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#newsweird
Spanish Bombs: Cops Play 'Hide the Nightstick' in Cars, Public Incensed
Residents of the Spanish burg of Santiago del Teide are in a tizzy over law-enforcement agents making with the sexual action in patrol cars while on duty. Apparently, these officers enjoy the protection of the mayor, while other cops feel left out on the cold; reprimanded and punished for arriving late for work. According to the regional independent police union, there's little chance of change, as the mayor's got plenty of family in town, which means many votes in the upcoming elections. If Tom of Finland were still alive, we're sure he'd be on a plane for Spain right now — even in the rain. More » -
#newsweird
Gatwick Valet Parking Nightmare
D'oh. This one makes our squidgy bits hurt. (Note that we have no idea what "squidgy bits" are, but it seemed an appropriately British thing to say.) Apparently, flying motorists who handed their keys over to valets at Pink Meet and Greet under the assumption that their vehicles would be kept in a secure compound are arriving home to a quagmire being handled by the British Airports Authority. After an expos aired on the BBC accusing Pink employees of dumping cars in locations like supermarket parking lots and building sites, as well as racing customers' vehicles, the company shut down and handed off a box of keys with very little information to BAA officials who are now trying to track down the machines and return them to their owners. Not exactly cricket, is it, chaps? More » -
#newsweird
What I Am, What I Want, I'm Only After Death! Psycho Babysitter
From the WTF? File comes this tale from Louisiana of a babysitter who dangled children, ages two and three, in front of oncoming traffic. Apparently, 25-year-old Michelle L. Tyler, charged with the care of the two girls, held the tykes out in front of passing cars; once she realized that no motorist wants a toddler-cake on his or her windshield, she attempted to ignite the kids' clothing with a cigarette lighter. Taken into custody, she then tried to kick the windows out of the police cruiser. She had recently gone off of some unspecified medication. Next time, Michelle, might we recommend that you dangle yourself in front of traffic instead of innocent children? Fackin' feck. We've got the jibblies big-time. More » -
#newsweird
Apparent Spike in Chrysler LH Platform Vehicle Resale Values
POW! He was decapitated. They found his head over by the snowcone concession. A few days after that, I open up the mail and there's a pamphlet in there, from Pueblo, Colorado. And it's addressed to Bill Jr.
Apparently, other things are afoot in Pueblo, as well. To wit, Nicole Uribe, Irene Lerma and her husband Jose-Juan Lerma are being held on $50,000 bail after Uribe offered the Lermas a five-month-old child in exchange for the down payment on a Dodge Intrepid. God, if that kid ever finds out his mom only thought him worth part of an obsolete '90s Dodge sedan, self-esteem issues are gonna dog him for the rest of his life. If it were us, we might feel compelled to change our name to "Cab Forward" later in life. More » -
#newsweird
Russian Gang Uses Strippers to Steal Cars
As a public service note to our readers, we offer you the following security tip. If you happen to be driving through Moscow and run across three naked, attractive gamines washing each other on a public, man-made beach, feel free to stop and watch. But make sure you lock your car first, as the scene could well be a ruse to drop your jaw while nefarious rapscallions abscond with your vehicle. Seriously. They ganked like dozens of cars like this in one fell swoop. More » -
#newsweird
A Blind Man Gets Nicked for Being 'Defective' Behind the Wheel
So we can't say that we endorse Omed Aziz' actions. The Iraqi native was busted by British coppers for driving in what the chairman of the bench at Warley Magistrates Court termed "a dangerous, defective state." Why? Well, apparently, Mr. Aziz has no eyes, having lost them in a bomb blast in his homeland. What's more, he's hard of hearing and was being guided around by an unlicensed driver. Officer Stuart Edge, who pulled Aziz over, tells a snippet of the tale, "I asked him if he could see me. He removed the dark-coloured sunglasses he was wearing and I could clearly see he was blind as he had no eyes." Man, that had to have been be a bit creepy. More » -
#newsweird
Heated Seats May Keep the Boys From Swimming
Tight pants may have come into vogue in rock 'n' roll when musicians realized that by keeping the package well-insulated, they could show off their manhood and then later insert it into groupies with less worry of large child-support bills. However, now a German doctor is saying that heated seats may actually be a more powerful anti-male-fertility agent than a pair of ball-huggers. On average, the seats raise the testicular temperature three degrees above normal, leading to more common instances of slow and misshapen sperm in men who spent much of their time in the hot seat. More » -
#newsweird
D'oh. Fake 'No Parking' Sign Punks Residents and Cops Alike
Pity the Bourgeois. No, really, pity him, for David Bourgeois' Mini Cooper was towed from his Brooklyn street after somebody put up a fake "No Parking" sign. Bourgeois got dinged $205 just to get his car back (Wow! NYC's even more of scam than San Francisco!) and then still has a $60 dollar parking ticket to deal with. Officials say they'll try to dismiss the tickets, but somehow we don't think the tow yard will be so lenient. More » -
