Jalopnik
The 429 Mustang II put up a good fight in yesterday's Choose Your Eternity poll, but only a French or Italian car really stands a chance against a Triumph GT6 when it comes to true Project Car Hell. Still, every so often you need to let a PCH underdog take on one of the superpowers. We're going to try it again today, with a British machine squaring off against a German-American mashup, only this time the theme is much different. One thing I've noticed with the cheaper PCH cars is the Super LeMons Potential many commenters observe in the entrants, and so today we're going to look at a couple of cars that would immediately bestow Legend In Their Own Time status upon any team entering either one in a 24 Hours of LeMons race. Each is priced below the $500 mark, each could (in theory) be a credible race car, and each would leave onlookers stunned with a potent mixture of awe, fear, and pity.
When you're showing up at the track with your $500 race car, four cylinders under the hood is ho-hum. Six is a little better, and eight will get you some respect. But when you pop the bonnet and reveal a V-12 beneath, the resulting shocked silence in the pits will be gratifying indeed. Now, there's no way in hell you'll ever get a German V12 machine for under $500 (well, no way that will convince the LeMons judges, at any rate), but folks have this completely justified totally irrational fear of the V12-equipped Jaguar XJ-S... and that means it's deal time! Say, a deal such as this 1991 Jaguar XJ-S (go here if the ad disappears) with an asking price of $500 (which smells like an actual price of more like $300, or some "game room things"). It comes with two V12s, so you have to figure you can make one runner, right? Hell yes! Then you're sure to be able to sell off plenty of unneeded parts on eBay (hey, if I can sell $350 worth of parts off an '84 Volvo, anything is possible) after you've gutted the half-ton of leather and wood from the car. Now, since it's a '91 you'll need to deal with some of the Lucas electrics if you want the engine ECU to function, but maybe all those Prince of Darkness jokes have no foundation in real experience! Get a rollcage in it, put some Cherry Bombs on that sweet-sounding V12, and get ready to leave those peasants in their lesser cars in your dust at the race!
Roaring onto the track in a V12 Jag would get you some respect, all right, but you wouldn't appear to be a total madman with that choice. Sure, your team would look like the greatest mechanics who ever lived if your Jag managed to finish 25 laps under its own power, but where's the Lunatic Factor? That's why you need to consider a car with a 5/95 weight distribution, primitive suspension, and a flimsy fiberglass body. Something, for example, such as this VW-based dune buggy with Olds Toronado transaxle assembly (go here if the ad disappears), which has an asking price of only $450 (or a "NEW OR NEWER HIGHER END LAPTOP"). It doesn't come with the 455 engine, but that's no problem. You see, that transmission has the BOP bolt pattern, which means a huge range of Buick, Oldsmobile, and Pontiac V8s- all available in $50 junker cars in a location near you- may be bolted right in. Oh, and did we mention that Cadillac V8s also used the BOP pattern? No? That means the 500-cube V8 out of the Eldorado will bolt right onto this baby! Just imagine it, if you can: a spindly VW dune buggy with a five hundred cubic inch engine hanging off the back! You might have some oversteer problems at the race, not to mention interesting handling characteristics when you pull the front wheels off the ground under hard acceleration, but you'll have the advantage of a wide berth from all the other drivers on the track. We recommend a really good roll cage, and even better life insurance!
Comments
Jaguar all the way. The '91 model year had the murderous combination of Lucas secondary electrics but a Marelli dual-distributor-synchronized system that was famous for malfunctioning and dumping unburnt fuel in the exhaust when one of its symmetrical modules failed. I wouldn't be surprised if that V12 is sold as 'extra crispy'.
Two cars, both just begging for a big ol V-8 to be put in them. Had to go with the dune buggy for the pure insanity. I think this is the same one that was for sale a while back with the engine. Looks like someone bought it for the engine.
how about hooking/chaining/jw transdapter the jag v12 to the oldsbuggys transaxle.
how dartlopnik would that be?
Jag. Effing Nightmare. Nuf said.
