Jalopnik
In a stunning upset, the Borgward Hansa wagon handed Germany a one-sided victory over the Peugeot 304 in our most recent Choose Your Eternity poll. With France long reigning as the world's lone HyperGalactic PCH OmniPower, we would be remiss if we didn't give the French a shot at prying the oil-leaking, stripped-fastener-thread PCH CryptoChampion trophy from the Germans, in order to prove that the Borgward's victory wasn't just some one-shot fluke. That's why we're rolling out some Hell Project heavy artillery today, with a pair of undeniably cool- yet just as undeniably nightmarish- machines vying for long-term residency in your Garage Of Torture.
It wouldn't be fair to break out the H-bomb of French Hell Projects (the Citröen SM), because we're fairly certain that nothing on the planet can beat the SM in a Project Car Hell matchup. But how about the Citröen CX? The early CX has many of the features that made the SM so wonderful and terrible, but with the added bonus of having been manufactured by a company in complete financial shambles (and with the involvement of both the French and Italian governments). So head on down to lovely Plant City, Florida, and hand over $2,500 for this 1975 Citröen CX 2000 (go here if the ad disappears). The seller doesn't mention anything about mechanical condition, because it's totally unnecessary; you know this car doesn't run! All we get from the seller is "4 cylinder cinline,its standard with red interior seats and holds up to five people," which leaves a whole lot to your darkest imagination. But maybe it will fire right up, the hydropneumatic suspension will leap to the proper height, and you'll roar off into the Plant City sunset with a Hell-free car experience... but that ain't the way to bet.
We all know that Porsche engineers don't compromise performance for any reason, including the sanity of the mechanics who will one day work on their cars. So if long-suffering (yet well-paid) wrenchmen Hans und Günter have to sweat out 72 hours of labor (using all manner of single-purpose, Porsche-only tools) in order to replace some tiny component buried beneath a fiendish labyrinth of impossible-to-reach fasteners... well, if that's the way to make the car perform 0.0019% better, that's exactly how Porsche will do it! And the 928 might be the purest expression of that philosophy, with its engine compartment completely packed with one of the most complicated V8s that ever made a veteran mechanic weep with frustration. And it's not just the engine- the whole car is a lunatic monkeypuzzle, and it will drive you mad. Of course, all is forgiven when you actually get to drive your 928, but getting an affordable one to that point takes some work. Nothing you can't handle, though... right? Right! So come on out to Redding, California, and peel off twelve Benjamins for this running, driving '81 928 (go here if the ad disappears). Yes, just $1,200 for a running 928! It's not perfect; the seller admits that it "nees some luv." We can see evidence of some family strife in the car's description ("bought it to fix up with my boys but they think it is ugly i say they have no class, anyway here it is"), so here's your chance to swoop in and grab this jewel before the boys reconsider. Hey, did Porsche paint those wheels at the factory?
Comments
I voted for the 928 because maybe with the $1200 bucks, he can buy a keyboard with a working shift key.
Citroen every time, because it holds up to five people.
...and hugs them and pets them and loves them and calls them George!
I sprung for the 928 and yes, it is yet another reason to kick its cousin out of the JFG!
I have to go Citroen becuase I've been to Plant city....and NOTHING is in running condition in Plant City!
Why wouldn't the guy with the 928 just put his bratty, ungrateful kids on Craigslist?
In times like these, you must consiter what would happen in the long run. Lets say you have a swiss bank account somewhere, and you decide to buy both of these hell-buckets, and fix em up. However, the Citroen will cost more, be more complicated and when your done, all you will end up is a Citroen.
Vive le France!
This might be the first and only time the French actually conquer Germany.
I love the 928, but to rescue this one would be like rescuing an Alsatian puppy after it had already been skinned.
The Citroen has whitewalls, dude! CX is one of the three coolest things ever, after cycling with no hands, and jumping the last 5 steps on a stairwell.
Hydropneumatics win by default.
