Driving is a funny thing. Operating an automobile is one of the few American pastimes where success — at least in the eyes of the government and your insurance company — has little to do with skill and everything to do with working the system. Live a safe, cautious life but repeatedly find yourself in fender-benders or 10 mph over the limit? The world hates you. Spend twenty years accident-free but cut people off and check your email in 90-mph traffic? You're a star!
On that note, everyone knows someone who can't drive. (Hell, I live in California, which means that I know an entire state full of people who shouldn't be let out of their houses, much less behind the wheel.) And we've long suspected that there is a connection between what you do and how you handle a car. Now we have proof, or at least a semi-meaningless list that makes us feel better about not being lawyers or professional dog groomers. Which, you know, is always nice.
(Note: "Journalist/blogger/car weirdo about town" isn't anywhere on this list, which means that my life has officially been upgraded to Win. Eat it, so-called marketing professionals!)
(Note Two: As always, we are committed to not being pageview whores, so if you'd like to see this in a ten-images-at-once single page, click here. If not, click "next" above.)
I dated a nurse once. At the risk of being politically incorrect, she was hot. The cartoon nurse from Animaniacs was . . . and this sounds a little creepy, but stay with me here . . . also hot. Maybe I've been lucky, but every nurse that I've come in contact with has been A) a woman and B) at least marginally attractive. I have no idea what this means, but it seems relevant.
Your love may be strong, white-shoe hot lady, but your driving is weak. We forgive you.
Blood pressure has nothing to do with safe driving. Of course not.
Photo Credit: Upnextinsports.com
Stop huffing the Barbasol. Step away from the vehicle. Paul Mitchell would not approve.
(Best cartoon ever, by the way.)
7. Marketing Professional
Attention, marketing professionals: You can make anything seem sexy, but you apparently cannot keep your car from flinging sideways into a ditch or ass-punching an SUV. Here's a tip: Serve the Kool-Aid, don't drink it. And especially not while driving.
By the way, anyone else have a sudden hankering for pork fat?
Image Credit: Viz Magazine
6. Dog Groomer
"And so then I was all, 'Ah, hell, I had too much to drink at the Best In Show afterparty,' and Fluffy was on the dash, and I figured she was in better shape to drive, and sonofabitch, it just went downhill from there."
5. Business Professionals
This is a painting of the late John Gotti. It was done by his widow. It is part of a collection that once appeared at an art gallery in New York. It is possibly the most entertaining painting we have seen all year.
"Business." Heh. "Professional." Heh heh. I'LL BREAK YOUR KNEES.
What were we talking about again?
Photo Credit: Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images
So a Heinous DoucheCaptain drives his car into a bar . . .
Photo Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images
3. Government Worker
This should be self-explanatory. If I worked for the government, I'd probably
run my car into things on purpose
be accident-prone, too.
2. Financial Professional
LOLCats aren't supposed to be funny anymore. Why is this still funny? Did we miss something?
You are a lawyer. You are paid an awful lot of money to argue incessantly and defend people who may or may not need defense. Your profession has made a mockery of the terms "right" and "wrong," and most of you drive much-abused Porsche 911s. According to Insurance.com, 44 percent of you have made an accident claim at some point in your life. You belong to one of the most detested and mocked professions in history.
Stop crashing cars. It's not helping.