Inspired (and horrified) by Deadspin’s cringeworthy lists of rectum and penis injuries, I wondered if the list of automotive-related hospital visits was just as strange. It is! Here are all of the injuries caused by automotive products that sent folks to the hospital last year.

Naturally, we omitted reports of children getting hurt by licking antifreeze and such because that’s more tragic than anything. We’re more interested in what happened to people who should know better, so we limited our search to those of driving age.

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All of these descriptions come from the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. “PT” is shorthand for “patient,” and man, “patient” gets in a lot of trouble. We’ve expanded some of the medical abbreviations to make this easier to read as well.

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Be careful out there, and don’t do these:

  • HELD TRAILER LOADING RAMP IN PLACE WITH FOOT WHILE OTHERS LOADED MUD TRUCK. FOOT RUN OVER BY TIRE.
  • WORKING ON HIS TRUCK, TRYING TO LOOSEN BOLT, WENT FACE-FIRST INTO TRUCK
  • TIRE IRON SLIPPED AND STRUCK HIM IN THE JAW.
  • [LACERATION] TO NOSE WHILE USING A TIRE IRON TO CHANGE A TIRE.
  • HITTING FOOT WITH TIRE IRON WHILE TAKING A TIRE OFF @ HOME.
  • WAS CHANGING A BOLT ON THE CAR & THE PRY BAR HIT HIM IN THE ABDOMEN
  • HAND GOT CAUGHT FROM THE RAMP OF STRIKER
  • <0.5CM [LACERATION] TO INDEX FINGER & 3RD DIGIT FROM A BELLHOUSING MOUNT TOOLS
  • THE LUG WRENCH WAS STUCK & SHE USED HER [RIGHT] LEG TO PUSH & FELT ONSET [PAIN] TO [LOWER RIGHT QUARTER OF ABDOMEN]
  • AFTER PULLING A RAMP FELT BACK POP
  • PATIENT WAS SPRAYING HUB CAP WITH A POLISH SOLUTION THAT HAS GOT INTO EYES
  • CHANGING TIRE, TIRE IRON HIT PT IN THE KNEE @ HOME
  • STUCK A “TIRE FILE” INTO INDEX FINGER
  • CATHS HIMSELF WITH A RUBBER FUEL LINE HE GETS FROM *** HARDWARE AND THE TUBING GOT SUCKED INTO BLADDER
  • SHE DROPPED A TIRE IRON ON HER [RIGHT] FOOT
  • SLIPPED ON CAR RAMP GETTING INTO CAR & HIT HEAD ON BUMPER
  • GOT HIT BY A WHEELCHAIR RAMP FROM A VAN
  • AT HOME FIXING CAR & ONE OF PTS TOOLS SLIPPED CUT [LEFT] LATERAL EYELID
  • WAS WAXING CARS ALL DAY WITH HYDROCARBON VAPORS & DEVELOPED [SHORTNESS OF BREATH] & DIZZINESS
  • TRIPPED, HIT [LEFT] UPPER LEG ON RAMP
  • WORKING ON A CAR IT ROLLED OFF A RAMP ONTO PT CHEST
  • WHILE WALKING ON A RAMP LOST BALANCE AND FELL.
  • WAS CARRYING AUTOMOTIVE TOOLS DOWN STAIRS WHEN HE LOST BALANCE AND FELL.
  • WAS PUSHING A RIDING LAWN MOWER UP CAR RAMP WHEN IT SLIPPED OFF AND FELL ON HIS LEG.
  • WAS CHANGING TIRE, TIRE IRON SLIPPED HITTING PT IN NOSE
  • HAD AUTO CHEMICAL ON HER HANDS, RUBBED HER EYES.
  • HELPING LOAD FOUR WHEELER, FELL BETWEEN RAMPS AND HURT HER LOWER BACK.
  • TRIPPED OVER A RAMP THAT SHE HAD ON THE BACK OF TRUCK
  • TRYING TO UNLOCK CAR DOOR AND THE SLIM JIM CUT HIS FINGER.
  • USING A RACHET TOOL WHILE REPAIRING A CAR, WHEN HE TWISTED HIS WRIST
  • ACCID. SWALLOWED CAR ALUMINUM WHEEL CLEANER 1 1/2 HRS. AGO FROM WATER BOTTLE.
  • WHILE WORKING ON CAR WRENCH FELL ON NOSE