What's so about -this- particular 928? Heck, $1200 is little enough to walk away from, or just part it out - I've seen just as hellish examples that cost 10x that.. (Wait, welcome to -my- hell) Thats the kind of hell that you just can't turn your back on.
Plus, those early 928s are actually easier to work on & are more forgiving than 85-up models. It ONLY has 16 valves? I scoff at its dual cams and simplified electronics.
Citroen, FTW.
@shoman95: Napoleon might object to that statement.
You can actually go to the Porsche dealer with a couple of wheelbarrow loads of cash and get all the parts you need for the 928. With the Citroen you better speak French, and like paying lots of shipping charge for parts, if you can find them. Have to go with the Citoen.
I still think a Jensen FF can give a SM a run for its money as PCH champ.
I had to vote for the Porsche, not because it is the most hellish, but because you have to WANT to go through the hell it dishes out. In this case, German Dominatrix trumps Truculent French Maid. It was close though.
"with its engine compartment
928 all the way.
"completely packed with one of the most complicated V8s that ever made a veteran mechanic weep with frustration"
No kidding. I traded in my 1995 928 when the water pump sprung a leak and the repair estimate was close to the GDP of a third world country.
CX, I'd do justice for the original design and swap in a Renesis engine out of RX-8.
I can't believe this is even close.
The Porsche already runs! (although depicted on a trailer)
Who knows what lurks beneath the Citroen? Oh, it's in a barn, so the answer is mice! Chewing on every peice of electrical insulation and rubber insulator that exists. IF they still exist.
CX FTW
Floridas swamp moist air combined with silt sewater air must have turned this CX in a shell made of paint. Fortunatly it already has a rust brown coulor
I'm guessing that, in saying the Porsche needs some "Luv", the seller is referring to a Chevy Luv-perhaps as a tow vehicle? That being said, and being fully cognizant of the insidious Nazi-torture chamber that is the 928 engine compartment (plus a general love for the movie Risky Business) I had to go with the CX.
This is because, much like an American league expansion team, no matter how much money you pour into it, you'll never have a winner, AND like painting the Golden Gate bridge, you'll never be finished- once you replace that last odd-socket tail-lamp bulb, you'll need to go back and address the water-pump leak that has recently reappeared- only it doesn't use water, but some kind of exotic white wine that has been banned for sale in the U.S. and you have to smuggle it into the country in a foley-bag strapped to your leg.
But customs doesn't believe your story about poor bladder control and you get taken to a little office at the airport where they grill you for hours, all the while your Citroen is sitting in long-term parking slowing sinking on its hydropneumatic suspension and pidgeons are using it for target practice, and the acidity in their poops is lifting the paint because you drove it too soon after getting it back from the shop. Meanwhile, your foley-bag ruse has been discovered and your Citroen-coolant wine has been confiscated. After a full body cavity search comes up with two windscreen wipers and combination turn-signal/twee horn stalk, you are led off for processing and eventually 5 to 10 at Rikers.
This of course is a relief to you as it is less demanding and frustrating than spending time in the garage trying to track down that elusive intermittent electrical short in the driver's seat that has been giving your boys a good jolt on left turns. Even the attention of your fellow inmates is less debasing than the reaming you received from that guy on Craiglist who sold you the Citroen.
Citroen all the way.
@DoctorNine: You are being giant money pit. Zank you. /M. Mosley
Coolest CX I've ever seen was a limo version which was used by the Portuguese Government.
I think the CX might be more hellish.
Citroen. Too many Porsches recently, and the Cit's front end vaguely reminds me of an AMC Javelin.
@graverobber- Same great taste, new low price!:
Graverobber FTW!
928, I am sure you could sell enough parts off that thing to get well below the $500 ceiling for the LeMons...
Buy both cars. Give the Porsche the Citroen's suspension so it's an even Grander Touring car (and come out with third degree hell burns). Then, make the children of the Porsche seller (I'm afraid to find out what their standard of classy is) make a running car out of the Citroen and the Porsche suspension bits, and make them drive that.
Gotta go with the Citroen, if only because I once owned one of these, in RHD, as it was in Britain. Even in 1987/88 when I owned it, it was hell on earth to keep working.