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#newsweird
Give the Puppy Some: Canine Drives, Crashes
This dog-obsessiveness has to stop. Look, we've been a dog owner, and some dogs are really, really amazing creatures. However, that does not mean that they are mentally or physically equipped to operate a motor vehicle on public roads. This, however, did not stop a Mongolian woman known only as Ms. Li from attempting to teach her canine to drive, resulting in some measure of a fender-bender. This anthromorphization of pets has gotta stop before somebody gets killed. After all, dog is a dog. A duck is a duck. But a cat is a person. [Thanks to prplhaze for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Redneck Yellowjackets Practice Urban Renewal In '55 Chevy
Much like dogs love trucks, yellowjackets apparently love cars. We discovered this the hard way a few years back when a mean-spirited stinging insect jabbed us in the back while we were leaving a stoplight, causing us nearly to put our old Legend into a hedge. Nevertheless, we're once again quite stoked that we don't live in Alabama, as superhives have developed throughout the southern part of the state, including one that entirely consumed the interior of a 1955 Chevrolet (could this be some sort of UAW metaphor?). Scientists say it has to do with the unseasonably mild winter the state had last year, but whatever the cause, we've just totally got the jibblies right now. Eep. [Thanks to Michael for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Adventures in Dumb: Woman Tosses 69 Speeding Tickets, Faces Time in Hoosegow
You know, we've of course come out vocally against speed cameras, but Francesca Cisneros of Chandler, AZ simply does not give a fuck about them. Or at least, she didn't used to. After racking up 69 speeding tickets since March, all but five of which were camera-capture citations, Cisneros faces eleven large in fines and may be looking at jail time. Reportedly, she told investigating officers that she thought it perfectly fine to throw the tickets away. Wow. We're out of florid descriptors for that level of stupidity. Readers? [Thanks to TexansAreHot for the tip.] More » -
#news
That is all. Ted Stevens, Internet Expert, Goes National [Wonkette] Related:
More News: Weird [internal] -
#newsweird
Malicious Police Dog Runs Down Woman
Mary Stone of Ogden, UT, was the victim of a vehicular assault perpetrated by a canine officer of the law. The dog, Ranger, was left in an idling pickup truck while his handler responded to a domestic disturbance call. Ranger then knocked the vehicle into gear, which ran down Stone as she checked her mail. She remains hospitalized with a cracked pelvis and coccyx. No word on whether Ranger faces disciplinary action at this time. [Thanks to Scott for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Naked Oklahoman Mechanic Busted
We will never write a headline this good as long as we live: "BA man arrested for working on cars naked." "BA" of course stands for Broken Arrow, the locale in which James Barnett was practicing his nude wrenching. According to the bit on KTEN's website, "Police say Barnett's only explanation is that he was very hot so he took his clothes off to cool down." We suppose he couldn't wait any longer for the wind to come sweeping down the plain. More » -
#newsweird
Romulus Went All Feral And Stuff: No Sign Of Arm
This story is getting more weird, more gruesome and providing more fits of the jibblies the more we hear about it. The story of the Romulus, MI couple involved in the strange arm-snatching we reported on yesterday has a new update. The husband, Stephen Humphrey, who claims he dropped off his wife at the side of the road to take a leak only to return to find her sans arm, has now been arrested and will be arraigned later today on several charges including drunken driving causing serious injury. Humphrey and his wife, Brenda — now with only one arm — both initially told the same story to police. According to the couple... More » -
#newsweird
Romulan Woman Out a Limb, Husband In Custody
This isn't quite as creepy as the severed-head story from a few weeks back but our jibblies are in full effect, y'all. After leaving a bar in Milan, MI, Romulus woman Brenda Humphrey allegedlly needed to relieve herself, so husband Stephen supposedly dropped her at the side of the road and continued driving, only to return to find her lying in a ditch, missing an arm. Authorities say that they haven't recovered said limb, and that when interviewed seperately, the couple's stories don't match up. He could be facing domestic violence charges. We just involuntarily shivered. More » -
#news
Boob It Now! UK Woman Selling Honda To Buy Breast Implants
Now here's a woman who truly knows what she wants — and it ain't her Honda Civic 1.6 VTEC. What this woman wants...nay — what this woman, according to her, needs — is a bigger set of breasts. And she's determined to get them — even if it means selling her beloved Honda on eBay. The winner receives not only the Honda, but the comfort in knowing that they've helped a woman live her dream. Plus, they get pictures of her headlights before — and after — the surgery, so you know...bonus. [hat tip to Vincent and Haje!]
