Commenter Of The Day: Burns And Allen Edition

There are those marriages where it's hard to wonder how one partner operates without the other because both partners make the other one better. Perhaps one of the greatest comedic married couples in the last century was George Burns & Gracie Allen. One would setup the joke and the other would knock it out of the park, with George usually doing the setting and Gracie doing the knocking. Burns had a long career afterwards, but as he said himself "First you have to have a talent. You have to develop this talent. Then you have to marry her like I did!" Well, not all marriages are that successful. More »

Chrysler Group to cut prices on the newly redesigned 2008 minivans by as much as $3,585 to fend off an assault from foreign automakers with their own egg-mobiles. [Bloomberg]

In addition to the CAFE-talk yesterday, John Snow of Cerberus claims he is totally "committed to Chrysler." But umm, didn't both Schrempp and Zetsche say the same thing? [NYT]

If you didn't make it to the Detroit Economic Club for the luncheon, John Snow of Cerberus supports CAFE standards. Also, they had chicken. [Detroit News]

John "Informer" Snow of Cerberus to discuss impact of Chrysler sale today at Detroit Economic Club. Hurry and snatch those tickets up before they're gone — we hear they're serving chicken! [Freep]

Is Smart Still Smart For DaimlerChrysler?

Yeah, you think the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid was dragging down the Teutonic knights of Stuttgart? Ha! Check out the Smart brand, which according to a report by the German newsdaily Handelsblatt, as reported today by Automotive News. They continue:

"Without the burden of the Smart brand, the Mercedes group would have achieved a record operating profit of more than 4 billion euros last year, or $5.34 billion at current exchange rates. Instead, the group posted a 2.4 billion euros, or $3.20 billion, operating profit."

Considering the not-so-big size of the makers of the not-so-big ForTwo, those are some pretty big losses — according to the report, 3.9 billion euros over the past four years. Taking size into account, my guess is they're losing more money comparatively than the Chrysler Group was / is. Uh-oh, maybe the round table of the board of the knights of Teuton could decide to dump Smart forimpeding on the profitability of Mercedes. – Ray Wert More »

Learn All About The Chrysler Sale On Your iPhone

The most recent AT&T-Apple ad for the iPhone shows just how much iPhone users are ready and waiting to care about the sale of the former 'merican side of the German-American hybrid — if only given the opportunity. The new über-phone is shown running through such fundamentals as "how to turn it on", how to listen to music, how to check e-mail, etc. But when it gets to "this is how you surf the web," we're treated to a web shot of the New York Times from a few weeks back featuring an article by Micki Maynard and Mark Landler — "Chrysler on Verge of Sale to a Private Firm." But then — just as these two automotive industry writers are about to become famous as the hands of Jobs (or whomever) ready themselves to tap on the article — just as the whole of the technology-obsessed world readies itself to find out all about the ins and outs of the imminent sale of the Chrysler Group to Cerebus — friggin' John Appleseed calls. God, I hate that man and his apple tree-spreading ways. – Ray Wert More »

Wolfgang Bernhard's Riding The Chrysler Group Like A Tomahawk Hemi-Cycle

Since joining the Cerberus team to help "advise" them on an acquisition bid for the Chrysler Group, everyone's been wondering what Wolfgang "Tomahawk" Bernhard'd be doing over there in Auburn Hills after the winning bid was announced. It looks like we've now got our answer. Reports from the Wall Street Journal yesterday indicate Wolfgang Bernhard's

"making the rounds at Chrysler's design studios, pointing out in detail what he likes and what he doesn't like and doling out assignments to employees the way he used to when he was No. 2 at Chrysler to Dieter Zetsche, now Daimler's chief executive, people familiar with the matter said...Company officials have stressed that Mr. LaSorda will remain chief executive. Mr. Bernhard, however, is poised to have a prominent role, as well...A person familiar with the matter says he will answer to Mr. Feinberg, not Mr. LaSorda, on Chrysler's performance. Mr. Bernhard already has an office on the executive floor at Chrysler's headquarters."