Perfect car for LeMons if you want to tow it to the pits, fill the trunk with ice and serve beers out of it.
The dune buggy is a freak show, but with so few moving parts how much could you screw it up?
Since the idea is to be able to enter LeMons I'm going to have to go with the Jag. I have my doubts about whether the buggy would be allowed to enter. It's definitely more insane but I'm guessing there would be "safety concerns" from their insurance company.
you would not even need a adapter.jags came with gm turbohydromatic autoboxs
Want to be a dignified legend? Jag, of course.
The King of Hoons? The buggy. (High end lap top for $450? He really is nuts.)
Failure is painful. But if the failure is spectacular enough, the pain lasts but a moment. The fame lives on forever!
LeMons entries have to be certified for sale in the US at the time of manufacture. I'm not sure the Dune buggy qualifies just because there are some beetle parts in there somewhere.
Also, I want to nominate "awe, fear and pity" inspired in spectators as a new designation for certain vehicles. Like the ones here.
OH, it's a Jag AFP edition.
Of course it could be FAP but that's old. And PAF is awful if you've ever been near an HR dept.
I was going to go with the Jag XJ-S because, well, it's an XJ-S. It's got Lucas electrics and all the stuff that makes people fear old British cars, but it lacks one of the things that make old British cars fun: Something like an MG Midget or Triumph Spitfire can be held together with baling wire and happy thoughts, but an XJ-S is going to require an entire garage to keep it going.
But then I saw a dune buggy with a Toronado drivetrain. Good lord, that may be the most Jaloptastic car ever built. The very thought terrifies me. It might have balanced handling, though, in the sense that the massive oversteer inherent in such a vehicle can be counteracted by hitting the gas, thus lifting the front wheels off the ground. Go into the turn with the rear wheels sliding, hit the apex when the car is approximately neutral, and then power out with the front wheels barely touching the pavement. You'll either be very fast or very dead.
Two V12s? That is like 24 total Vs right?
Have to go with the Jag on this one. With the buggy, all you have to do is carry around a bag of Hershey bars to feed that stuttering freak.
Teh Jag, I mean, come on! No contest.
Not, we just need to find some Tata badging aroung here somewheres. . . .
*now
NEED EDIT BUTTON!!!!
how much aluminum is in a 91 jag? at .65/lb, it might be worth it just for the scrap
Jaguar, no brainer.
First, four worthless, one blurry, one overexposed pictures showing nothing but interior pain.
Second, it's in Surprise, AZ. As in surprise, it's a complete disaster!
You'd be a legend of the Lemons with that dune buggy all right. With any luck, the teams would come back to pour a Dos Equis on your gravesite on the anniversary of the race.
Wait a minute... Murilee, are you gipping me out of one of them there fancy dress shirts you make, or am I (gasp) simply thinking like you? I sent this Jag over with a couple other doozies last night as I persued the 'list for cars to dream of/have nightmares about. If you're going to hit me later with the goods cuz you have a full match for me, then sorry. If not, then I will chant a curse on you that involves Phoenix P.M. rush hour traffic in July, loaded cattle trucks, a 1983 Buick Regal with no a/c, no muffler, 15 broken vacuum connections, and a turbo with bad seals.
The dune buggy will kill you. I just don't think that is a very good light at the end of the tunnel.
The Jag on the other hand would be the perfect racer. Dump the EFI for a carb. Sand cast your own intake manifold. Go with an aftermarket ignition system (those are easy to find for a V12). Boom, no more electrical gremlins.
There are two main problems with the buggy.
1. It's so incredibly hoon-tastically stupid that it'll never be allowed to race. And even if it was, you'd kill yourself anyway.
2. The car could be completed by 95% of all 3rd-year high-school automotive shop students.
On the other hand, the Jaguar would be a glorious car to drive, and the XJ- series has already made appearances at various other LeMons races, where, despite the removal of all things Lucas and a carbureted American V8, they often fail in a spectacular fashion anyway.