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#news
Colbert's Worst Nightmare: Bear Cub Eats Dinner In Back Seat Of Vintage Red Buick; Washes It Down With Jack Daniel's And Absolut
We, like Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert, have a fear bordering on terror when it comes to bears. The thought of what happened to the owners of a vintage red 1964 Buick convertible this holiday weekend over in Lake Tahoe gives us the chills. A hungry bear cub decided a little pick-a-nick basket was the way to go, and sat down in the back seat for a lovely little luncheon of barbeque-chicken-and-jalapeno pizza — and then washed it all down with a swig of Jack Daniels, Absolut vodka and tonic and a beer the bear snagged from the cooler. Let's be clear here folks — we don't care how much you don't want to finish that pizza — stop feeding the bears! It only encourages them. And as we can see, they're now willing to do just about anything to get what they really want — our liquor.
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#newsweird
Po-Po Busted For Poontangin' Around in Squad Car
Whoopsy-daisy! Our tabloidian brother Sploid reports that a police officer in sleepy Hugo, Oklahoma (Hugo! OK! Football! You bet!) got busted by a fellow citizen who shot a photo of a partially-clothed woman leaning in the driver's side door of a police cruiser, presumably performing some sort of sexually-oriented act on the officer inside. The shot made the local paper, and authorities summarily fired the officer for bringing "reproach and discredit" upon the department and the community. More » -
#newsweird
Digger Madness!
You in the UK call it a digger. We here in the United States generally refer to it as a backhoe. A relative of ours was rebuilding a cottage in the countryside; he got a grant to do so on the condition that one wall would remain standing. Once the rest of the house was razed, one of his workmen accidentally backed a digger into it, and he built the new wall out about four feet farther. But that's nothing compared to this bloke in the UK who took down his landlord's house with one. More » -
#newsweird
Teenage Girl Steals Bus, Crashes it into 16 Cars
A friend of ours, who is now a mother and a fine, upstanding member of the community, was a bit of a miscreant as a teenager. More specifically, she was known to smoke cigareettes and steal cars. But still, we wonder what compels a sixteen-year-old UK girl to steal a freaking bus, drive it around for a bit, and then smash it into a row of sixteen parked cars. Actually, smashing a bus into a row of parked cars sounds kind of fun. Who's gonna be the first one to blame this on Clarkson? More » -
#newsweird
We'll Let Thnderblt Tell the Story: Painful Sunroof Ejection
Now and then, Thnderblt Doherty sends in a tip so hilariously-worded that we really can't improve upon it. And when such a thing comes to us in a state of basic perfection, the words on Charles Bukowski's grave come to mind: "Don't try." In that spirit, take it away, Mister D. More » -
#newsweird
Peacocks Attack Cars in Texas Neighborhood
In the interest of keeping star commenter TexansAreHot happy, here's one more item from the Lone Star State. (As an aside, did y'all know that the star on the California flag — which might possibly be the best flag ever, although we're partial to the DC flag, too — was added to show solidarity with Texas?) Digressions aside, a crew of peacocks has been attacking vehicles in an Arlington, Texas neighborhood. More » -
#newsweird
Don Ho's Toyota Perforated by Vandals
Poor Don Ho. First he has to go to Thailand to have his ailing heart injected with stem cells, and then some hoodlums in Des Moines take what appears to be an ice axe to his '02 Toyota SUV. On the upside, according to the Des Moines Register, Ho was visiting "a girlfriend" at the time. Which implies that he's got more than one. Man, even pushing 80, and even driving a swiss-cheesed 'Yota, the guy's still a damn player. Our hat is off to you, Don Ho. Maybe you can use the holes in the truck's body to blow tiny bubbles through. [Thanks to Al for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Drunk Guy Steals Street Sweeper, Hilarity Ensues
Much like the wind cries "Mary," there is a Blt that Thnders "DOHERTY!" And said Thndering Blt kicked us down another heartwarming odd vehicle theft involving a drunk guy in New England. 26-year-old Michael Moran found a street sweeper with the keys in it in a parking garage, and in a fit of drunken New English logic, decided to take the machine for a cruise. Our favorite bit is this: "Moran traveled several blocks before he was caught by people chasing him." We're imagining an army of torch-wielding Clavin-clones running after the machine, yelling Eastern Seaboard-style epithets at him while Ennio Morricone's "The Ecstacy of Gold" plays loudly over speakers mounted on the sweeper's roof Japanese-Cosell-Better Off Dead-style. All of it, of course, in extra-dramatic slow-mo. More » -
#newsweird
Is the Severed-Head Crash the New Brokeback Enzo?
