Earlier this week, the masculoids at Ask Men released their list of the ten best cars to have sex in — complete with positions. After careful deliberation we're prepared to warn you off these ten worst, complete with reasons.
Interior space, ambiance, amenities, and a certain je ne sais quoi are all necessary when choosing an automotive boudoir. If we're honest, it's often a matter of any port in a storm, but if it's possible to avoid any of these, you should certainly do so.
Car: Toyota Prius
Why it's bad for sex: Let's just get this right out of the way and acknowledge that no one wants to have sex in a Prius. First of all, it's tough to get your swerve on in such an uninspiring object, something that's more consumer good than car. Second, you risk bringing a new life into the world, which will certainly be a waste of precious resources. Third, if you're a Prius owner, the idea of a car being fun is completely alien to you so you have your 20 minutes of lights-off missionary-position relations in the futon like a proper citizen anyway.
Car: Chevrolet Aveo
Why it's bad for sex: Sex is just one of many things you should never attempt with the poor, misbegotten Aveo, including driving it, walking up to it or getting in it. But especially not sex. There's enough room, barely, if you're young, short, and athletic, but men have paid good money for drugs that give them the same hardness as the interior surfaces of this car. The resulting conjugal bruises will get you the wrong kind of reputation .
Car: Mazda Miata
Why it's bad for sex: While we love this car unreservedly, we are-like 98% of people-not exhibitionists, and to have any sort of workable sex in this car the top would have to be down. Also, much like 100% of people, we don't like our coitus to get interruptus by a power hardtop suddenly coming down on us because a flailing knee or elbow hit the switch.
Car: Scion TC
Why it's bad for sex: While this cheap coupe is, or will be, the first car of a lot of eager young folks in an exploratory phase of their lives, we urge them to bring a blanket and find a wooded area. The TC is not so much a car as a platform for interior accessorizing, and getting into youthful carnal hijinks in this thing means you run a risk of getting something stuck in your illuminated cupholder. Buying a faux-billet LED-lit shift knob is one sort of loss of dignity; having a gloved proctologist hand it back to you in front of the entire ER is another.
Car: Chevrolet Camaro
Why it's bad for sex: Traditionally, the two of you jump into the back seat of your two-door muscle coupe and proceed to put some sneaker prints on the headliner. However, just sitting in the back of the current Camaro will imprint the top of your head into the current headliner. And the front seats just don't recline enough or give enough leg room for advanced physical-intimacy contingencies. This is probably the only category of the contemporary muscle-car wars the Challenger wins going do- er, away.
Car: Maybach 62
Why it's bad for sex: Because one's sex life is none of one's chauffer's business. Why, the very idea.
Car: Mini (any)
Why it's bad for sex: Owners report that repeated heavy jolts can damage the rear shock mounts, resulting in reduced handling performance and a dramatic drop in ride quality, especially in early models. Also, even in a Clubman, there's no damn room in the thing.
Car: Ariel Atom
Why it's bad for sex: Although a certain type of person might look at the Atom and notice the abundance of tie-down points, the multiple partner-handcuffing options, and the overall masochistic glory of this incredibly capable track car, it is in fact $65,000. For that price, you could afford any number of studded-leather bedsteads with enough left over for chains and whips.
Car: Smart ForTwo
Why it's bad for sex: Seriously, AskMen actually recommended this car, albeit in cabrio form. If you're more into achievement than enjoyment this could work, but in that case you'll probably have sex anywhere and everywhere anyway and don't need any sort of list to tell you. I mean, we're into bragging rights as much as the next person, but not bragging for bragging's sake, and sexually speaking the Smart hardly has enough room ForOne.
Car: Dodge Caliber
Why it's bad for sex: Because it's just plain bad. The Caliber may, in fact, be the worst all-around car made today, and the idea of having sex in one has the same emotional resonance as having sex in a FEMA trailer or a Goodwill dumpster. Getting past the fact it's uncomfortable and it's not as roomy as it should be for a wagon/crossover/compromise-mobile, the Caliber is just kind of depressing. And if word gets out, you'll always be "the person who had sex with [other loser] in a Dodge Caliber," meaning you probably won't ever have sex again.