Unleashing The Holy Fury Of A Toyota Four Banger

If there was any justice in the world, any justice at all, nobody would buy a Toyota sedan. There are more exciting turnips than a Camry. Still, the cars are undeservedly fast.

Yes, in spite of their near-criminal levels of dullness, Toyota packs a lot of horsepower into their beigemobiles, helping to give them that "grounded to the ground" feel.

The question is, when a Toyota is so boring to drive, what inspires an owner to mash the gas in one? What really got that Floridian lady in an unnamed silver ‘Yota to hit triple digits in a 30 zone? ThePriceOfEggsInMalta has a theory.

And on the eighth day, after having himself a nice nap, God created the Toyota 2.5 liter straight-four, for he was bored, and wasn't sure what else to do with himself. "Perhaps I should turbocharge it," thought God, rubbing his hands together. But upon seeing the Camry for which the engine was destined, He lost all ambition, shrugged His mighty shoulders, and said "meh."

But Lo, jealous is the Lord our God, for he noticed that man had created great and mighty steel and aluminum idols before him; engines which made his puny little straight-four look downright silly. "This shit just ain't gonna stand," said the Lord, peering down into the mortal plane and spotting a follower in a silver Toyota, lined up at a stoplight alongside a bitchin' Camaro.

"You there! Yes, you, the stoned woman driving the Camry! You carry upon your shoulders the honor of the Lord your God! Kick the tires and light the fires: floor it, bitch! What? No, this is really me this time. Last time it was just the meth talking. Seriously, no foolies. Keep that foot down, woman! And make some me-damned noise while you're doing it, because that engine won't make much of a racket by itself."

And thusly did the crazy Floridian totally smoke the Camaro, who hadn't expected a drag race from a rolling toaster oven and didn't really feel like getting another speeding ticket anyway. And the Lord smiled.

Ah, it makes so much sense now. Only divine intervention could empower someone to put their foot to the floor in a silver Toyota.

Photo Credit: Toyota, wikipaintings