Dear Marketers, Please Stop Comparing Everything To Smartphones

Dear Marketing People at Lit Motors and marketing people everywhere,

Stop.

Right now, whatever you're doing, just stop. Let that laptop just clatter to the ground. Get your hands where I can see them. That means you, numbnuts. I need to stop you before you completely destroy what could be a pretty exciting vehicle.

See, I saw that sponsored post in The Atlantic talking about your company, and the interesting, gyroscopically-stabilized, two-weel electric enclosed motorcycle you're making. It looks like it could be something pretty cool— Benz toyed with a similar idea in the 90s with their Life-Jet, and there've been other similar ideas, but your implementation does seem promising.

But then you did the hip marketing thing and called your innovative new vehicle a "smartphone." STOP.

Okay, you called it a "rolling smart phone" which really isn't any better. Look, here's a picture from your website in case you forgot:

Dear Marketers, Please Stop Comparing Everything To Smartphones

You've got to realize that whenever someone is trying to market to "Gen Y" or whatever you're calling them, and they start comparing things to smartphones, it's the equivalent of the cool youth deacon coming to talk to a church group of kids, turning his chair backwards, and telling them he's there to "rap at you about an awesome dude named "J.C." It's awful.

I know it's hard to get the youngs to buy cars now— I've wondered about it as well. But the one thing I do know is that the last fucking thing you want to do is compare everything to smartphones. I like to think that you imagine conversations between people 18-25 sounding like this:

Gen Y 1: Smartphone, friend!

Gen Y 2: Smartphone to you, too!

(they tap their smartphones together in a gesture of goodwill)

Gen Y 1: Are you smartphoning with your smartphone today at the smartphonarium!

Gen Y 2: You sure as smartphone know I am! Smartphone and Smartphone will be there!

Gen Y 1: Smartphone? I'd sure like to smartphone them right in the smartphone!

Both (in unison): SMARTPHONE!

(they embrace, weeping openly and unashamedly.)

Plus, collective dipshits (with respect), why the fuck would you compare your fairly revolutionary electric self-balancing motorcycle to a fucking smartphone? It's like if you developed a teleporter and advertised it by saying "Teleporters! It's the dishwasher of instantaneous atom-by-atom transport!" It's just inane— you're making something so vastly cooler than a smartphone. Why are you even bringing smartphones up?

And, now that I think about it, why invite any smartphone comparison at all? If you want to compare your product to any smartphone, congratulations, you've made the worst fucking smartphone since the Spanish Inquisition. If it's a smartphone, it's a $16,000, 800 lb smartphone that can't make calls, send text messages, or play angry birds. Smartphone wise, that really, really sucks. My phone weighs like half that much.

Now, as a vehicle, you've got a machine that goes what, 200 miles on a charge, goes 0-60 in under 6 seconds, and honestly looks like a blast to drive around. So, somebody wake up your intern and have him remove all the stupid, pandering smartphone references on your site immediately. Don't scuttle your product's chances by sounding like the worst sort of marketing horseshit-spewing morons. There's plenty of other good stuff on your site about the vehicle itself, the general design's good, and it's an interesting product— but all most people are going to remember is you're calling it a "rolling smartrphone."

I'd love to drive one of these things and see what they're like, and write a real review. With absolutely zero comparisons to smartphones, pacemakers, Game Boys, or Foreman grills.

Dear Marketers, Please Stop Comparing Everything To Smartphones

If anything, you need more of these steamy robot-on-robot in-vehicle sex action pics. That shit is HOTT.

Yours in anger and hugs,

Your pal Jayjay