The key point here's the fact Bernhard won't be reporting to Tom "Slim-Fast" Lasorda, but he will... More »

Buyers Say "Meh" To High Gas Prices: Chrysler Group Sales Up 4% On Jeep, Truck And Minivan Sales

Apparently those gas prices didn't slow down the trail-rated badge at the Chrysler Group. They saw sales up 4.3% in May, boosted by strong demand for the Jeep brand, big incentives on the Dodge Ram pickup truck and the long-in-the-tooth minivans. That means the team from Auburn Hills sold 199,393 vehicles this past month compared to the 191,261 last year during the same time. But keep in mind there was another selling day this month — so it's probably a little bit less than that. We'd give you the full press release, but it's probably still being written in German. – Ray Wert More »

How Many Drinks Was That: Wert Gabs About Chrysler

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Saying Goodbye To The German-American Hybrid

With word today the Chrysler Group would no longer continue to be the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid, the folks who always have money on the mind have asked Wert to reprise his role as talking head this evening. In addition to the topic, the time's 7:20 PM EST, the place as always is CNBC's On The Money. Your job? That's simple — come up with some new rules for the only Official Car Pundit Drinking Game in all of the known universe. As a bonus, let's also come up with some new nicknames for the automaker formerly known as the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid. More »

GMA Knows Cerberus Is Not A Car Company

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Lasorda E-mail on the Unmerger of Equals

More news from the top on the de-Americanization of the German-American hybrid. Chrysler CEO, Tom Lasorda has followed Dieter with an e-mail of his own, but with less management speak and more nitty-gritty. The shocker here is that Tom tells us there are no further cuts planned and no interruption in the UAW contracts. What? Cerberus will have to actually reorganize the company and make it functional? Weird. He also touches on the topic of DaimlerChrysler Financial, which will apparently be split up in the deal as well. Some speculation is already brewing regarding a possible merger of GMAC and the Chrysler Financial businesses, since Cerberus has control of both. This of course is based on nothing, but that's what makes speculation fun. The contents of the programs representing that 19.9% retained have also come to light, consisting of... More »

Corporate Unmerger of E-mails: Dieter Style

Hot on the heels of the announcement that the merger of equals will become a partial-ownership-but-mostly-sale-of-no-longer-equals comes an e-mail from Grand Master Mustache Dieter Zetsche to his beloved employees. Something about "toughest thing I've done in my professional career" and "Chrysler will be more agile and flexible"... and then my eyes glazed over. No word on how Cerberus will make Chrysler more flexible, but like I said, I didn't read it too close. It could have said everybody gets a free puppy and ice cream and I would have missed it. Full mailer after the jump... – Ben Wojdyla More »

Speculation No More! Chrysler Group Sold To Cerberus Capital Management!

DaimlerChrysler confirmed today it would no longer be known as the German-American hybrid as they've now confirmed they've sold off 80.1% of the 'merican side for $7.4 billion to Wolfgang Bernhard Cerberus Capital Management. – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Russian Billionaire To Fund Magna Bid For Chrysler!

OK, so we'll totally called this one. True, we called it humorously, but whatevs, we'll take our wins when and where we can. Under the terms of an agreement announced early Thursday companies owned by Oleg Deripaska, the Russian entrepreneur, will pay $1.54 billion to acquire 20 million Class A shares of Magna International. Magna CEO Frank "Stroke Me, Stroke Me" Stronach claims the transaction has nothing to do with the Chrysler bid — but it's hard not to think that the additional hot injection of cold Russian capital from Deripaska doesn't have something to do with it. So this means if the Magna deal goes through we'll have the same guy who owns GAZ also now owning part of the Chyrsler Group — so we guess GAZ will finally be able to steal those Jeep designs legally. Ah, the joys of Capitalism! [Hat tip to AllenParkPete!] – Ray Wert More »

Even If Daimler Doesn't Want It Anymore, Chrysler Still Thinks It's "Engineered Beautifully"

Despite the fact the German side of the German-American hybrid no longer wants anything to do with the 'merican side, the 'mericans are still trying to feel pretty inside. That's why they've released a set of four new ads touting their vehicles as being "engineered beautifully." That phrase apparently is the distillation of the fact that "...at its core, the Chrysler brand stands for stylish products, agile performance, refined quality and the confidence of being proud without being arrogant." Well, considering the fact that they're now seen as being Daimler-Benz's little whipping boy, I somehow don't know how much I agree with the fact that they're looking all that "proud" now, much less "arrogant." And don't even get us started on "agile performance" and make us bring up the new Sebring. But whatever it takes this jilted lover to get through the day, you know? Full release below the jump. – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Magna Only Bidder Left?

Yet another strange-ass news mag we've never heard of out of Deutschland (but with a very Automotive News-like website) is reporting that the not-so-equal side of the merger-of-equals is playing games with private equity. They believe Magna International may be the only bidder the German-American hybrid's interested in selling the 'merican side off to. It's their belief the folks at Cerberus (now with Super Wolfgang Bernhard Potential!) and Blackstone may be nothing more than window dressing for the real talks with the Canadian auto supplier. As always, time will tell and as usual, the speculatin' sure is fun! – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: UAW Mulls Chrysler Bid, CAW Says "Hell No!"

