Unlike most claimer races, in which any schmoe on the premises may claim a car for a specified sum, the fine print of the 24 Hours Of LeMons rulebook states that "At the end of the competition, the organizer—and nobody else, you lazy, better-car-wantin' bastids—may elect to purchase any vehicle from its owner(s) for $500. In other words, don't spend a lot on a cheater, cause if you do, you ain't gonna own it much longer." While Chief Perp Jay Lamm had considered claiming a car in the past (often with much encouragement to do so from the LeMons Supreme Court), he'd always chickened out with some lame excuse like "I have too many damn hoopty-ass cars at my house now, where am I going to fit another one?" Not this time! Since the Paraguayan Benz is essentially unregisterable, the engine will end up in a Model A owned by one of the Assistant Perps, while the rest of the car will likely be traded for a couple of boxes of rusty Alfa Romeo parts.

The good news for Team Diplomatic Immunity is that they went home with two major trophies: the Heroic Fix, for their 8-hour heater-hose replacement, and the coveted I Got Screwed trophy, for having their nice car snatched away from their clutches.

Everything was going just fine for Der Wienerschmoker II, Electric Boogaloo (which somehow managed to get an M3 engine past the LeMons Supreme Court), but it turns out that more power doesn't necessarily result in a better race car. We're not quite sure what happened out there, but the result was one very bent-up E30. Note all the Bart Simpson Penalty writing under that Thunderhill dirt on the bodywork; perhaps we should have been harsher on the Wienerschmokers in the Penalty Box!

Wayne, aka Stratocastrator, was at the wheel and walked away from the wreck without a scratch. Being a veteran of decades of balls-to-the-wall dirt-track racing, he didn't consider this to be much of an impact.

Wayne's tough, but it turns out that the Volvo 240 is even tougher! You know all those ads Volvo used to run, touting the rollover protection of the 240? They weren't bullshitting- the roof wasn't even mashed down to the roll cage! According to team captain Hellhammer, all the car needs to run again is a new left front wheel.

But you don't care about all that stuff- you want to witness the carnage! OK, we're happy to oblige:

Thanks to Larisa Wolf for the photograph at top!

Their reward: overall win at the third annual Arse Freeze-A-Palooza 24 Hours Of LeMons! Even though it was yet another damn E30 (the third to take the overall win at a LeMons race, which ties the Toyota Supra for most LeMons wins by a single model of car), we felt pretty good about giving the trophy to these guys. You see, not only were they very infrequent visitors to the Penalty Box- in a race that annihilated the black-flag record, with a total of five hundred and freakin' twenty penalties over the weekend- but they had the class to relinquish number 43 so that the Über Bird team could Petty out their machine in proper fashion. Great job, Pandamonium!

That's not to take away from the accomplishment of Pandamonium Racing's BMW E30; I'll post about their overall win once I'm back to civilization. Now I"m going to pack up the Crown Vic and head south 130 miles. Check in later for more LeMons Arse Freeze roundups!

At this race, we've seen some normally bulletproof machines fall apart, while the Italian contingent (four Alfa Romeos and a Fiat) have proven completely trouble-free.

The failure of a tiny hose in the Paraguayan Mercedes-Benz S600 knocked the car out of the action for most of Saturday. The team was able to get a replacement hose, but had to remove approximately 10,000 oddball fasteners in order to access its hiding place beneath the intake manifold. Betcha this is a $15,000 repair at your local Benz shop! The car managed to get back onto the track late in the afternoon, and proved to be so slow and unwieldy that most of the People's Curse talk has died down. Would you believe that "V12" is not necessarily synonymous with "fast?"

The Angry Hamster Racing Magna V65-powered Honda Z600 turned out to be quite fast on the track... right up to the moment at which they started having problems with the gears in their snazzy CNC-machined direction-reversing gearbox. They lost some time on Saturday, but have returned to the action.

These Saab racers have done their best to carry on the LeMons Saab tradition of burning holes in their cylinder heads. Hope the local junkyards have another one!

The casualty rate among the Nissan Z contingent appears to be approaching 100%, with an epidemic holes in blocks, busted clutches, and impossible-to-diagnose electrical woes bringing tears to the eyes of Nissan lovers everywhere.

The video below, provided by the V8olvo team, tells the whole story. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and the Volvo will be ready to race later this morning. It seems unlikely that the TR7 can be fixed, but you never know what miracles of duct-tape repair might happen at a 24 Hours Of LeMons race!

We've got some still photos of the action as well, thanks to Jesse of the Killer Bee MGB team.

Well, he wasn't hurt in the wreck, that is; his teammates (including 5-time DOTS honoree WhatWouldJesseDo) might end up inflicting some bodily harm due to unhappiness over the self-inflicted PIT Maneuver that takes place in the video below. Here you will see the view from the Team Stimulus Package Honda Civic as the incident unfolds.

At this point, the #5 car sits just two laps behind the #1 car; in fact, a mere 10 laps separates the 20th-place car from the leader. We expect to see some reshuffling of these positions tomorrow. You'll find the complete standings, with best lap times, in the gallery below.

Of course, they've got quite a few cars looming in the rear-view mirror, and plenty of racing remains. Will they be the lap leader to start the race tomorrow? We'll see!

Yes, your loved ones will look like the Chaim Witz of endurance racing when they honor the team that came in 75th (out of 123 entries) at the Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons, just by wearing this T-shirt. Just go here and take care of all your holiday shopping needs!
[Zazzle]

Will one of the motorcycle-engined machines dominate? Will the Über Bird use its superior aerodynamics to outrun the field? Will the Cressida and Maxima whip out some serious Japanese Luxo-Sportiness and totally own? There's just no telling! I'll do my best to post live updates, but all signs point to a very, very busy day in the Penalty Box.