Don't forget the brakes- they use a pressure switch under the brake pedal, not a master cylinder, to control how fast- or not, you stop when its time to stop. And no power steering either on the non-estate models, so hauling that POS around corners is no joy at all.
The CX because the French talk funny.
CX without question.
Sure, it's French, it's a Citroen, it's got hydropneumatic fantasticosity, Citroen was on the verge of collapse, and the ad is vague.
However, there's one other detail: every single CX in North America was either a gray market import or imported when it was 25 years old, and there's only a few hundred of them on this side of the planet.
At least you can get parts and service for a 928. It's bad enough to keep alive a Citroen that was sold when they actually did business here-- the CX will likely be the ruin of it's eventual owner's finances, relationships, and mental health.
I rode in a 75 Citroen CX 2000 a few years ago. It was owned by a crazy Finn living near the Argentinian Andes. I kept praying the transmission/brakes held out as he drove up some steep climbs. The hydropneumatic suspension worked perfectly.
Tough one! But my love for the CX is stronger.. wouldn't mind the optical B/W seats of the Porsche inside the CX though..
Had to go for the Citroën, but only to avoid making some lame gag about Porsche commemorating their '81 Le Mans win by offering the 928 in Derek Bell-end purple.
Take a look at the Citroen Dashboard:
[en.wikipedia.org]
How could it NOT be the PCH winner?
The Porsche hit the trifecta didn't it. PCH canidate, JFG nominee, and DOTS star. It's life is complete, what else is there?
i fail to understand why this is even close... perhaps we need to explain the rules again for the newbies?
which is the more hellish project, french car or german car?
default answer: english, but there isn't one, so it goes to the french.
@petersterncan: That dashboard is cool, but I was already won over by the concave rear window.
Heres a couple DOTS pictures of CX 25 Prestige(Prestige!) I spotted near Primrose Hill and have just been too lazy to send to Murilee.
[www.flickr.com]
[www.flickr.com]
@P161911: Nah, Chrysler engine.
@petersterncan: I've seen pictures of the CX dash before, but I never realized until now that there's something on the order of 200 idiot lights there. Just looking at that is giving me a headache.
I voted 928, because it's the car I'd rather drive... hey what are you laughing at ? Of course it will drive!
"Needs some luv" does give me an idea. Sure, the V8 in a tiny badge engineered Izusu has been done
+ Watch video
@Markstre302: The Porsche hit the trifecta didn't it. PCH canidate, JFG nominee, and DOTS star. It's life is complete, what else is there?
Still need a cheaper one for LeMons. Unless someone buys this one and sells $700+ in parts while keeping it race-able. (interior bits, glass, and lights might do it.)
When there is a 928 in a LeMons race, it will have proven itself worthy of any corner of auto-dom.
Almost forgot about the 928-amino. We've had that here, too. [jalopnik.com]
Is there anything a 928 can't do?
I recall having to change the speedometer drive on a 928 once, it took the better part of two days, with that said the CX would represent a more hellish hell, probably requires white truffle oil for the door hinges to open properly. But think of the looks you will get pulling up to the kerb with your beret and a half smoked Gauloise in your mouth to pick up a case of 'two buck chuck'
Does that CX have one giant wiper? Zee Weeener!
You know you've got two great candidates when a quick glance at the photos elicits a spontaneous, gut-punched "Ohhhh!"
"bought it to fix up with my boys but they think it is ugly i say they have no class"
JESUS CHRIST, PEOPLE! BEAT YOUR CHILDREN!
I went for the CX, because it's not just a Citroen-- it's a GRAY-MARKET Citroen! Plus it's in Florida, so you know the suffocating heat and lack of culture have pulled the joie de vivre right out of the car. I thought about the 928, though, because it's in Redding. My mother grew up there and I still have family there, and I love the place. But when my mom returned from college in a Peugeot 504, people assumed she had become an acid-dropping communist. I don't think there are a lot of mechanics in the area who are well-versed in the intricacies of the 928.