — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:06:51 EST

After yesterday's bird-on-Porsche incident and the falling ice ball we thought we were done with our weekly fill of hoontastic epic car smashes. Then Jalopnik reader Sacha brought to our attention the demise of one of only three Spyker Spyder's in Belgium last week. Here's what happened:

"On the highway near Wilrijk (belgium), a Spyker C8 Spyder run of the highway. The driver of the car was an employee of garage Beerens in Antwerp (Belgium) that was instructed to deliver the car in Brussels for the upcoming car show. He reacted saturday in The Last New as follows: "Probably I turned too brusquely at my steering wheel."

Umm, yeah — we'd have to agree that you probably turned to "brusquely" on the steering wheel. Other "appropriate" comments to explain what happened would have been "probably I may have been drunk while driving" or "probably I'm not the smartest person on earth" or finally, "probably I can't handle 4.2 second 0-60 400 hp Audi V8 engine." Full gallery below of what may be the first reported Spyker C8 Spyder crash. [Hat tip to Sacha!] – Ray Wert

Spyker: update over crash & F1 team [Petrolhead.nl]

Verdict In Porsche Boxster Versus Bird: Nobody's A Winner At 155 MPH

Ray Wert — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 11:21:42 EST

We can't verify the speed Carscoop's claiming this Porsche Boxster was going when it hit a bird traveling the opposite direction, but considering the level of damage it caused, we'd have to say they probably aren't too far off. All we know is that's more damage than even the bird turd kit can fix, so 155 mph sounds like it could be the right velocity to do this to either a laden or unladen swallow. Gallery's below and is not for the squeamish or the weak-of-stomach. We're going to go vomit now. – Ray Wert

Porsche Boxster vs Bird at 155mph... [Carscoop]

Knievel sues Kanye: Does He Know He Ain't Messin' With No Broke Singer?

Ray Wert — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 13:56:55 EST

"Evel ain't nothin' but a gold digger, but he ain't messin' with no broke singer."

The man known mostly for jumping and twirling through the air with the greatest of ease — is now jumping through the dangers of the federal court system, filing a lawsuit in federal court claiming rapper Kanye West has infringed on his trademark name and likeness. Apparently the erstwhile college dropout takes on a persona in a new video he's called "Evel Kanyevel" — who then procedes to jump a motorcycle over a canyon. But I've got to say the claims of the man with the real name of "Robert Craig" that

"[the] video that Kanye West put out is the most worthless piece of crap I've ever seen in my life, and he uses my image to catapult himself on the public..."

may not be the most accurate claim, then again — maybe it's just that Kanye doesn't care about bike people. – Ray Wert

Evel Knievel sues Kanye West [Freep]

Related:
Am I Evel? I Am Cad: Knievel's De Camino [internal]

Weeding Out Good Used Cars: New Mexico Man Finds 22 Pounds Of Pot In Newly-Purchased Used Car

Ray Wert — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 15:51:30 EST

The town of Hobbs, NM better be getting ready for some visitors. I'm expecting stoners from across the country to converge on used car lots across the sleepy little New Mexico city with a population of just over 28,000 because of what one resident found in his most recent used car purchase — $28,000 worth of mary jane stored under the back seat. My assumption is that hash-heads looking to get their smoke on will be looking for an opportunity of their own to snag a car with 20 bricks, or 22 pounds, of pot under the back seat. – Ray Wert

Eunice resident finds marijuana inside used car [NewMexican.com]

Why Yes, That Man IS Pulling A Car With His Penis

Ray Wert — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 18:15:56 EST

As you can see, he's totally got the one-car penis-pull mastered. Of course now that we've seen this we're wondering whether it's possible for Swedish TV to get any weirder. Why yes, it can — because we hear he's now working towards attempting the two-car penis pull. Video (and yes, it's safe for work) via the link below. [Hat tip to Nick!] – Ray Wert

[AftonbladetTV]