I decided to mount the camera (a CHDK-hacked Canon A460) up on one of the metal pillars that supports the roof over the BS Inspection area, but I had no camera-mount bracket... until I stopped by the paddock space of the F-ING Fromage1 Renault Alliance team and picked up a shard of Oregon license plate and some random fasteners. Worked great!

That's the Murilee Arraiac song "Pancreas," which really had 'em dancing in the streets back in 1988. Enjoy.

That's right, it really is possible to obtain a great big Benz with a V12 engine, dent-free body, and cherry interior for 500 bucks. Now, some of you may be asking yourselves, "How in the hell could a car that sold new for $130,000 just over a decade ago possibly make it past the LeMons Supreme Court without getting issued so many penalty laps that the judges get carpal tunnel syndrome from writing so many zeros on the inspection sheet?"

We had a hard time believing it ourselves, but here's how it went down: the car was brought into the country by a Paraguayan diplomat (it still has diplomatic plates), and then some hazily-defined event took place that resulted in a drug-smuggling bust and the involvement of police personnel from several nations. After that, the car became permanently radioactive in the eyes of the DMV, with dealer after dealer attempting to wash it clean of its sins and register it for street use. No dice! Finally, all the optimism evaporated and the last dealer washed his hands of the car, selling it for a grand to... the same LeMons team that once ran a Jaguar XJ-S. They sold the driver's seat for 500 bucks, and that was that. The heater works, the roll cage was installed without trashing the beautiful wood-and-leather interior, and we bought the whole story. There's talk that one of the LeMons Perpetrators may get the Chief Perp to claim the car (as is his, and only his, right) so that he can drop the engine in a '27 Ford Tudor. The team members say they don't want to see this car ever again, once the race is done, so things might work out well for all concerned.

Yes, we've long wanted to see a big German car get turned into a Plymouth Super Bird, and now our dream has come true! A little sheet metal, a lot of Bondo, and the number 43 is all you need.

We gave one cheaty Integra team a choice: take five laps or flip a coin, with heads giving them zero laps and tails resulting in a massive 1,200-lap penalty. They took the coin toss... and got tails! We saw our first-ever LeMons Cressida, our first-ever LeMons 928, and the best LeMons Super Bird ever. More on the Über Bird a bit later; for now, a gallery of BS Inspection photos for you.

I could go on and on about the 200-proof, clear-quill engineering geekery that went into the Angry Hamster Z600- which, by the way, has a smaller footprint than a 4x8 sheet of plywood and will thus fit in the back of an Econoline van- but the entire story is summed up by this photograph. That's the billet-machined gearbox that the Angry Hamsters whipped up from scratch, in order to reverse the direction of the engine's output shaft (which rotated the wrong way for the Mazda rear end they're using) and offset the driveshaft closer to the vehicle centerline. Just look at it! Now multiply that sort of lunacy by everything on the car and you can see why we're in awe of this machine. 110 horsepower in a 1,260-pound vehicle ought to make for some decent acceleration, eh?

When the Metro-Gnomes heard about the Hamsters, they knew they couldn't stand pat with their front-wheel-drive CBR900 setup, and they'd blown their engine to hell at the Buttonwillow race anyway. Somehow they found the budgetary room to get a CBR1000 engine… which they proceeded to move to the rear of the car! Not content to go all Cro-Magnon on the car and just drop a junkyard live axle in the back, they went with the independent rear suspension route and simply moved the entire front suspension and drivetrain to the rear of the car. A junkyard Metro suspension with a lot of cool low-budget mods went in the front. And while the Angry Hamsters got all mathematical and shit with their project, the Metro-Gnomes simply broke out the zip-ties and Sawzall and made everything fit! Some beautiful junkyard ingenuity went into this car, and Dave Coleman (of the Goin' For Broken LeMons-winning Eyesore Racing Ghettocharged Miata team) has done an excellent job documenting all of it over on MotoIQ. Yes, the Eyesores, Hamsters, and Gnomes all know each other, so we figure the rivalry this weekend ought to be fairly friendly.

Who's got the edge? Well, the Angry Hamsters probably have the best power-to-weight ratio and, but the drivers don't have much wheel-to-wheel road-race experience and they didn't get the car finished in time to do any testing before race weekend. The Metro-Gnomes have three LeMons races under their belts, plus numerous track-day practice sessions, but they didn't have the benefit of a huge CNC machine shop for their fabrication needs and there's no telling how all their engineering will hold together under fire. Check in later to find out how they do on Day One of the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza 2009!

Angry Hamster Racing Honda Magna V65-powered Honda Z600

Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0 Honda CBR1000-powered Geo Metro

This collection is getting out of control fast, and with at least 21 races next year my rate of T-shirt acquisition is going to accelerate to an alarming level. When I admire the designs of the better shirts, however, the burden of being the caretaker of the LeMons T-Shirt Museum seems totally worthwhile. Let's check 'em out, starting off with the fine shirt created by BMW 2002-driving Team JDL. Note: when a shirt includes designs on front and back, I've included photographs of both sides.

Update: Team Jewish Defense League BMW has shirts for sale on Zazzle!

When we fly to a distant state to keep the unruly racers in line, the first thing we ask ourselves is "What do they hate most in these parts?" Then we try to tailor some punishments that jab miscreants where it hurts, as part of our safety-enhancing LeMons Aversion Therapy Program. What do Houston racers hate the most? That's right- gun-confiscatin', gay-marryin', tax-raisin', socialized-medicine-supportin', union-lovin', EPA-fundin' commies! You Texas LeMons racers who got hosed by these extremely cruel punishments can thank your fellow racers who spent the six months prior to the race emailing endless right-wing screeds to members of the LeMons Supreme Court for providing the inspiration for this stuff; you know who you are!