  • THUMB STRAIN-INJURED ON A TIRE IRON WHILE CHANGING A CAR TIRE
  • CHANGING THE TIRE ON HIS CAR WHEN THE TIRE IRON SLIPPED OFF THE WHEELNUT AND STRUCK LOWER LEG
  • HIT ON LEFT EYELID WITH TIRE BAR
  • WAS HOOKING UP JUMPER CABLES TO 2 CARS AND WAS STANDING BETWEEN THEM WHEN ONE CAR ROLLED INTO HER
  • OPENED SHED DOOR AND A TIRE IRON FELL ONTO FACE
  • TRIPPED OVER A CAR RAMP AND FELL HITTING HEAD
  • STRUCK BY PRY BAR WHILE CHANGING TIRE ON A CAR.
  • [LACERATED] FINGER ON OLD LICENSE PLATE
  • STRUCK BY A LOADING RAMP
  • TRIPPED [ON] CAR PARKING BLOCK IN GARAGE
  • HIT IN HEAD WITH TIRE IRON
  • TRIPPED AND FELL OVER JUMPER CABLES
  • HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A TIRE IRON
  • CHANGING TIRE HAND SLIPPED OFF PRY BAR PUNCHED GROUND
  • TRIPPED OVER A TIRE IRON AND FELL ON HER ARM IN THE GARAGE AT HOME
  • SPRAINED SHOULDER LOADING A PLOW IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK WHEN THE PLOW SLIPPED HE TRIED TO HOLD THE SNOW PLOW BACK
  • HIT HIS KNEE W/ A TIRE IRON
  • A METAL TIRE IRON FELL ON FOOT 4 DAYS AGO.
  • PT WAS ON TOP OF CAR UNLOADING LUGGAGE OUT OF LUGGAGE RACK WHEN SHE SLIPPED, FELL ONTO WINDSHIELD, [PUNCTURE WOUND] TO THIGH SUSTAINED FROM WIPER BLADE
  • BURNED WITH CHEMICALS WHILE WORKING ON TRUCK HE IS RESTORING
  • PT WAS WORKING ON HIS CAR WHEN BRAKE FLUID DRIPPED INTO HIS [RIGHT] EYE, BURNING, SCRATCHY.
  • WAS CHANGING TRANSMISSION FLUID ON VEHICLE WHEN TUBING OFF PUMP HIM HIM IN EYE & SPLASHED FLUID INTO EYE.
  • WORKING ON HIS CAR, W/CHEMICALS, LIQUID URETHANE, 30MIN, [SHORTNESS OF BREATH], CHEST
  • [RIGHT MIDDLE BACK PAIN] AFTER PUTTING TRANSMISSION FLUID IN VAN TONIGHT
  • SPLASHED IN EYE W/CARBURETOR CLEANING FLUID
  • STARTER FLUID IGNITED AND SPLASHED IN HIS EYE WHILE WORKING ON A VEHICLE
  • A *** CAN EXPLODED & GOT IN PTS EYE
  • ALLERGIC REACTION ON UPPER BACK AFTER LAYING ON BLANKET THAT WAS SOAKED WITH TRANSMISSION FLUID
  • ACCIDENTALLY SPRAYED CARBURETOR CLEANER IN EYE
  • SPRAYED LIQUID WRENCH IN EYE AND SUSTAINED A CHEMICAL BURN
  • GOT TIRE INFLATER FLUID SQUIRTED IN LEFT EYE.
  • WAS SPRAYING DEICER ON CAR AND SLIPPED.
  • GOT RADIATOR FLUID INTO EYES
  • THE PRESSURE FROM A CUT HYDRAULIC LINE CUT THE FINGER. THE LINE HAD AUTOMOTIVE CHEMICALS IN IT.
  • SPLASHED TRANSMISSION FLUID IN EYES.
  • [RIGHT] ANKLE SPRAIN WHILE CHANGING BRAKE FLUID IN CAR
  • ACCIDENTALLY DRANK LARGE GULP OF WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID
  • WAS WORKING A CAR AND RADIATOR CAP FLEW OFF AND HIT HIM IN THE FACE
  • BURNED THUMB WHILE SPRAYING ETHER INTO VEHICLES CARBURETOR
  • [COMPLAINS OF] GETTING SEALANT IN HIS EYE; SEALANT STUCK TO EYEBALL
  • SPRAYED ETHER IN THE AIRBREATHER OF A CAR AND SOMEONE STARTED THE CAR CAUSING ETHER TO CATCH FIRE AND BURN HIS FACE
  • GOT TRANSMISSION FLUID IN [RIGHT] EYE AT HOME
  • PATIENT’S CAR OVERHEATED AND PATIENT REMOVED CAP AND FLUID SPILLED ONTO [LEFT FOREARM]

Remember, folks: be careful with tire irons and ramps, watch where you’re spraying those fluids, and never try to stick a fuel line into your urethra.


Contact the author at stef.schrader@jalopnik.com.