We read this morning in the Detroit News the UAW was interested in maybe making their own socialist-style private equity bid for the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid. Now that we've had a bit to digest that little bite of industry info, we're actually a bit interested in hearing more about this cockamamie KirkKerkamamie scheme. But it sounds like there's at least one card-carrying union-man who's not interested in the proposal in the least. That man would be none other than CAW leader Buzz Hargrove. The Buzz-man told Automotive News

"We're not interested...the workers already have everything invested in that company today including their jobs and their pensions."

Who knew Canadians were such ramblin' gamblin' men? – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Magna Confirms "Involvement"

We just received the following press release from the Canadian auto supplier:

Magna Confirms Involvement in Potential Sale of Chrysler Group

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Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: An Inconvenient Sale?

Rick Haglund's totally got a great idea in an article today over on MLive. Oh yeah...totally a great idea. – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Some Guy In London Says Chance Of Chrysler Group Sale "Very Low"

Ashwin Patil, an analyst with Independent International Investment Research PLC in London, UK (oh right, them — who?) is quoted as telling Bloomberg News:

"Achieving an appropriate buyer and right price will not be an easy task...We believe the possibility of Chrysler being sold is very low and the current valuation level of the common stock is not sustainable."

Well sure, it's a slow news day, so whatever Ashwin says, right? All we have to give as a retort to Ashwin is — never underestimate the power of DaimlerDouche. – Ray Wert More »

Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: It's Not So Much The Size Of Your Offer As What You'll Do With It

AdAge's Jean Halliday claims the big pressure for anyone interested in buying the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid isn't so much what she claims is the "$5 billion to $7 billion" price tag. She feels the real questions are how the hell do you sell off the steel you've currently got taking up space on the lots and then more importantly how do you differentiate between these platform-prostituted brands? According to the "experts" she's queried, the two big problems are the Jeep and Chrysler badges:

"The Chrysler brand probably needs the most work — its perception now is "vaguely premium" — and the company has too many similar models, he said, citing the Dodge Durango and Chrysler Aspen. Management tried to stretch the Jeep brand too far...with the Commander hurting the Grand Cherokee and the Jeep Compass competing with the Dodge Caliber...Jeep's crown jewel, the Grand Cherokee, has been ignored..."

But hey, at least they've still got... More »

The Official Car Pundit Drinking Game: Is The UAW In Bed With Kirk Kerkorian?

We're willing to forgive CNBC's Phil LeBeau for not including a link to the Jalop on his blog yet over at their newly-revamped website for the financial news network, but only because he totally gets us the scoops. Like this little Chrysler Group sales speculation:

CNBC has learned people friendly with Tracinda Corp. have had cursory discussions with the UAW regarding a possible purchase of Chrysler.

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Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Canadian Supplier Magna In Talks With Private Equity For $4.7 Billion Purchase

CNBC reported a little earlier this morning that a private equity group along with Canadian supplier Magna International's readying, or already has submitted, a bid for the Chrysler Group of between $4.6 and $4.7 billion dollars. Just wanted to tell you so that you can get ready to start blaming Canada for something more than that hockey hullabaloo and that bitch Anne Murray. – Ray Wert More »

A Name Is Not Just A Name To Two Daimler Douches

Two members of the DaimlerChrysler Board of Directors are asking for the Board to vote in April on whether or not to keep the DaimlerChrysler name or revert back to the DaimlerBenz name of old. Cars.com is reporting that Prof. Dr. Ekkehard Wenger and Dr. Leonhard Knoll have asked for the following resolution to be adopted by the Board:

"Article 1 of the Articles of Incorporation, currently worded

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More Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Bernhard's Back On The Back Of A Three-Headed Dog

Looks like Dr. Z.'s favorite scion is back in the action, as the Financial Times is reporting Wolfgang Bernhard, the restructuring expert who helped to turn around the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid five years ago, has signed an advisory contract with Cerberus Capital Management. Wethinks that's going to strengthen their bid just a bit, eh? Bernhard, who was chief operating officer at the Chrysler Group until he left to run V-Dub, signed the contract for a full-time role recently, according to the UK financial daily. Wow, what with their big stake in GMAC, the three-headed dog of capital management's really getting into this whole automakin' thing. [Hat tip to Kevin!] – Ray Wert More »

Continuing The Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: What Gettelfinger Wants, Gettelfinger Gets!