We started off with the Community Organizer penalty, in which we hand a stencil with the ACORN logo to the miscreants' team, who must then organize the community! That means they need to get five other teams to spray the logo on their car and sign off with their names and car number. Oh, they hated this one- it was like branding their very flesh with the symbol of everything they stand against.

Much as the Community Organizer drove them nuts, they hated the ¡VENCEREMOS! penalty even more. We handed the miscreant a stencil with the image of Che Guevara and ordered him or her to put Che's iconic visage on every surface of the vehicle. A little explaining to do once the rest of the team sees that! We saved the ¡VENCEREMOS! for Mustang teams, as it seemed most appropriate for them.

The Che-emblazoned cars looked really cool on the track. Well, we thought so.

Speaking of revolutionaries, I neglected to show you the cover of the Little Red Books we used for the Cultural Revolution penalty. The Great Helmsman was most appreciative.

We really went to town with the flag penalties this time; the Taiwanese National Anthem penalty was so much fun that we made more PVC flagpoles and bought more cheap flags. What flags do we fly on our cars in Socialist California? Why, Massachusetts, USSR, and UN flags, of course!

Of those three choices, the Texans seemed to hate the Massachusetts flag the most; we thought of using a California flag, but Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and George S. Patton all came from California and thus our own state flag wasn't socialist enough.

Once again, we focused on the Mustangs for the most commie-inspired of our penalties.

We planned to have miscreants fill out United Nations Tax Form 666 (which takes all the money the feds don't grab), but we never got around to creating the form. Next time, Texans!

We also had some non-Texas-specific penalties, such as the LeMons Poster Puzzle. No team was able to finish the puzzle, due to the large areas of featureless red space in the image.

The LeMons Trivia Contest was a lot of fun; we had a list of 20 LeMons trivia questions (e.g., "What kind of car won the first-ever 24 Hours Of LeMons race in 2006?"), and the miscreant had to get five correct before being allowed to return to the race. We'll be using this one again at Thunderhill, since it's such an audience-pleaser.

The Crappy Driver Penalty got a lot of attention from the onlookers; the miscreant had to sit on a wheeled toilet and be pushed around the paddock by his teammates.

Assistant Judge Mason led the Crappy Drivers on their travels in his custom-built MG roadster. That thing sure beats the hell out of a Big Wheel!

Chief Perp Jay Lamm thought up the LeMons Haiku, in which the miscreant must compose a haiku about his or her crime, then paint it on the car using a brush. We'll need to get some paint that sticks to oil-coated surfaces next time, because most LeMons cars sweat oil from every surface. How about this haiku, painted on the engine cover of an MR2?
Car loops many times
Driver error always why?
We are dumbasses.

Long-time LeMons fans are familiar with the West Virginia Homesteader Penalty, in which the miscreant's team must put the race car up on jackstands, remove the wheels, set up folding chairs in front, and eat salty snacks. Because everything is bigger in Texas, we decided to establish an entire West Virginia trailer park, with a total of eight cars and nearly 100 salty-snack-eating team members. Instant party! Even the contending teams who were grinding their teeth over lost positions in the standings had to admit this one was fun.

We put a new twist on the Preach To The Converted penalty for this race; instead of being forced to read Tom Cotter's ode to a barn-find Pinto, the miscreant had to read my novel to the audience. Fun for everyone!

Datsun Z-driving LeMons Legend Troy already has a personalized penalty, but we thought we'd get him to help us punish other drivers, even when his team has committed no crime (such is the price of being a legend). The Talk To The Troy penalty, which evolved from Justice Lieberman's Talk To The Wall penalty (in which the miscreant must face a wall and explain why he didn't deserve his black flag), goes like this: the miscreant gets duct-taped to Troy and must discuss the pros and cons of various Nissan cylinder heads and/or distributors for 15 minutes. Lack of passionate opinions on the subject matter results in additional time added to the penalty. Thanks, Troy!

Since our next race will be in California, behind the Socialist Iron Curtain, we'll need to devise some fiendish right-wing-themed penalties for miscreants that fall into our clutches. Perhaps we'll stuff them into the Conservative Talk Radio Echo Chamber (a refrigerator box equipped with multiple radios tuned to different conservative talk-radio shows), or make them recite Spiro Agnew's "Nattering Nabobs Of Negativism" speech through a bullhorn. Our advice? Drive clean!

Part 1	Part 2	Part 3
Part 4	Part 5	Part 6
Part 7	Part 8	Part 9

Not enough Über-ness for your needs? Check out the Buttonwillow Histrionics LeMons Über Gallery, New England LeMons '09 Über Gallery, the Laissez Les Crapheaps Roulez LeMons Über Gallery, Goin' For Broken LeMons Über Gallery, the LeMons South Spring '09 Über Gallery, the Gator-O-Rama LeMons '09 Über Gallery, the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza LeMons '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Yeehaw It's Texas '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Detroit-ish '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons New England '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons South '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons San Francisco '08 Über Gallery, the LeMons Arse Freeze-A-Palooza '07 Über Gallery, and the LeMons San Francisco '07 Über Gallery.

Ah, the Arse Freeze! Who could forget the incredible end-over-end Datsun B210 flip at the 2007 race? Or the upside-down '66 Plymouth Belvedere at last year's race? This year's race takes place a month earlier than its predecessors, so perhaps we'll get pleasant, sunny weather instead of the customary freezing winds and stinging horizontal rain.

Not only do we get to see how the most complicated motor vehicle that $245 will buy performs on a race track, the freaks at Evil Genius Racing have converted it into a 928 Shooting Brake! Here's a photo shot at a track day on Thursday, showing the rear body structure; by race day it will be covered with sheet metal.

The 928SB did pretty well on its first visit to a race track. Well, it did puke all its transmission fluid on the track after 4.3 laps (precisely the number predicted by LeMons Supreme Court Justice Lieberman) and the chopped springs turned out to be a bad idea, but after some tinkering it managed to run a very impressive 2:14 lap time... with a certain Über Spec Miata God behind the wheel. Go here for some in-car video.

