Lincoln monster truck-amino-limo wants to haul your assets

When I retire at 80, and take over some family land outside of Branson, I'm going to open a museum dedicated to American consumer innovation. It'll have fill-your-own Combos machines, a video tribute to Billy Mays and this Lincoln monster truck-amino limo, with nothing but Lee Greenwood on the stereo.

Currently for sale upon the bays of E, the Lincoln resides in Winona, Minn., where a limo sales company has been trying to unload it for some time. Built from the frame of an 1988 F-150 that had been put on the rack to meld with the body of a '88 Town Car limo, the Linconsaurus had its metal top replaced by a canvas unit and "working limo amenities," like a lit holder for cut-glass decanters and what looks like the best sound system O'Reilly's keeps in stock.

The choice of a velour seating area may make some buyers think passengers shouldn't wear anything less revealing than a Level B hazmat suit, but the sellers maintain cloth was the only choice for all-season operation, as there's a heater back there for riding home after prom with your cousins. Sure there's a little surface rust, but there's enough shiny diamond plate to distract any wandering eye.

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While the bidding on eBay has been paltry, the motivated buyer can order direct for just $15,500. From the lakes of Minnesota, to the Hooters in Tennessee, across the hot tubs of Texas, from sea to shining hep-C, God bless the U.S.A.