A custom paint job is a way for you to express yourself through your car. Jalopnik readers have found ten car painters who should keep their expressions to themselves.
Welcome back to Answers of the Day — our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Now, judging paint is very subjective. There are people who hate lowriders and ‘70s custom van paint jobs. Obviously, those cars are amazing and their haters have no taste. There are those among you who despise all silly donk paint jobs and declare them a travesty, while we kind of like them.
We're also sure that the people who made the ten custom paint jobs featured on this list love their cars. Look at Uli Anliker above, with his Red Gold SLR. Look at how happy he is! Gaze into his eyes and you see the horror that he actually likes how his custom Mercedes-McLaren SLR looks. Let that soak in for a second.
Still, we think it's a travesty, as are all the cars on this list. If you think we've forgotten a particularly terrible car that you've seen, post a picture of it in Kinja below. Except no lowriders or custom vans. Those things rule.
Photo Credit: Uli Anliker
10.) Nickelback & Kiss Cavalier
Airbrushed portraits of your favorite musicians are never going to look good on the hood of any car, but Nickelback? NICKELBACK?
9.) East Bloc Primate Aztek
We're not sure exactly what corner of the former Soviet world this Pontiac represents, but when we last saw it for sale in 2007 it was going for $18,500. The seller claimed to have put $35K into the car, what with its Lambo doors and chimpanzee details.
8.) Michael Jackson GT-R
Caught at the 2011 Nismo Festival in Japan, this GT-R has the creepiest celebrity memorial mural we've seen on a car, with the King of Pop staring straight back at the car behind. It's just disturbing.
7.) Spongebob Corvette
We won't lie, we love some donk paint jobs, especially their pun-on-wheels Kandy paint jobs about Skittles, M&Ms or whatever. There is a time and a place for half-serious donk paint, and it's on twenty-foot-long American sedans sitting in the sky on giant rims.
6.) Sperm Paint Job
Not sure where to start on this one, but it's a Corolla covered in sperm. Not sure how that ever seemed like a good idea.
5.) Dragon Vette: Bronze Edition
The award for worst paint quality goes to this 2006 Corvette, which looks like it was done in nail polish. At least the painter could have taped off the headlights and the rest of the glass. I suppose if the inspiration to make your ‘Vette look like it got bronzed hits you, you don't delay.
4.) Chrome Blue Lightning Bolt Bugatti
Even worse than that fake two-tone pink Bugatti is the blue chrome Bugatti with chrome lightning bolts. If you ever needed proof that money doesn't buy taste, here you go.
3.) Spider Man RX-7
Walk around the front three quarters of this Mazda and you might think it's terrible, but go walk around to the back and you'll find its true terror. Ugh, these RX-7s are such pretty cars stock, too.
Buy it now on the Miami Craigslist for just $49,000! The seller claims 931 horsepower.
2.) Pussy Jaguar
Now, we love a good pussy joke when it comes to Jaguars, but this one takes it all too literally. This was actually the third XKE ever imported to the US. It does not deserve this kind of mistreatment, which borders on animal cruelty.
1.) Dragon Vette: Original Flavor
Meet the worst custom Corvette in the world. It's the same car that had the copper pant job, just in an earlier and significantly more horrifying incarnation. We don't know what hand or eye could frame its fearful asymmetry, and we don't want to either.