The Definitive Guide To Derogatory Auto Acronyms

I was pleased when Fiat announced their return to America, but, now that the brand is settling in, I realized there's an issue. See, any new 500 driver with a flat or a dead battery is now going to have to endure the cries of "Fix It Again, Tony!" — the beloved-by-many-meatheads derogatory acronym for Fiat — from passing motorists, which many Americans have been desperately waiting two decades to once again yell.

The problem is, it is a pretty sick brand-name-acronym burn, and there's hardly any others to shout back. There's Ford's "Fix Or Repair Daily" and there's a painfully cruel and racist one for Pontiac I won't mention here (and keep it out of the comments, please — we'll ban you if you do — period), but beyond those two, what's a driver to yell at stranded motorists in any number of other cars? Clearly, there's a hole to be filled here, and that's where I come in.

So I've solved your problem. Below please find insulting acronyms for every major marque sold in the US. If I've missed one, or readers in other parts of the world want to make some for, say Citröen or Proton, have at it. But keep to these rules:

• The acronym has to use all the letters in the brand's name, with occasional articles and prepositions squeezed in if needed
• The acronym has to be insulting to the car or driver or company
• Generalizations about national character and stereotypes are fine, just keep it from going into out-and-out racism

Great?

Great.

If we see any good auto acronyms in the comments, we'll add 'em to this list too — and give you credit.

Now, you'll probably want to print this out and tape it to your dash for easy reference. Enjoy:

Acura:
All Customers Undergo Repair Anxiety

Alfa-Romeo:
All Loosely Fitted Accessories Remain On Motorway Enraging Others (via Blue Meanie)

Aston Martin:
Anglophiles Seek To Own, Now Many Are Really Trashy, I Notice

Audi:
Aging, Unfulfilled Dentists' Investment
Attention: User Doesn't Indicate! (via del_ta)

Bentley:
British Excess Needs To Leave Everywhere, Yesterday

BMW:
(for) Bitchy Men, Women
Big Money Wasted (via bearslayer)
Bring Mama's Wallet (via Slave2anMG)

Bugatti:
"Bangin' Underground Gangsta Attitude" Trumps Techy Image

Buick:
Big, Underpowered, Impressing China Keenly (via sisonju)
Bearing Unimpressive I4s, Current as Kennedy (via sisonju)

Cadillac:
Can American Designers Invent Lovely Lines? Apparently, Can't.

Chevrolet:
Cheap Heaps: Expect Very Routine Owner Letdowns, Excessive Trouble

Chrysler:
Can Hear Revs, Yet Sense Little Engine Reaction

Citröen:
Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters (via skinnayyy)

Dacia:
(in Romanian) Daca Ai Cap, Iei Altceva (If you're smart, buy something else) (via ratonbox)

Dodge:
Doddering Old Dudes Get Excited

Ferrari:
Fragile, Expensive Rides Repel All Reasonable Individuals

Fiat:
Fix It Again, Tony*

Ford:
Fix Or Repair Daily*
Found On Road Dead (via Bill Childers)

GMC:
Great, More Crap (via Pure87)

Holden:
Horrible Old Lump of Decrepit Engineering Nonsense (via Jon Etkins)

Honda:
Has Only Normal, Dull Attributes
Horsepower Option Never Did Appear (via Aldairion)
Had One, Never Did Again (via Aldairion)

Hummer:
Huge, Usually Male Member Enlarger Replacement

Hyundai:
Hope You Understand No Dependable Autos Included

Jaguar:
Jerks Are Giving Unasked Advice Regularly
Just Another Gearbox Under Annual Repair (via MurmurSuicidePact)
Jesus! Another Ghastly, Unbelievably Annoying Repair (via Tonylukes)

Jeep:
Just Expect Excessive Problems

Kia:
Korean Idiot's Attempt

Lamborghini:
Less Able Men Buy Only Really Gaudy High-priced Italian Narcissism Implements

Land Rover:
Lame Americans Need Dumb, Really Oversized Vehicles, England Realized

Lexus:
Luxury Equipment Xeroxed, Used Seldom

Lincoln:
Luxury Is Now Cheesy On Latest Navigators

Lotus:
Lightness Out; Tubbiness Ubiquitous, Sadly

Maserati:
Mechanically Adept Souls Expect Repairs All Times, Indefinitely

Maybach:
Mercedes, And Yet Buyers Almost Completely Hypothetical

Mazda:
Mainstream Ads, "Zoom-Zoom" Denote Apathy

Mercedes-Benz:
Mechanical Engineers Regret Choices, Especially Designing Expensive Stuff, But Executives Need Zillions

Mercury:
Massive Engines Run Curiously Underpowered Rolling Yawnbarges (via Cheh Poh'r)

Mini:
Metrosexual Idiots Need Instructions

Mitsubishi:
Mechanics Investigate Trouble, Some Understand, But It's Sure Had It

Morgan:
Merkin-Owning Rich Geezers Are (the) Norm

Nissan:
Nasty Import Styles Seem All Normal

Oldsmobile:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Incessantly Late Everyday (via RedRaider922)

Pagani:
Prissy Aristocrats Gather Accumulated Net Income (via Klic)

Pontiac:
Ponderous, Old, Noisy— These Indicate Attributes, Clearly

Porsche:
Pricks Or Rich Shitheads Can Have ‘Em

Rolls-Royce:
Rich Old Lame Louts Still Run Over Your Childhood Expectations

Saab:
Sadly Absent, Always Broken

Saturn:
Slow And Tasteless: Upgrade Right Now!
Simpletons Attracted To Unconventional Retail Network (via ginsunh)

Scion:
Stupid Children Ignoring Ordinary Notions (via ScottyDsntKnw25)
Sad Cars Inspire Only Nausea

Smart:
Smug Men Are Really Tiny

Subaru:
Shift Up, Because Always Revs Unnecessarily

Suzuki:
Sadly Uninspired Zip Ultimately Kills It

Tesla:
Technology Excesses Seem Lame, Actually

Toyota:
Totally Ordinary Yawn-Optimizing Tedious Autos

Volkswagen:
Very Ordinary Looking Krautwagons Saddled With Apathetic German Engineering Now

Volvo:
Violation Of Law: Vehicular Obesity
Vacuous Owners Love Vehicular Oddities (via misterfrontrow)

* Already existing. Also, Matt came up with the VW one, and Patrick came up with Bugatti.
Photo Credit: (Jim Magill)