Then we've got the F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team and their Renault Alliance. Words cannot adequately describe how much everyone at LeMons HQ has yearned for a Renault in a LeMons race, and now it's really going to happen! The brilliant theme speaks for itself, and the team captain happens to be Phil Frank, CCO of a company known for slightly pricier vehicles (Mr. Frank wants us to know that his employer is neither funding or condoning the team's efforts, but we suspect that stance will change if the Alliance takes the win). Will this Car Of The Year-winning Franco-Kenosha machine be able to withstand the overpowering EMP shock waves emanating from the Porsche's absurdly complicated electrical system? But wait, there's more!

You know what endurance road racing has been missing all these years? Jeep Cherokees duking it out with RX-7s and E30s! Some people- bad people- will try to tell you that a Cherokee doesn't belong on a demanding track such as Thunderhill, but Petty Cash Racing disagrees. Will the Cherokee be able to use that AMC inline six power to beat its natural rival, the Mysteries Inc Voyager Turbo minivan?

How about a Daihatsu Charade endurance racer? Yes, my neighbors with the '69 Morris Traveller have formed Team Dai Hard, and they'll be relying on that legendary Daihatsu racing heritage to carry them to victory.

We'll also have a Malaise Era Datsun 200SX, an air-cooled Beetle, a Mitsubishi Starion, Ford Capri, a '97 Nissan Maxima, and an alleged '95 Mercedes-Benz S Class. Not enough for you? The spectacle of the Magna V65-powered Honda Z600 taking on the Arse Freeze-winning Geo Metro Gnome (now upgraded with rear-wheel drive and a Honda CBR1000RR engine) ought to be worth the price of admission alone. In order to fit all 160 cars, the race will be using the full course at Thunderhill this time. That's right, you heard me right- the entire course, with all its hills and challenging turns! It'll be utter madness! So, here's the official team list as of a few days ago; last-second changes always happen, so be ready for surprises:

