Melissa Mansfield, 31, was literally caught by police with her pants down, having been spotted earlier this week by a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper moving her bowels while shielding the deed with the door of the car she'd apparently stolen.
She was just six miles away from a proper rest stop.
The police report filed by Patrol Trooper P.E. Oneyear nicely captures the uncomfortable scene that played out on April 7th when Oneyear noticed a black vehicle pulled over on the shoulder of I-95 in St. Lucie County (you can read it in full here).
"… I clearly observed a white female squatting on the passenger side of the vehicle with her pants down below her knees defecating with moderate traffic flowing she had no expectation of privacy due to the fact she did open the rear passenger door to shield herself from the view of oncoming traffic. I asked her what she was doing and she stated "I am going to the bathroom."
From there things really go down the tubes, somehow. The "very nervous" woman identified herself as Melissa Mansfield but couldn't produce a license nor explain why she had the car other than to say she borrowed it from her boyfriend.
Trooper Oneyear had the dispatcher call the car's owner in the Keys and he said he had no idea who the woman was or why she had the car. The report also mentions beer bottles in the car that were cold to the touch.
Mansfield told the officer "I'm not trying [to] go to jail tonight."
As with her impromptu squat-popping, Masnfield was not successful and was booked into jail on charges of indecent exposure, driving without a license, and felony car theft.
What a crappy day.