Before it turned into a morass of talking heads and inchoate giggling Italians, American public radio stood for education and enlightenment. Its pillar: "Ask Dr. Science," a brief program featuring Dr. Science, who has a master's degree...in science. Every day, Dr. Science would answer different questions with pure creamy logic. Much like LarsVargas answered the question "Why do people buy fuel-saver scams?"

You are all a bunch of haters. You probably work for Big Oil and want to suppress miraculous technologies like the one shown. How can any company with a NASCAR sponsorship and a nice person in a mascot suit as cute as that be anything but totally on the up and up?

Still don't believe the claims ... well ... I put one of these on my car a few years ago. And I didn't stop there. I figured all these devices and products must have a multiplier effect, so I got my hands on everything I could. I also have the following devices installed (or products in use):

Air-Jet Air Bleed
Atomized Vapor Injector
Auto-Miser
Autosaver
Ball-Matic Air Bleed
Basko Enginecoat
Baur Condenser
BIAP Electronic Ignition Unit
Brisko PCV
Cyclone-Z
Dresser Economizer
Econo Needle Air Bleed
Econo-Mist Vacuum Vapor Injection System
El-5 Fuel Additive
Electro-Dyne Superchoke
Energy Gas Saver
Environmental Fuel Saver
Frantz Vapor Injection System
Fuel Maximiser
Fuelon Power
FuelXpander
Goodman Engine System, Model 1800
Greer Fuel Pre-heater
Gyroscopic Wheel Cover
Happy Thoughts
Hot Tip
Jacona Fuel System
Kamei Spoilers
Kat's Engine Heater
Lamkin Fuel Metering Device
Magna Flash Ignition Control System
Mesco Moisture Extraction System
Moleculetor (metallic)
Monocar HC Control Air Bleed
Muffler Bearings
NRG #1 Fuel Additive
Paser Magnum
PETROMIZER SYSTEM
PetroMoly HP Motor Oil
Platinum Gasaver
POLARION X
Pollution Master Air Bleed
POWERFUEL
Rolfite Upgrade Fuel Additive
Russell Fuelmeiser
Smith Power and Deceleration Governor
Stargas Fuel Additive
SYNeRGy 1
Tail Pipe Cat
Technoi G Fuel Additive
Tephguard
Treis Emulsifier
Turbocarb
Turbo-Dyne G.R. Valve
Turn Signal FLuid
ULX-15/ULX-15D
Unicorn Farts
V-70 Vapor Injector
Vareb10 Fuel Additive
Vitalizer III
Wickliff Polarizer (fuel line and air intake)

Sure, my interior is packed with all sorts of devices. I had to add a few more 12V outlets. My engine bay is an inaccessible mess. There are occasional electrical fires and leaks[1], but it's TOTALLY WORTH IT. Here's why:

The sum total is that my formerly factory Ford 4.6 liter engine, rated at 235 HP and 275 lb/ft of torque now gets roughly 1,382HP and 1,708 lb/ft of torque. This is without forced induction! I have the Photoshop images of real dyno pulls to prove it.[2]

My mileage has gone from a little over 20 MPG on average to well over 200MPG. And this is in a car that used to weight 4,200 pounds. It now weighs a bit over 4,400 pounds with all the extra equipment, but that's OK. I'm saving energy.

In fact, with my new found mileage, I haven't had to fill up since March. And I drive a lot. I'm still driving on that $3.20 gas, YO![3]

I am an actual person and not a shill for any of the companies above. I can prove my numbers. I have several Excel spreadsheets of amazing numbers (all using the digits 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9) and Powerpoint decks with talking points filled with pseudo-scientific jargon.

My car is so efficient, there have been secret meetings on Capitol Hill figuring out ways to outlaw it and the combined use of technology. Several OPEC countries have me on hit lists.[4] I am very popular at various events due to my winning and gullible personality.

If you have similar products, please let me know about them. I'm hoping to get to the 220MPG level by Fall. I'm no longer looking for more power as this much is causing premature transmission, tire, and driveshaft wear, thus offsetting some of my savings.

I have also had other benefits since using these products, like the time I talked my wife into a threesome with that hot woman who always gives me eyes at the grocery store. We took my car, of course — with all these products! I also won a scratch off lottery ticket for $1,500 because I drove my car — with all these products — to the store. I have also lost 30 pounds, and my boss gave me a raise and a promotion.[5]

I do have to be completely honest. There are a few drawback. There are a lot of vapors near my car now, so broccoli tastes like an orange dipped in gas. It's a small price to pay, really, and I don't eat much broccoli. I have a strange aversion to the color puce, but if I mentally call it "light bruise", I'm OK with it.

Please stop hating on these products and use my testimonial (totally unsponsored) as proof these products do work. Try it for yourself and you'll see.[7]

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[1] Source of fires and leaks was not officially determined, so none of these devices can be blamed.
[2] Dyno pull images may or may not be of my actual car or any actual car.
[3] Actual price paid for gas in March may be slightly different. Actual date of last fill up may not be in March.
[4] This may be a peyote-induced hallucination.
[5] Yes, the shake machine is ALL MINE BITCHES!
[6] List of side effects may not be complete.
[7] Since every car and every driver is different, your results may vary.