Unsafe at Any Speed, 1965 Chevrolet Corvair
Faster Farms II: Non Rotisserie Chickens, 1966 Plymouth Belvedere
Size Does Matter, 1967 Plymouth Fury III
Purple Lemon Racing, 1969 Volkswagen Beetle
Ecurie Ecrappe Autodenta, 1971 Alfa Romeo Spider
Angry Hamster Racing, 1971 Honda Z600
Family Truckster, 1972 Ford Pinto Wagon
The Big EASY, 1973 Porsche 914
Starsky and the Bandit, 1974 Ford Capri
Team California Mille #2, 1976 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Autobahn Society Racing, 1976 BMW 2002
Team Hurling Moss, 1976 BMW 2002
Frak This Racing/ Lime Tigers, 1976 Datsun 280Z
Wedginator iii, 1976 Triumph TR7
Skid Row Racing, 1977 Chevrolet Camaro
Motoring J Style, 1977 Datsun
Killer Bees, 1977 MG MGB
Blood Drive/Arcane Racing, 1978 BMW 530i
Team California Mille, 1979 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GT
Squadra Volante, 1979 Alfa Romeo Alfetta GTV
Rooster Juice Racing, 1979 Porsche 924
Italian Stallions aka "The Fiat", 1980 Fiat X1/9
Pearl Harbor Racing, 1981 Datsun 200sx
Unknown Fluids, 1982 BMW 633CSi
Hit & Run, 1983 BMW 320i
The Sharks, 1983 BMW 528e
Group of Foolz, 1983 BMW 533i
team power, 1983 BMW 633csi
Rice Rocket Racing (the sequel) or RQubed, 1983 Datsun Nissan 280ZX
LOOSE NUTS CALIFORNIA, 1983 Mazda RX7
Leftover Parts Racing, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Punk Racing, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Rockin Rollers, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Team Barbie, 1983 Mazda RX-7
Junk Yard Kats, 1983 Nissan 280 ZX Turbo
The Black Flags, 1983 Toyota Celica Supra
Bunny With A Pancake On Its Head, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit
Chim Chim Racing, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit
Team InternationOLVO (aka Damn Foreigners), 1983 Volvo 240 Turbo
Team Cant Am, 1983 Volvo 242T
TSP - Drivers In Training, 1984 Honda Civic
Team Ken, 1984 Mazda Rx7
A+ Trailor Trash, 1984 Mazda RX-7
Hit & Run II, 1984 Mitsubishi Starion
Members Only, 1984 Porsche 928
Fish out of Water, 1984 Porsche 944
F-ING Renault Fromage1 Racing Team, 1984 Renault Alliance
ZZ Uber Das Driver: Uncle Uber is Back!, 1984 Volkswagen GTI
Mustard Yellow Volvo Doing 45 in the Fast Lane, 1984 Volvo 244
Bernal Dads Racing, 1984 Volvo 245
Bavarian Beer Wagon, 1985 BMW 325e
Wienerschmoker II: Electric Boogaloo, 1985 BMW 325e
Huey Newis and the Lose, 1985 Ford Mustang
Carpet Pissers, 1985 Honda CRX
Mazdarachis, 1985 Mazda RX7
Stars & Stripes Racing, 1985 Mazda RX-7
Sin City SCAR Wars, 1985 Pontiac Fiero
Snowspeeder Pilots Association, 1985 Toyota MR2
B-Team, 1986 BMW 325e
Formula BMW, 1986 BMW 325E
Barbarian Motorworks, 1986 BMW 325es
Faulknor Auto Racing Team (FART), 1986 BMW 535i
Festiva Royale, 1986 Ford Kia Festiva Pride
XDOG's, 1986 Honda CRX
LITTLE WOODY, 1986 Honda CRX Si
1320 Turners, 1986 Nissan 300ZX
Clunkers Refuge Racing, 1986 Nissan 300ZX
Project FATE, 1986 Nissan 300zx
Planet Hell Racing, 1986 Porsche 944
The Faustest Team, 1986 BMW 325
Red Rocket Racing, 1986 Toyota Celica GT
Knights of the round track, 1986 Toyota MR2
Nerd Herd, 1986 Toyota MR2
The Flakes, 1986 Volvo 244
Driving For Donations!, 1987 Acura Legend Coupe
Absolute Lemon Motorsports, 1987 BMW 325
E=MC HAMMERED, 1987 BMW 325e
Flamin' Rods, 1987 BMW 325is
Caffeine Unlimited, 1987 BMW E30
Tercelators' Totally Bitchen Camaro, 1987 Chevrolet Camaro
ONSET/TWTM2, 1987 Chevrolet Cavalier Wagon
Rockerz in Dockerz, 1987 Ford Mustang
Uber Vogel: Hans-Am, 1987 Mercedes 190E
Old Fast Auto Race Team and Sons, 1987 Porsche 924S
Mark's Wife Won't Let Him Drive, 1987 Porsche 944
The Cannonball Bandits, 1987 Toyota Corolla FX-16
Lil Smokey and the Bandit Racing, 1987 Toyota MR2
LowerGearEpisode2, 1988 BMW 325
A Lemon Entry, 1988 Ford Escort
Magnum P.O.S., 1988 Honda CRX
Cajun Coonasses dba Speed Racer, 1988 Honda Prelude
Hatfieldís and McCoy's, 1988 Nissan 300zx
The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys, 1988 Peugeot 505 Turbo S
Dudes of Hazard, 1988 Toyota Celica
Free Range Racing, 1988 Toyota MR2
Yushin Maru Racing, 1988 Toyota Supra
Rubber Chicken Piccata Racing, 1988 Volvo GLE740
I Wanna Roc, 1989 Chevrolet Camaro
Team Dai Hard, 1989 Daihatsu Charade CLS
Clueless Party Vikings Vintage Racers, 1989 Ford Mustang
THUNDER RACERS, 1989 Ford Mustang
An Inconvenient Car, 1989 Ford Taurus SHO
Deepest Valley Racing, 1989 GMC Caprice
HomeTown Buffet / WOO WOOO!, 1989 Isuzu I-Mark RS
Team Petty Cash, 1989 Jeep Cherokee
Mysteries Inc. Racing, 1989 Plymouth Voyager Turbo
Team Red Beer, 1989 Toyota Camry
4 R's (aka 501k), 1989 Volkswagen Jetta
Runs like a Raped Ape, 1990 Acura Integra
Automatica, 1990 BMW 325i
Pandamonium Racing, 1990 BMW 325i
Team Pyrite, 1990 Eagle Talon
Guud Humor Racing, 1990 Ford Ranger Extended Cab
Las Vegas Magic, 1990 Honda CRX
LEMON DEMOLITION, 1990 honda CRX
Fast Times @ Placer High, 1990 Mazda Miata
San Jose Scalawags, 1990 Mazda Mx 5
Heisenberg Racing, 1991 BMW 318
POS Delivery, 1991 BMW 325i
Redneck Racing Team(RRT), 1991 Cadillac Eldorado
Blanco Basura Racing, 1991 Honda Prelude
NYPD ITB, 1991 Mazda 323
Zoom-Zoom... BOOM, 1991 Mazda 323
FartRari Racing, 1991 Mazda Miata
The channel 4 news team, 1991 Nissan 240sx
1UP Mother Cluckers - Well Connected Nissan Freaks, 1991 Nissan Sentra
Lipstick on a Pig, 1991 Nissan Sentra
Kamikaze Ninjas with Lasers, 1991 Nissan Sentra SE-R
Gift With Purchase, 1992 BMW 325is
Carpocalypse NOW!, 1992 Eagle Talon TSI AWD
Geo Metro-Gnome 2.0, 1992 Geo Metro
Death Race 2000: Frankenstein's REVENGE!, 1992 Mazda MX-6
Chicken Licken -Reburned, 1992 Nissan Stanza
REDNECK RACERS, 1993 Acura Integra
Beaver Domination, 1993 Honda Civic
Socialist Dogsledders, 1993 Honda Civic Type
Eyesore Racing, 1993 Mazda Miata
Badagascar, 1994 Acura Integra
Dust n Debris, 1994 Dodge Shadow
Bachelor Boys & The Lost One, 1994 Honda Civic
Magnum pig, 1994 Toyota Celica
Audi in Wonderland, 1995 Audi 90
Team King Crab, 1995 BMW 325i
PIT CREW REVENGE, 1995 Honda Civic
Diplomatic Immunity, 1995 Mercedes S Class
Los Cerdos Voladores, 1995 Plymouth Neon
$14 The Hard Way, 1995 Volkswagen Golf GL
Gimp Pimp, 1996 Cadillac STS
reversed darwinism II: brute force and ignorance, 1997 Ford Crown Victoria
U.S. BureauCRAP, 1997 Nissan Maxima
Frozen Assets, 1997 Plymouth Neon
sierra auto recycling, 2000 Ford Crown Victoria
Save The Whale, 2000 Ford Crown Victoria
Filthy Faux Ford GT40, 2001 Ford Escort ZX2
Team Lightning McQueen, 2004 Pontiac Sunfire
DC&H Taxi Co
Team Apathy: Blown Seal Racing
Snobs on the Dole
Team Red Bear

Yes, she is. In addition to the three LeMons races under her belt, she has run a best quarter-mile of 11.01 seconds at 123.36 MPH in her MkIV Supra.

We met Anna for the first time about a year ago, at the BS Inspection of the very first Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons.

