With gas prices continuing their climb, owners are fearfully turning to alternative uses for their devalued SUVs. Whether you have a Suburban, an Excursion or a Sequoia, alternative uses from that sport utility vehicle now that you can't afford to actually drive it are sounding pretty good right now. Here's ten alternative uses for your gas guzzler that won't require you to fill it up first.
10. Public Art
Now that Democrats have taken over Congress and Jesse Helms is dead, nothing stands in the way of getting some sweet, sweet National Endowment of the Arts grant money. When putting together your application, make sure to mention how you'll be involving the desecration of some sort of religious artifact or symbol; the grant people at the NEA love that.
9. Holder Of Contraband
Doesn't it suck when the ATF, DEA or other governmental agency impinges on your right to stock ammo in preparation for the imminent Canadian invasion? It's not safe to keep automatic weapons in your home these days, so why not fill your old SUV full of things you'd rather didn't get found. All that storage is perfect for Japanese elder pr0n, guns, ammo, African monkeys and maybe even a Cuban cigar...or Cuban child.
8. Recording Studio
Given all of the sound-deadening material they stuff into the average SUV, it can be a serene, quiet place. And with 600 power outlets, ample space and cupholders, you've got the perfect location to cut your demo tape. Tina Weymouth approves.
7. Illicit Sex Pad
You know what blows? When your wife, or a British Tabloid, catches you in the throes of passion with one or more Nazi-imitating hookers. Why not throw your SUV up on blocks, put on some Lovage and put out the red light in the roomy back row of an SUV? If this Durango's a'rockin...
6. Newspaper Stand
Parking an SUV can be quite the chore, especially in urban areas. Why not make a little extra money out of the deal? Though not exactly a million-dollar idea, people love the printed word despite the obvious superiority of blogs (read Jalopnik). Nail on a roof, open up the hatch and see if you can't sell out of Vibe. I heard there's a great interview with Cory Booker in this month's Esquire; let's check out the old Suburban News Stand.
5. Trebuchet Projectile
Instead of a gasoline engine, try a siege engine. And what's a better siege engine than the old fashioned Trebuchet? When the next generation of crusades start over oil, we can use them against the infidels, or Lithuanians...whomever, really. Fill up the tank with some sort of fuel and watch it blow!
What's more American than baseball? The major manufacturers will have you believe trucks are, so in that spirit why not combine the two? It's not always easy to find a fence or a wall so plant a G-wagen behind the plate. It'll be extra fun when a wild pitch knocks out a window or dents a panel and you get to steal third as the catcher picks glass out of his or her eye.
3. Refugee Camp
According to the UN, there are approximately 32.9 million people classifiable as "refugees." Whether because of famine wrought partially by the global weather patterns tied to our industry or because of the wars needed for fuel to power our SUV's, these people don't have homes. We're not sure if it's a write-off, but wouldn't you feel better about someone without a home living in that Excursion instead of in an asbestos-ridden FEMA trailer?
2. Artificial Reef
Growing up, we were shocked to learn that old Christmas trees were recycled into artificial reef barriers. That's thinking green. Imagine how great it would be to recycle that old evergreen SUV by dropping it onto a shoreline that needs protecting? You were probably going to dump it in the ocean for the insurance money anyway, right?
1. Target Practice
Most people's SUVs are probably sitting in the driveway, their owners staring angrily at them as they collect dust. If you're going to despise it anyway, why not use that energy constructively by blowing the crap out of it? Explosives, projectiles or just a baseball bat will do. It's cheaper than therapy and we like to think it's more cathartic too.
Oh sure, you could donate your SUV to the Purple Heart, but where's the fun in that?