Jalopnik
Though our love for Texas knows no end, the state certainly has its share of people who have more balls than common sense. Take Mr. William Johnson, the Thomas Crown of Brazoria, Texas. On the way to burgling a house he came across a wild American Alligator and thought it would be a good idea to wrestle it and put it in the back of his Buick Regal. After arriving at the house he found he had trouble moving a big screen television by himself and recruited a neighbor. The neighbor was willing to rob his other neighbor but relented when he saw the gator, saying "Alright, I ain't got nothing to do with it."
The alligator turned out to be an awful lookout as state troopers managed to find the would-be thief fairly easily, hauling one off to jail and the other off to a preserve. To make things more interesting, they also found Johnson with a nearly five-foot water moccasin. Though he had a snakebite, it didn't seem to bother him. This story makes us a little homesick. [KTRK-TV]
Comments
So... he knocked on the neighbor's door, said "hey, help me steal this guy's TV", and the neighbor said OK? Texas is a whole 'nuther country.
Gator crap in the back seat. Who gets to clean that up? So many bad facets to this story, one just doesn't know which one to be entertained by.
Hmmm sounds like a meth head.
Future Darwin Award nominee?
When its so stupid and funny your brain cant even come up with a smartass remark, that my friend is comedy. You cant make up stuff that funny.
I like how the gator got up on the back deck to sun himself.
Dumb & Dumber
Whew! When I saw the headline I was worried this was going to be a Louisiana story. (Like we need more bad press down here!) Anyway, the guy would be taking the gator home as dinner if it was Louisiana.
I hate it when the gator gets in the rear window. Damn thing really reduceds your visibility during lane changes.
This story eases my mind,until i read this i thought i was crazy driving around with a rabid badger in the car, but an alligator is just nuts.
this is a unique accomplishment. he wrestled an alligator and stuffed in a car en route to a botched robbery recruiting help from a neighbor? i wonder if this guy has published a book already write an unknown book like "Mein Kampf" was?
what motivates this guy?
like htrodblder said, you can't make this stuff up. hilarious.
@smsolo1: I was with you until i wonder if this guy has published a book already write an unknown book like "Mein Kampf" was? You really lost me there...
Is this Staff Sgt Max Fightmaster?
Water moccasin? Buick Regal? Wild gator? Meth heads stealing TVs? Geez, Matt, why did you ever leave?
Seriously, who has a five-foot water moccasin at home, knabs a 6ft gator whilst stealing a tv...all the while dealing with a snakebite "that {doesn't} seem to bother him"? I have a mental image of this man, and I don't want to meet him.
The water moccasin killed it for me. As I read the lead, I was thinking maybe the burglar got an inspiration : Stuff gator through pet door -> gator eats watch dog -> simplified burglary hijinx ensue!
But guess he lust likes to collect reptiles, which reduces his potential as a Goldbergian criminal genius in my eyes.
@FreeMan:
typo. sorry. did not check.
point was it would be funny if this guy was a misunderstood lunatic genius and this is foreplay to his future.
So that's what Crockett and Elvis are up to these days.
at least he cracked the window for the gator. i hear the texas sun can roast a car's interior.
This guy is way cooler than me. All I have in the back window is a little dog whose head goes up and down, up and down.
Just a little bit more than the law will allow.
I want to see a mug shot. Plus I think he should plead severe ADD--he's on his way to burgle--Oh, look! A gator! Let me just get that...ouch, oh, dang. Water Moc. Oh, well, now where was I?"
And it's all fun and games until you slam on the brakes and the gator hits you in the back of the head.
Gator grabbing grifter goes goofy over giant Gateway.
@smsolo1:
Jalopnik presents: Real men of genius…
Today we salute you "Mr. alligator, tv, moccasin stealer."
Your ability to convince the neighbors to knab wild gators and TVs is unparraelled. You strikes the perfect balance between redneck and methhead.
Lesser men might just take the tv, but you wrangle the Gator in the rear window wih
What do you do when you have no job and a pension for reptiles? Steel it.
Gator? Check
Tv? Check
Poinsonous snake? Check
Job? No check.
So crack open an ice cold budlight, crazy reptile, tv thief…then crack open another for the neighbor who helped you.
@Novaload: slightly more dangerous then the flying tissue box huh?
This guy is crazy. Everyone knows that gators are terrible back seat drivers.