Her team was running a third-gen Camaro in that race, and they finished a very close second place- by far the best performance for a Camaro in LeMons history. Did the Camaro sneak some super-cheaty suspension mods past the LeMons Supreme Court due to Anna's distracting influence, or was it just a combination of driving skill and luck? Naturally, I'm inclined to the latter opinion but, it is pretty tough to concentrate when she's in Mess With The Judges mode; this is a very smart woman who clearly knows exactly how to get men to do as she says.

Hell, maybe we should make her a judge for the next Texas LeMons race. Let's see those slick Texan cheaters try to lie to the Bikini Racer!
Thanks to Anna for the photos!

[Bikini Racer]

I'd been invited to a blowout Halloween party by The Sharks (aka Very Important Peasants), veterans of several LeMons races in their Ghettocharged™ BMW E28. It sounded like as good a reason as any to drive 400 miles, so off I went down Interstate 5.

Naturally, the LeMons Supreme Court came in full judicial regalia, as captured by the photo booth set up by the Sharks. That's us displaying the Fists Of Judicial Anger™, which racers around the country have come to fear.

The party was still going on come sunrise, but I'd brought my camping gear and pitched a tent in the back yard. It was kind of cool seeing the Hollywood sign through the trees when I finally crawled out of my sleeping bag.

On the way back, I stopped by Mad_Science's place to check out the progress on his team's Arse Freeze-a-Palooza-bound BMW 633CSi. The car suffered from guibo maladies and a nasty wreck with an MR2 at the Buttonwillow Histrionics, but it will be back in action at Thunderhill, faster than ever and ready to knock you on your ass with one of the greatest themes in LeMons history.

OK, here's the timelapse. I had the camera set to shoot a photo every 15 seconds; you get the trip from Alameda to the Peasants' front door, then the return trip yesterday: Casa de Mad Science to Buttonwillow.

I first heard from the machine-shop-owning, Mazda GTX-rallying, Human-Powered Land Speed Record-challenging engineer uber-freaks when they offered to take some of the useless-to-me extra parts that came with my 20R Sprite Hell Project. So, I headed on over to their East Bay shop with a Mazda RX-2 rear and some matching steel rims in the Civic.

The first thing I noticed was the aluminum five-man tandem bike on the wall, built while this team's head madman was studying engineering at a California university that will probably sue us if we mention its name in context with this "race car."

I must admit: for a completely stupid idea, this one is very, very nicely executed. The engine will go where the passenger once sat, with a machined-from-scratch gearbox to reverse the direction of rotation and send power to the driveshaft. Hell yes, it's going to be rear-wheel drive! This thing is going to be a total nightmare something of a handful on the track, what with all that power in such a short wheelbase, but there's no doubt that it will be quick... when it's not spinning out.

The Z600's front suspension was a little too fragile for racing duty (and let's not even get started on the stamped-steel brake calipers), so a Mazda RX-7 parts car donated its front subframe. Hey, what's a little narrowing and welding and endless fabrication? No problem!

With three weeks to, there's a terrifying amount of work left to do. The engine runs fine on a test bench, but the mounts, driveshaft, wiring, and a million other details need to be worked out. The good news is that the car is sitting in a fabulously equipped machine shop full of dudes who can just start whittling metal if they need a special part. 500 bucks worth of parts, 100 grand worth of labor: LeMons-approved! Meanwhile, the Metro Gnomes aren't standing still; they've switched to a bigger engine and rear-wheel-drive. They want you to know that they're totally legit, too! I tell you what, I'm counting the days until this matchup appears on the track. So when do we get to see a motorcycle-engined Subaru 360, eh?

An endurance race doesn't really need a pace car, but we've found it helps to keep the hoons under control as they circulate for transponder testing prior to the green flag a-droppin'. This ex-Louisville transit bus (complete with CHURCHILL DOWNS in the destination sign) hauled the members of the Tetanus Neon to the track, and the team was kind enough to let us borrow it for Pace Bus duty.

Naturally, everyone wanted to ride in it, and that made for some interesting handling on the tighter turns. The driver- wearing a helmet, as required by track regs- took to calling out "LEAN RIGHT!" or "LEAN LEFT" as he approached turns at much higher speeds than TARC drivers ever contemplated (we hope), and the passengers would all dash to the appropriate side of the bus and hang on for dear life.
Thanks to MSR corner-worker Wayne Hill for the top photo!

We had our first-ever British Leyland Index Of Effluency winner (the Mr. Bean 1962 Austin Mini was built prior to the British Leyland era) and the newest entry in LeMons history (2005). It was one of the cleanest races yet, at least in terms of cars bashing into each other, though we did have one of the highest black-flag totals in LeMons history; not quite up to Thunderhill or Buttonwillow levels, but close. We saw three different air-cooled Volkswagens (two of which were kaput fairly early), a Fiat Brava, and the usual Texas-style hordes of Mustangs, BMW E30s, and Nissan Zs.

Thanks to Nick Pon aka TheEastBayKid and RoadRunner for photographic help. Additional thanks to Team Tetanus Neon for letting me bolt the BumperCam to their car's C pillar.