For every new day it seems like we're getting more and more speculation, rumor and non-news on the potential for a Chrysler Group sale. Today's batch comes over the back fence to us from Bloomberg News and The Wall Street Journal. The Journal's reporting that the more-equal-than-others side of the German-American hybrid is looking to have a short list of potential suitors for the 'merican side by the general shareholder meeting on April 4th in Berlin. Whether or not it'll be a late April Fool's Day surprise is anyone's guess. Bloomberg News on the other hand is reporting some non-news in the form of an interview with UAW President Ron Gettelfinger on WJR-AM in Detroit. Gettelfinger's reported as saying he thinks it'd be a good idea for DaimlerChrysler to retain the second half of it's name,

"We want to keep Chrysler Group in the family...I'm not ready to concede Chrysler Group is going to come out of DaimlerChrysler."

Strong words there Ron — now what are you going to do about it? Vote against it at the board meeting perhaps? Ok, so that means the vote will be everyone minus one in favor of cutting Chrysler and one against. – Ray Wert More »

Ad Watch: The Jeep Patriot Is A Wolf?

With a starting price of $14,985, Patriot displaces the Compass, its platform prostituted sister, as the new entry-level price point for the Jeep brand. Just in case you've forgotten what the mini-Commander looks like, gander at the gallery below. For those of you who do remember, let's continue. The ad campaign for the Patriot's going to be all about "Choosing Your Own Adventure" which forms a nice little acronym that could just as easily stand for "Cover Your Own Ass," which very well could be the reason the trail-rated version of the Mitsubishi GS even exists. From the first spot we've seen, called "Wolf" (above) we're a bit curious about one thing — if the Patriot's supposed to be the "male version" of the Compass, why the hell does it have a girl using a wolf to kick the ass of two hapless guys? Just sayin'...full press release after the jump. We hear there's a conference call for this badge-engineered ad campaign, however we're afraid we may vomit if we're forced to listen in. – Ray Wert More »

Even More Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: Jedi Council Edition

YODA : Your thoughts dwell on your potential to be a takeover target.

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More Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: SAIC Doesn't Want Your Damn US Auto Manufacturer!

That rumor that Chinese auto manufacturer SAIC wanted a little bit of sumthin-sumthin from the German-American hybrid? According to SAIC, that's just not the case. Automotive News this morning is reporting that Shanghai Automotive spokesperson Chen Hong stated

"We have just floated...on the A-share market through the injection, so we are focusing on improving the A-share company...we need to further improve the quality of our growth instead of further boosting the size of our assets. At the moment, all domestic automakers are working on plans to expand their production as the Chinese market is still growing steadily"

So by injection, we're assuming he meant an injection of $2.4 billion worth of core assets into its newly-listed Shanghai unit rather than... More »

Ad Watch: Can The Dodge Avenger Turn You Into Deep Purple, Batman Or A Salsa Dancer?

We'd heard initially the Dodge Avenger campaign might be something more hoontastic, so we already knew we'd be a bit disappointed by the campaign no matter how good it ended up. However, even through the disappointment, we tried to do our level best to keep our minds on a level playing field. Still, despite the attempts at mustering the positive energy, we couldn't get all that jacked up about this Sebring clone. Of the three ads, the best one's got to be the one above, which is called "tuned up" is supposed to "illustrate the fun that's available from Avenger's 3.5-liter V-6 engine and six-speed Auto Stick transmission." All it really ends up doing in our mind is illustrating how much better looking the sheet "metal" looks on the Avenger than it does on the Sebring, and that "Smoke On The Water" can't be done justice with the sounds emanating from a 3.5-liter V6 engine. But that's just the first ad. The second two, found below the jump, are not much better. The first one, "superhero," is supposed to illustrate how you can be "Batman" to your kid. The third ad, which like all non-truck commercials targeting the Hispanic community, is called "passion," and is supposed to illustrate how you can have salsa dancers dance for you if you buy a Dodge Avenger. At least that's what we think it's supposed to do. Anyway, the press release for the clone-of-Sebring's also below. – Ray Wert More »

The Official Car Pundit Drinking Game: Chrysler Goes Swiss Edition

As in neutral, which is where the talks on the challenge of selling off the 'merican side of the German-American not-so-much-equal merger's been for the past two weeks. And by neutral, we mean gunnin' the engine, but not going anywhere. So while one member of the Jalopnik team's been drinking hot chocolat by the chalet fireplace, our intrepid associate editor from Detroit's had his nose deep in the financial books trying to divine some sense from the conflicting reports on who wants what out of the Chrysler Group. The latest talk's been of a private equity group jumping into the mix, and many a civvie wearing a Visitor tag's been seen over in Auburn Hills the past couple of days as the capital fund boys n' girls have been doing their own tea leaf reading. That must be why the folks at CNBC's On The Money have asked our intrepid main man from the D to grace them with his presence this evening at 7:30 EST. So while we let the nose powdering commence, why don't y'all come up with some new rules for Wert? If you're confused, as always, use this as a guide. More »

