Too many racers have put themselves in embarrassing, illegal situations. Now we at Jalopnik have a twelve step program to help them save themselves and their public image.
1. We admitted we were powerless over rule changes - that our careers had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, but that power would require a restrictor plate half the time.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our corporate sponsors as we understood them. Even Best Buy, who might be bankrupt soon.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our money. Hire an accountant.
5. Explained to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of the points system in the Sprint Cup.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all defects of character. Especially from Danica Patrick. What a bitch.
7. Humbly asked our crew chief to remove our shortshifter.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to have arguments with them on pit road.
9. Made direct threats to such people wherever possible, especially when doing so would injure them or others on national television.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly deflected blame as much as possible.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our lip service to God as we understood Him, since that sort of superficial behavior endears us to a lot of our audience. Like Tebow, but less serious.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to up-and-coming drivers and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Racers, you can thank us later.
Photo Credit: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images