Not enough LeMons action for you? Check out the top lemons of past races: Altamont '07 • Arse Freeze '07 • Altamont '08 • Ohio '08 • New England '08 • South '08 • Texas '08 • Arse Freeze '08 • Texas Spring '09 • South Spring '09 • Reno '09 • New Orleans '09 • New England '09 • Buttonwillow '09 • South Fall '09 • Ohio '09

1. Race Hard Race Ugly Soot, BMW 325iS
Overall Winner
Best Lap: 2:01.289

2. GT $500 Racing, Toyota Celica
Winner, Class Good
BS Penalty laps: 2
Best Lap: 2:05.539

3. Speed Racer, Y'all, Saturn SC2
Winner, Class Bad
Winner, Least Horrible Yank Tank Award
Best Lap: 2:05.731

4. Johansson Brothers- Flying Monkey Racing, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:09.378

5. Race Hard Race Uglier HDGB.com, BMW 325iS
Best Lap: 2:03.139

6. Team JB Weld, Pontiac Grand Prix
Best Lap: 2:01.699

7. WARTHOG RACING, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:04.248

8. Guano By Desmodus Rufus Dump #2, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:06.963

9. Sheila and the Sheiks, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:05.590

10. Swine Flew Raycing, Infiniti J30
Best Lap: 2:09.733

11. Prancing Donkey, Acura Integra
Quickest lap of race
Best Lap: 1:57.750

12. Schrödinger's Crapbox, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:07.175

13. Team Blue Goose 2, Volkswagen Rabbit
Best Lap: 2:04.062

14. FUBAR Racing, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:05.099

15. Unintended Acceleration- Audi, Audi 90 Quattro
Best Lap: 2:06.188

16. Live Oak Nudist Resort II, BMW 320i
Winner, Highest Placing 70s Contender award
Best Lap: 2:12.873

17. Rolling Chicane Racing, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:09.465

18. Team Flying Wrench, Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:11.148

19. Rum Runners, Chevrolet Malibu
Winner, Grassroots Motorsports Most From The Least Award
Best Lap: 2:17.768

20. Polizei und Banditen, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 30
Best Lap: 2:04.301

21. Team Festivus, Ford Festiva
Best Lap: 2:17.368

22. Los Cucaroches, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 1:59.981

23. Piranha Racing, BMW 325e
Winner, Best Pit Party Animals award
Best Lap: 2:12.916

24. Inglorious Bastards Racing, Datsun 240Z
Best Lap: 2:05.333

25. Red Rocket Ratnest Revival, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:00.788

26. Property Devaluation Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.995

27. Normal Y Ass Parade D, Toyota Paseo
Best Lap: 2:09.792

28. Apex Vinyl Driving then Drinking, Isuzu Impulse
Best Lap: 2:10.976

29. Junk Punch Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:18.873

30. I GOTTA P, Honda Prelude
Best Lap: 2:13.692

31. Tetanus Neon, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:08.354

32. Team Screwdriver, Nissan Sentra
Best Lap: 2:16.439

33. Dirty Some Beaches, Honda Civic Wag-O-Van
Best Lap: 2:13.974

34. Rust Pirate Racing, Chevrolet Camaro
Winner, Class Ugly
Best Lap: 2:09.471

35. Team Israel, Opel GT
Best Lap: 2:03.594

36. BikiniRacer.com's Men Of LeMons, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:08.879

37. Ritual Killing Motorsports, Nissan 200SX
Best Lap: 2:14.425

38. Speed Racer & The Racing Rednex, Ford Mustang
Winner, Dangerous Homemade Technology award
Best Lap: 2:12.208

39. 800-2B-Petty
Best Lap: 2:09.459

40. Team Mazdarati, Mazda Protege
Best Lap: 2:15.833

41. TSOL- Totally SHIT OUTTA LUCK, Saab 9000
Winner, Über-Recidivist award
Best Lap: 2:09.775

42. Team Sour Puss, Acura Integra
Best Lap: 2:08.299

43. Team Iron Butt Racing, Toyota Supra
BS Penalty laps: 5
Best Lap: 2:06.224

44. Kung Fu and the Fu King Racers, Toyota Paseo
Best Lap: 2:10.359

45. Secret Society of Skanks and Bitches, BMW 5 Series
Best Lap: 2:14.647

46. Black Knight Racing: It's Just a Flesh Wound, Triumph TR7
Winner, Index Of Effluency
Best Lap: 2:08.014

47. Longhorn Raceworks, Toyota Celica
Best Lap: 2:04.664

48. Dogged Racing, Ford Probe
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:06.479

49. TnT Racing, Volkswagen Golf
Best Lap: 2:03.506

50. Revolutionary Racing, BMW E36
BS Penalty laps: 48
Best Lap: 2:05.414

51. Lost In The Dark, Mazda Miata
Best Lap: 2:07.855

52. MJ-HAGBROS
Best Lap: 2:06.908

53. State Pooper, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.402

54. Never Give Up, BMW 1602
Best Lap: 2:05.721

55. Starsky and Hooch, Nissan Sentra SE-R
Best Lap: 2:05.936

56. Brass Burro Racing, Ford Mustang II
Best Lap: 2:05.161

57. Cupcake Racing, Ford Thunderbird
Best Lap: 2:16.851

58. Prison Break Racing, BMW 325e
Best Lap: 2:23.060

59. The UNDERGROUND, Nissan 300ZX Turbo
Best Lap: 2:05.335

60. Guild Of Calamitous Intent, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:08.561

61. Team Miagra, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 50
Best Lap: 2:06.547

62. LBB Racing Presents: Magnum P.O.S., Nissan 240SX
Best Lap: 2:12.451

63. Airwolf Neon, Dodge Neon
Best Lap: 2:04.791

64. Broner Motorsports, Ford Probe
Best Lap: 2:17.897

65. Academics Drives Dreams, Geo Prizm
Best Lap: 2:10.136

66. Ghetto Motorsports, Mazda RX-7
Best Lap: 2:02.681

67. El Toro Loco, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:04.013

68. RustBucketRacers, Chevrolet Cavalier
Best Lap: 2:17.530

69. Hondookie, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:10.924

