Commenter Of The Day: Jean Doumanian EditionS

When Lorne Micheals left SNL after its fifth season, the smart money was on Al Franken to replace him. Unfortunately, Al Franken had just done a bit on Weekend Update where he assaulted the NBC president for being an idiot. The suits went with producer Jean Doumanian, who had no real comedy writing experience. She was smart enough to hire Eddie Murphy, but not smart enough to put him on TV as much as Charles Rocket. She didn't make it to the end of the season before being fired, to be replaced by Dick Ebersol (who also didn't have any comedy writing experience). Creatively, he wasn't much better, but he at least knew what people thought was funny and let Murphy get the airtime he deserved. Some say Doumanian was fired because Rocket swore on the air, because she stood by a sketch that involved a nun having sex with Farther Guido Sarducci, or just because she's a woman.

Either way, your penalty for having Hyde out is having me do COTD for a period even shorter than Doumanian's producership, or as short-lived as this failed burnout, a crime for which jip1080's created his own penalty.

I believe we need to update our justice system to properly deal with people who cannot drive responsibly. When they did away with the stocks the authorities truly failed society. And that is why I hereby propose a new punishment for these asshats: The Pink Yaris of Shame.

The Pink Yaris of Shame will be, as the name implies, pink. A very bright pink. It will have the windows taken out and Justin Bieber's "Baby" playing on repeat, near full volume. There will be no handbrake, the motor will be detuned, and the top speed governed down to 70 (to allow for travel along most major interstates still). The key will be shaped like a penis, and will be attached to a bright pink handbag. Basically, think Paris Hilton's ride if she were poor and 36% more of a whore.

If you do something stupid like punch it trying to drift on a public road and wind up 1) hurting someone, 2) hurting a car, 3) damaging property, 4) getting a car meetup kicked out of its current location then you will be banished to The Pink Yaris of Shame. The length of time the offender must use The Pink Yaris of Shame will be based on the level of asshattery they have committed.
For getting the car meetup kicked out of the current location, 1 year, followed by 1/2 year probation.
For hurting a car, or damaging property, 2-1/2 years, followed by 1/2 year probation.
For hurting someone, welcome to your permanent ride from here on out.
Second offence will be dealt with even more harshly.

Please look for this proposal during your next election. It will be Ballot initiative 455H4T.

You dou-man.