For $1,500, You’re In The Army Now

In his seminal work on what humans find attractive about babies and juvenile animals - A Biological Homage to Mickey Mouse (pdf) - Stephen Jay Gould implies that it's the proportion of head to body size that is key. At the other end of the spectrum, today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe custom combat caprice has cartoon-sized tires, but will its presentation and price prove to be just too mickey mouse?

With an 88% Crack Pipe loss, there was little attraction to yesterday's jet fighter wannabe 280ZX. And, while most of you weren't that impressed with its whirlybird engine, you did ROFLCOPTER for its bullet bra frontal aspect. If that car was channeling the Air Force, it's only fair that we give at least one other branch of the service their fair shake today, and hence we give you - the faux turreted and meatball tired 1988 Chevy Caprice.

There's this great scene in Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket where Gunnery Sergeant Hartman - as played by wild eyebrowed R. Lee Ermey - is touting the marksmanship of Lee Harvey Oswald and Texas Tower shooter Charles Whitman. The Sgt. Asks his platoon if anyone can guess where these two individuals learned such mad skills, to which Pvt Joker responds, "In the Marines, sir." It's comedy that's darker than the inside of a well digger's ass.

For $1,500, You’re In The Army Now

You may not have had the opportunity - or the massive cojones - to take up arms and serve your country, but you can always pretend. And this '92 Caprice will not only let you play army, but possibly Death Race 2000 as well.

Claimed by the seller to have been constructed in a friend's shop, this 81,000-mile B-body sports 33-inch tires rolling in wheel arches that have been either carved out mechanically or just abraded by the massive trailer rim-mounted meats. That aspect alone gives the car the look of a redneck donk and makes me thirsty for a 40. But when combined with its cloak of olive drab, a crazy snorkel exhaust, and bubble-top con job cannon, you'll realize this Chevy's draft card has been stamped 1-A.

Underneath the army is what is said to be a v8-powered B-body. That means the 170-bhp 305 and a THM350 200R4 autotragic filling in the ranks. Funny thing right here, there's a subset of people here who were okay with the ludicrous body mods, the speed-killer ginormous tires, and probably even the crazy tooth grille this custom car sports. But once they learn it has a slusher they're now backing away like they discovered their blind date was Octomom.

For $1,500, You’re In The Army Now

Why would anyone want this? Well, as the ad notes, it would draw a crowd. If you have a place of business - say a strip club mall or the like - this would probably drive traffic like crazy. Also, if you're just as comfortable letting your freak flag fly as you are with the stars and stripes, then the huge edition that appears to mount on the back of the turret would make you a total flag hag. And every Independence Day you'd get to be in a parade.

All of that awesomeness doesn't come for free, and the seller here is asking $1,500 to get into the tank with this Chevy. What do you think, is that price worth blowing reveille over? Or, does that have you saying as you were?

You decide!

Autotrader or go here if the ad disappears.

H/T to Beardee for the hookup!

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