Chrysler Group Doesn't So Much Beat Expectations On The Up-Side, Sees Sales Down 8% For February

Unlike the General's breaking performance earlier — the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid beat expectations, just not in the direction they would have liked. So despite beating that 7% prediction from Bear Stearns and actually dropping 8% in sales month-to-month still means they only pushed 174,506 vehicles out the door in February. So if there's a bright side to look at, it's that that level of performance probably makes a great number of German execs in the not-so-much merger of equals quite happy. Oh and yeah, 5,205 of those sales are the new Dodge Avenger — so there's that. Anyway, the full release is below the jump. Read it at your own risk. – Ray Wert More »

More Chrysler Group Sales Speculation: DaimlerChrysler Wants To Keep Jeep Brand?

Another strangely named German magazine's speculating reporting on an interesting development in the talks to sell off the 'merican side of the not-so-much merger of equals. Apparently, according to Handelsblatt (a name which we think literally means "trade rag mag") there's interest at DaimlerChrysler in keeping the Jeep brand as a boutique badge for the cross-Atlantic hybrid. Which doesn't make much sense for a company like General Motors because the two brands they're interested in would be the Jeep and Dodge names. However, a Chinese automaker would certainly not give a rat's ass which brands it's getting — as long as it's getting some 'merican name to sell their wares over on this side of the Pacific. The plot's thickening. [Hat tip to Gary!] – Ray Wert More »

It's Official Unless China Says It's Not: Chery To Make Itty-Bitty Cars For Chrysler Group

This deal's been in the works for what seems like forever. We'd even heard the 'merican side of the German-American hybrid was all set to go in October of this past year, but held off for "political reasons." So it's really no surprise that the deals' done — the DaimlerChrysler supervisory board's approved the "framework of a limited partnership to develop small vehicles between the Chrysler Group and Chery Motor Company of China." Under the agreement, Chery-built vehicles would be distributed under Chrysler brands, primarily in North American and Western Europe. That means we'll be talking about a Dodge, as it's the only brand the 'merican side of the not-so-much merger of equals is building any brand equity with. And that means it'll be the little horn-dog of a Hornet, and this will be an easy and quick win for Tom "Need To Lose Weight Of Excess Employees Fast" LaSorda. Of course the deal's still contingent on the approval of the Chinese government, but we're assuming that'll happen — unless the Hornet's some symbol of uncleanliness to a minority religion in China. But probably not. Full press release after the jump. – Ray Wert More »

Bear Stearns Predicts February US Auto Sales Are Sucktastic, Like January

Here's the latest across the wires from Bear Stearns, we're assuming that means it was their auto analyst stud, Peter Nesvold, but regardless of who it was — here's their official guesstimate on what sales numbers will look like for the "Big Three" for the month ending tomorrow:

Bear Stearns previews February Auto Sales

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Breaking Crazy Chrysler Speculation! Chrysler Swap For GM Ownership Stake; GAZ To Buy Or Not To Buy?

As we continue to follow the Chrysler Group rumor trail out of Stuttgart, Germany and Detroit we're finding ourselves hearing all sorts of strange stuff this AM. First off the bat, Reuters is reporting that the Financial Times is reporting that some guy in a back room somewhere in Stuttgart overheard from a waiter who was taking a lunch order from Bobo Uebber's assistant's intern that the German side of the not-so-much-a-merger of equals is considering taking a minority stake in the General as payment for the 'merican side of the business. That is, you know, if a deal actually takes place between the two automakers. But that's not the only crazy speculation of the day. The second thing we heard this morning was the Russian automaker GAZ was eyeing Chrysler — that was according to the German weekly magazine Focus. Oh wait, this just in — Reuters is reporting Focus is full of it and GAZ is not interested in the automaker anymore. Well, that was fun for the whole four seconds that lasted. – Ray Wert More »

Check Out The Size Of The Chrysler Group's Package!

That's right, the Chrysler Group's just announced severance packages and buyout terms that make up the Chrysler Group Recovery and Transformation Plan (or, feel free to use the not-at-all-awkward acronym of CGRTP, if you prefer). The 'merican side of the German-American hybrid's looking to reach their target of a reduction of 2,000 salaried positions by 2008 by offering these packages to and incentive programs for non-bargaining units (i.e. salaried employees, white collar workers, folks who work in the Tech Center or whatever you want to call them). Check out the size of the packages below the jump. More »