70. Team NAFTA, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:11.698

71. Stick Pony Racing, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:07.586

72. Mostly Harmless Racing, Volkswagen Karmann Ghia
Winner, Organizer's Choice
Best Lap: 2:19.192

73. NSF Racing, Honda CRX
Best Lap: 2:27.955

74. TDH Old School, Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:10.388

75. Jewish Defense League BMW, BMW 2002
Best Lap: 2:17.391

76. Team Heffer-Weizen, Volkswagen Scirocco
Best Lap: 2:16.513

77. Team Sensory Assault, Mazda RX-7
Winner, Judges' Choice award
Best Lap: 2:06.731

78. Fat Bastard Racing, Datsun 260Z
Best Lap: 2:15.862

79. HAR-HAR Racing, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.361

80. Kentucky Fried Racing, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:19.524

81. Poage Ma Thoin Racing, Fiat Brava
Winner, "What's This? Do I Need One?" award (rear-view mirror)
Best Lap: 2:23.435

82. TiredBird Racing, Pontiac Firebird
Best Lap: 2:05.019

83. The SCHWING Team, Toyota Corolla FX16
Best Lap: 2:06.678

84. They Ain't Right Racing, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.920

85. Nickels Or Nothing, Toyota 240Z
Best Lap: 2:05.255

86. Gideons Gone Wild (GGW) Racing, BMW 318i
BS Penalty laps: 47
Best Lap: 2:04.900

87. Hoosier Daddy, Mitsubishi Galant
BS Penalty laps: 20
Best Lap: 2:13.636

88. Advance Team, Honda Civic
Best Lap: 2:11.316

89. Pucker Factor Racing, Nissan Sentra SE-R
BS Penalty laps: 25
Best Lap: 2:06.220

90. Out Of Town Racing, BMW 325eS
Best Lap: 2:03.458

91. Live Oak Nudist Resort Inc, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:00.816

92. Shake and Bake (Dennit Racing), Ford Mustang
Best Lap: 2:04.982

93. Organic Z, Datsun 280ZX
Best Lap: 2:05.620

94. Property Devaluation Racing II
Winner, I Got Screwed award
Best Lap: 2:05.611

95. Team ROADKILL, Volkswagen Fastback
Best Lap: 2:19.408

96. Little Buckaroo, Volkswagen Beetle
Best Lap: 2:31.247

97. Team Zip Tie, Ford Taurus SHO
Best Lap: 2:02.922

98. FROGMASTERS, MGB-GT
Best Lap: 2:09.586

99. WT Motorsports, BMW 535i
Best Lap: 2:30.431

100. Team Kachow, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:04.807

101. Weezer Racing, Ford Escort
Best Lap: 2:13.214

102. The Bastardos de LeMons, Lincoln Mark VIII
Best Lap: 2:07.603

103. Team Blue Goose I
Best Lap: 2:03.904

104. Turd Burglars, Toyota MR2
Best Lap: 2:07.219

105. Team Supraleggara, Toyota Supra
Best Lap: 2:16.111

106. Team RSC, Eagle Talon
Best Lap: 2:31.034

107. Ludicrous Speed!, Volkswagen Jetta
BS Penalty laps: 80
Best Lap: 2:10.349

108. Der Hoff, BMW 325
Best Lap: 2:18.767

109. SnafuRacing's Fancy Lawnmower, Plymouth Neon
Best Lap: 2:13.991

110. Alamo City Rollers, BMW 325e
BS Penalty laps: 17
Best Lap: 2:16.556

111. Shrimp Boots, BMW 325i
Winner, Best Pit Party Animals award
Best Lap: 2:21.434

112. Substandard Racing, AMC Gremlin
Best Lap: 3:13.321

113. Tobacco Advocacy Racing Program, Toyota MR2
Winner, Heroic Fix
Best Lap: 2:36.643

114. MustangIInicorn, Ford Mustang Cobra II
Best Lap: 2:28.977

115. Red or Green, Mitsubishi Eclipse
Best Lap: 2:23.094

116. The Whip-Its, Nissan 280ZX
Best Lap: 3:01.645

117. Team Clunker (Stimulus wuz denied), Nissan 300ZX
Best Lap: 2:56.444

118. Apex Vinyl TX Racing, Toyota Hilux
Best Lap: NA (didn't finish first lap)

119. Bayou Degradable, Ford Pinto
Best Lap: NA (didn't finish first lap)

120. Hooters Dirty South Racing Team, BMW 535i
BS Penalty laps: 169
Best Lap: 2:05.310

121. Unintended Acceleration- Miata, Mazda Miata
BS Penalty laps: 500
Best Lap: 2:08.998

122. Union Jack Racing, Mini Cooper S
BS Penalty laps: 1066
Best Lap: 2:09.793

123. Flying Hyoondai, Merkur XR4Ti
BS Penalty laps: 2000
Best Lap: 2:07.082

Though the likelihood of this contraption making it through tech inspection at the upcoming Thunderhill race is infinitesimally small, you have to admire the ingenious dumbulence of this thing. It's hard to imagine razor sharp spinning blades leading to anything good when mounted to a $500 race car. It probably creates more drag than it overcomes with power, and it's a clattering madness-maker but wow, talk about cool. [24 Hours Of Lemons Forums]

That's right, a British Leyland product has won the coveted IOE! This 1978 Triumph TR7 just kept going around and around and around, received only one black flag all weekend, and suffered from just two major mechanical problems. 46th place, a really cool trophy, and a cool thousand bucks in nickels. Congratulations, Black Knight Racing!

Great moments include German Chocolate Cakeballs at the concession stand, someone in a Neon getting rear-ended by the judges' cart after nearly backing over a man carrying a gas tank (his bracelet was pulled, no more racing for him), and an abundance of barbecue sauce and classic rides. There are heroic motor swaps after all-night drives across the state to get a replacement. We learned one of the Probe teams has a surprisingly talented painter/driver doing a more-than-passable Bob Ross on the hood of his penalized vehicle.

We heard this yelled at an unwitting, or perhaps just witless, crewman: "When was the last time we swapped a wheel. God, check your work." We're sure God is paying close attention to his work here, at MSR, noting some of the defects in his creations.

Enjoy all this, and more, in the gallery.