Yesterday we reported on the wreck up in Idaho that resulted in the discovery of a severed head at the crash scene that didn't belong to anyone involved in the accident. It belonged to the driver of the Dodge Ram's wife. After Alofa Time killed two and injured a third (but was unhurt himself) police searched his home, finding the body of Theresa N. Time, sans head. As tipster ThnderbltDoherty points out, it's worthy of a Stephen King novel. More » -
#newsweird
Freak Scene: Severed Head Found at Crash Site
Wow, this isn't just tragic, it's really kind of giving us the jibblies. Early this morning Boise police arrived at the site of a head-on collision between a Dodge Ram and a Nissan Sentra. The force of the accident claimed the lives of the female driver of the Sentra, as well as one child, while another was taken to the hospital. This, of course, is all very sad, but here's where it gets creepy. The severed head of another woman was found at the crash site. A head that belongs to a body found miles away from where the accident occurred. The Dodge's driver is being held for questioning. Meanwhile, we're going for a walk to cleanse ourselves. [Thanks to Chris for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Flordian Po-Pos Go to Trannyshack
Okay, fine, RuPaul and the Tom-of-Finland-style police officer are gay icons, and in many ways, even archetypes. But Officer Delicious of the West Palm Beach PD is neither Tom-of-Finland-built nor RuPaul hot. Instead, he looks like a rather large, rather unattractive African-American woman. And his job is to sit on a park bench and eye red-light-running motorists with ticket-writing intent. Delicious has been known to write nearly 75 tickets in an hour and a half, which makes us wonder, rather than spending cash on women's clothing, if the city of West Palm Beach shouldn't think about re-timing the lights at that intersection. Oh, wait. That wouldn't generate revenue. Or allow an officer his fetish for crossdressing. Duh. [Thanks to Scott for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
Time to Heist the Donuts: Maine Man Steals Dunks Truck
Oh to be young, dumb and full of Coors Light again. Brandon Cote of South Portland saw an opportunity while inebriated and took it: an unattended Dunkin' Donuts delivery van with the keys tantalizingly left in the ignition. Roughly three hours later, he was spotted speeding, and the po-po — fiercely protective of donut shop owners everywhere — took off in a 50mph pursuit, nabbing the 18-year-old when he ditched the vehicle and ran. Tipster TexansAreHot is hoping the truck is one of the coffee-and-donut-box-shaped machines pictured above. And well, frankly, we hope so, too. That almost makes the crime worth the time. More » -
#newsweird
Rocket Into the Crypt: Graveyard Hoonage Turns Deadly
Freakin' Hayward, man. Our girlfriend moves there and dumps us. Joe Strummer becomes obsessed with the place and now he's dead. And some guy in a '67 'Vette tries to race a guy through a cemetery in what was probably an SLK, crashes his Sting Ray into a mausoleum and winds up just as stiff as its occupants. We swear, it's just further proof that a Hayward wind blows no good. Meanwhile, we had no idea that the Mercedes "Kompressor" forced-induction system was a turbo, not a supercharger. Freakin' SF Chronicle, man... [Thanks to CTE for the tip.] More » -
#newsweird
His Sugarmomma Bought Him a Mercedes-Benz?
