Dream MILF auctions road trip in Porsche — and herself

Well now, chaps, this is a tempting offer. A woman is auctioning herself and a roadtrip from the UK to LeMans in her 2009 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S. Don't all run to the phones at once. At least read it first.

"Damsel in Distress Seeks Driver for Le Mans Adventure"

That's how she begins. Here's more.

You have the rare opportunity to bid on a once in a life time adventure, one that hopefully will remain an unforgettable experience for all of the right reasons!

You may be crazy, mad, adventurous, or simply normal (but reckon you are not the latter if you've made it this far and are still reading on.....)

Oh, we're all that in spades, sister. Still reading.

This auction prize is not simply about a car, but about A Woman and A Car. A woman who is selling the opportunity to accompany her on a 4 night 5 day adventure (9 - 13 June 2011) on a Le Mans Tour in her 2009 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S.

You're a woman who's into motorsports? You own a Porsche and you can give us details about it other than the color? Hang on while I make a mad grab for the smelling salts. Too late. Mr. Forehead, meet Mr. Linoleum.

A woman who many would say easily earns the adjectives attributable to any suitable bidder of this auction (see above).

Wait, what? What does that mean, "adjectives attributable"? Is that a disclaimer? Do I need to have a lawyer look this over?

The journey begins on Thursday morning with an early departure from Folkestone, UK to Calais, France via Eurotunnel. At Calais you, the Damsel and 25 other cars will form a convoy driving all day (with leisurely lunch break) to arrive at your magnificent hotel in the Loire Valley. Spending a chill out day on Friday you will explore the Loire valley in convoy visiting nearby Chateaux, French markets with (of course) lunch followed by trip to local Wine Caves. Formal evening dinner at Hotel with your party.

Hold the phone! A tour group? That sounds very Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice to me, madame. Next thing, you'll be tossing the Porsche's key fob into a punchbowl and I'll end up on a pillow-covered floor with Ms. Drunken McPerimenopause of Hampstead.

More excitement afoot on Saturday departing by coach for Le Mans circuit where you will take in the pre race atmosphere on your picnic blanket enjoying a fabulous al fresco lunch.

Ok, we're back. Pre-race lunch. Lunch is good. Racing is good. Blankets and racing and lunch. Sold.

You soon realise that lunch was simply the appetiser...

Right here? In front of all these people?

...as the main course is served up later that afternoon. You and the Damsel will climb aboard a waiting Helicopter for a unique flight around the circuit during the race! Once your heart has stopped racing you will be taken to view night-time racing at Arnage and Indianapolis.

Oh, ok. Yes, you had me at helicopter. And then you had me again at Arnage and Indianapolis.

A lovely, satisfyingly full day with coach trip back to the Hotel when its all over.

Wait, no! Coach back to the hotel? This is LeMans, babe. I plan to sleep in the dirt in a pool of vodka-infused-champagne shooters with puke in my beard. And I don't even HAVE a beard.

Sunday is as Sunday should be........Whatever you two choose.......Decisions, Decisions!!!.... Drive convoy style through the Loire Valley with a visit to Chateau Chambord? Return by coach to Le Sarthe Circuit to view the final stages of the race perhaps? Or maybe at this stage of the trip you will simply prefer to create your own adventures as you and The Damsel choose to have a Day at Your Leisure.
Whatever you decide, you can look forward to a wonderful, private dinner back at the Hotel on your last night in the Loire. On Monday morning you will enjoy a leisurely breakfast followed by convoy drive through the valley to return to Calais for an evening Eurotunnel return to Folkestone. Big smiles all around complete the picture.

Gah! I'm way too hungover for any of that. I choose a nice nap and a cold hat made out of a towel and six icy cans of Karlsquell. No? Then I think we've just had our first fight. Maybe we should see other cars. I mean people.

Read more on eBay, where you can bid on the affections of your motoring dream date, or a very savvy travel agent. Decide for yourself. [UPDATE: Oops, it's been removed. Here's a screenshot.]