I'll see your alcantara, and raise you an alligator upholstered parcel shelf.
@Amscram: ah life on the gulf coast. i sure miss it. i thought for sure this was a story out of my former residence of lake charles, but i've known people from the MOB(mouth of brazos). i guess i've become hardened living on the gulf, and not much surprises me anymore. the alligator drew a shrug. the water moccasin kinda opened my eyes cause i hate snakes, and you have to really go looking for one to find one. alligators down there, you can just happen across one.
And people wonder why I left home.
This would be my hometown, I am not shocked by this. I knew dudes who got ducks stuck in their foreheads, so wreslting a gator ain't far fetched.
Side note, this is Ron Paul's home county. I know that's making some people giggle right now.
@Sloop_John_B:
[www.obits.com.au]
That's who.
This story is so wraught with nonsense it's hard to believe. I guess that's why it is so good.
So...how many gators has this guy wrestled into cars in the past, or do you think this was his first?
And this thief/neighbor, pretty bold to just ask him for help.
@Otto-Reimer: Ducks stuck - wait, what?
@rlj676: considering it was two different types of reptiles, and stealing a tv on the side, i'd bet that it's safe to say that this wasn't his 1st rodeo.
Water mocassins are very poisoness! This guy is 50% stupid, 50% crazy and 100% BADASS.
@iamverb: You read that right, and unfortunately happened more than once.
Brazoria is a wetland, obviously with gators about. We also have ducks and geese for days. Now, the key part to this story, is that the duck blinds were all public.
Now Brazoria, we're known for a lot of things, like being the first colony in Texas, we're Where Texas Began. But we have never won awards for being the smartest in the lot.
Now, some good old boys decided, since we all put in the water at the same time to get to the blind, instead of using a trolling motor like most sane people, to get to the duck blinds first, why not put a speed boat motor on the bass boat?
The reasons not to go fast across the marsh are many. Alligators three times the size of the one this dude put in the car, seven kinds of deadly snakes and six foot birds (we have whooping cranes).
This tale was related to me when I was 10, my best friend's dad was on this hunting trip with his buddy on opening day of duck season:
"So we get to going, I'd say about 20 knots across the bay. Billy Bob (true name) turned around to check out his handy work. Sure enough, the speed boat motor had left everyone a good 50 yards behind us and the point blind was gonna be ours. As he turned back to face me, a mallard smacked him clean in the forehead. Getting its bill stuck between his skin and scalp. Broke the poor duck's neck clean in half, but was firmly stuck in Billy Bob's head. We decided not to take it out, since it might be stopping massive bleeding and had to go to hospital, where he forced to relate the tale to god everybody. Because it's not everyday a dude walks into ER with a duck stuck in his forehead. Well, at least outside of Brazoria, it's not."
Post notes: We got a sick sense of humor in Brazoria, and give out an award for the first duck bagged int heseason. So we gave it to Billy Bob, even if he did it the hard way.
True story.
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Onmonnomnomnomnom
@SeanKHotay: Comment of the day right there. LOL.
@Otto-Reimer:
...And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I wont forget the ducks who died,
who stuck their bills in me.
And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend that blind today.
' Cause there ain't no doubt I love to hunt,
God bless Brazoria, USA.
@Ω βгåғғ™ ۞: I got my lighter held up for ya!
That's not a Buick Regal, it's a Buick Lucerne. Check out the bow-tie radio and the clear CHMSL. Fun is fun but facts are facts. More careless reporting (by KTRK-TV that is, not jalopnik).
American South
A man on a mission
Unexpected visitors
He's lucky the neighbor didn't just gun him down for asking. It is Texas.
[I know which kind of neighbor I'd rather have.. the shooty kind.]
Now if Steve Irwin was alive. but alas he isn't. Stupid bogan should have used sunscreen to protect him from harmful rays.
Did you know Steve Irwin died the way he lived?
With animals in his heart.
ha ha ha ha ha I'm so funny. Googling 'Steve Irwin jokes' make me a comedian.
In all seriousness, Steve Irwin pissed me off. He made Australians look like a bunch of hillbilly bushrangers. That's MY job!
Here in Tombstone, we get almost the same idiocy. I live for this kind of stupid shit. Should have been a Cadillac, and an eight foot gator.
Forget "Trunk Monkey" this is the new craze!
Forget "Trunk Monkey". This the new craze!
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