Man, when we were sixteen, we totally would've rendered an in-need neighbor lady sexual services in exchange for a four-year-old S-Class. Of course, our folks probably wouldn't have cared too much for the sweetheart deal. We don't know if they would've pressed charges, although we're damn sure they would've made us return the car. Lisa Frodella, who is admittedly not as hot as we like our Mrs. Robinsonesque fantasy neighbors to be, wasn't so lucky. She's staring down the barrel of two counts of third-degree rape and criminal sex acts and is being held on $40,000 cash bail, which, coincidentally, is the Blue Book value of the S430. More » -
#newsweird
Flags and Emblems: Banner-Carrying Cars Spooking Horses in UK
When was the last time you were in a locale that boasted an Equine Liaison Officer? Well, rural Hampshire, England has one by the name of Derek Grist, and he's not exactly thrilled with all of the cars flying the Union Jack during the runup to the World Cup. Why? Because the waving flags apparently have the capacity to spook horses, causing them to bolt. Apparently, the horses are roughly as amenable to British subjugation as the Indians, Scots, Irish, Sex Pistols and Farago. More » -
#newsweird
Flying Car Bursts into District Area Hechts, Flames
Our boy in DC, one CTE, tossed us a tip on a flying car in his woods of the neck as a hedge against further El Camino posts. He may have stemmed the tide, but that's all he's done — stem it momentarily. Meanwhile, the motorist, whose car made an amazing Robert E. Lee-style airborne charge escaped with minor injuries, despite the on-fireness of his vehicular projectile. In fact, he hopped out of the car and attempted to escape by catching a bus. Now that, friends, is moxie. Super Dave Osborne is totally jealous that he didn't think of this stunt first. More » -
#newsweird
Lithuanian Drunk Driver Nailed for 18 Times the Legal Limit
Let us preface this post by saying we wish we were Lithuanian so we could have a wonderful Lithuanian name. Alas, the closest we ever got was going to school with Amanda Zibners, who is half-Latvian. Which is to say, we didn't get close at all. Vidmantas Sungaila was pulled over 60 miles from Vilnius for driving down the center of the road. He'd been drinking brews for breakfast and was merry as can be. He also had double the amount of alcohol in his system that's generally considered lethal, yet he laughed and smiled his way through questioning. More » -
#news
Weapons Of Mass Destruction, Zero. Mercedes-Benz 560, One.
We've got an update to last summer's story of First Sergeant William von Zeal, the soldier who returned home from Iraq down $5,000, but up one 1988 Mercedes-Benz 560 formerly owned by Saddam Hussein. Well, looks like the man's trying to keep this veteran down with a downright un-American move — the Merc's been seized by the feds for possible violations of federal smuggling laws and an executive order barring the importation of property from Saddam's regime. Although the customized Merc had a few unortthodox features — namely flamethrowers, hidden microphones and armour-plating — we doubt it was home to any WMD's. More » -
#newsweird
Six Year-Old Boy Tries to Buy Dad Car
A six-year-old boy from Essex, England slipped an envelope stuffed with cash through the mail slot of a car dealership in an attempt to buy a Mazda for his dad's birthday. One problem, though. The cash consisted of precisely 33 pence. The boy, known only as Adil, left an unintelligible contact number. Adil, if you're reading this, don't you know that if you want to buy a car for 33p, you go to the Rover dealership? You might even score a rebate. Can you say "rebate?" We knew you could. More » -
#newsweird
The Only Way to Exit is Going Piece by Piece: German Thieves Steal Cars in Bits
Over a six year period, a gang of patient, crafty scofflaws stole parts from BMW and Mercedes factories and gradually rebuilt the cars. Supposedly, the crooks "had smuggled millions of pounds worth of cars out bit by bit in clothing and bags for six years before the scam was exposed." Because nobody would ever look askance at the guy with a subframe assembly tucked into his lederhosen. More » -
#news
Airplane Parts Are Makin' Like Fallout Boy: They Be Goin' Down
So how lucky is this woman? She's just parked and is running over to her dance class when out of nowhere — "Splat!" — the wing flap off of a U.S.-based A300 cargo jet slams into her car. But, just like our friend Amanda and every Canuckian Maple Leaf fan, she's all worried about others and had the following comment:
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#news
Update: Holy Top Gun, It's The Jet-Powered VW Beetle!
Now this is our kinda Beetle. In fact, it may be the only time we could ever categorize the Beetle as "cool." It's just too bad it takes a jet engine to get us wanting to drive the round, pod-like and alltogether girly-girl VW Beetle. But yeah, we know we've posted on it before — but this time the San Francisco Chronicle has all the details (plus video!) on 50-year-old Ron Patrick, and how with $250,000 he pimped his ride with a Navy surplus GE T58-8F 1,450 hp jet engine — in fact, the President's chopper Marine One, has two of these things on it. We'll put it to you this way — it idles at 13,000 RPM. Fahrvergn
gen that, Volkswagen. (Hat Tip to Mark S.!)
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#hoon
Hoon of the Day: Lunchtray Donuts!
Take one front-wheel-drive car, put two plastic cafeteria trays under the rear wheels, and pull the parking brake. Commence making sweet donuts. Extra credit: use long-lasting metal trays from a military base cafeteria. More »