@Spasticteapot: It was amazing how the normally bulletproof Quadrajet kept having problems on the zebra-striped SBC-powered Jag at Thunderhill. Is there a Joe Lucas Reliability Distortion Field under the bonnet?
good lord, i'd pay to see someone try and drive a vw dune bugger with a 500 cid monstrosity belching flames as it tries to launch the whole assembly skyward, as one piece or several... truly a Jalop staff car if there ever was one..
Blighty Rules!
If that Jag was closer, I'd buy it. I just can't pass up a V12 for $500. That's how I ended up with my '87.
($500 not running, but it fired right up when I plugged back in the fuel pump)
The Jag "needs engine overhaul," meaning that the heads have been taken off. I'm sure it's no problem that a little tuneup couldn't fix.
I really want to see that Buggy race. All you need is a giant NASCAR-spec roll cage in the passenger compartment, and maybe a nomex race suit. But only if you're a coward.
if you choose the jag.. your life will be a constant headache...but at least you will have a good looking sort of working v12 car...
at the other hand.. you can fix easly this fine example of a "redneckmobile", choosing a wide variety of engines...
with the jag you will look like an oldfashioned gentleman...and some day maybe in 20 years you will have a clasic...with the buggy... you will look like one of the banana splits... it will be fun but you will look ridiculous...
so my choice is the "Shaguar"..
The dune buggy. Weld up a roll cage, strap yourself in and you've bought a one-way ticket to a carnival of fiery plastic death.. the insanity needle is in the red. The Jag would most likely leave you stranded whereas the buggy would rocket you to hell in fiery ball of metal plastic and rubber! both cars may end up with a DNF but only one could leave an indelible stain in the process.
I am drawn to the batshit lunacy of the dune buggy, but consider myself more dignified than that. So obviously, I voted Jag, with the intention of welding the two V12's together end to end and moving the driver seat back a tad. Batshit...but with dignity.
@SundaySunday: Can we get a COTD part deux?
I cannot believe these two are tied up right now; my first thought was that this had to be the most lopsided pairing yet. A Jag against a craptastic dune buggy (that's never seen a dune in its pathetic life)?
God save the Queen!
The XJ-S is secretly one of my favourite Jaguars.
A dune buggy? Too common, too pointless and too high a center of gravity to even consider bringing it on a racetrack.
You could make that XJ-S pretty damn fast too. LeMons prohibits going the Top Gear nitrous route, but strip all the interior out, change the exhaust and intake and give her a tune and you're looking at a winner.
I would have that XJ-S and try to make it a daily driver though. It wouldn't be reliable, but it would be cool and I'd be happy and feel (quite unjustifiably) classy cruising around in it. It would be a good fun car to have if I lived in an area with reliable public transit. LeMons is sweet, but they have a strange way of destroying your car so you sort of want to enter something ugly. Something like a fox-body lincoln, something that you kind of hate so you don't mind mixing it up a bit, and if it gets crushed, it gets crushed.
@Evil-Jeremy: I'm pretty sure nitrous is allowed at LeMons, as long as you can squeeze your system cost within the $500 budget.
Gotta go with the dune buggy. The Jag is an electronic nightmare, but a Cad 472 is stone simple. It would be just the sickest thing yet. Put wheelie bars on the back and a front bumper made out of 90 pound railroad track and it may be drivable. barely.
I'm impressed by how close these are. Jag's complexity is enough to make it my choice.
Aaaarrrggggg....I tied it. Oh well, my love for Jags is as deep as my love for V12's.
The backwoods redneck in me says dune buggy, but I don't think that an Olds Tornado driveline is hellish enough. My vote must go to the Jag. My heart says buy both and have a British headache, and a V12-powered chariot of death. Field both at a LeMons event and live forever in the annals of hoonage. Mmmmmm....V12 dune buggy.
With 2 engines available and the aforementioned welder, you could have a V-24 dune buggy (with Lucas electronics). Awesome.
@sneaky_j: I think a V12 at each end of the dune buggy would give you a nice safe AWD setup.
The Jag, no question. A V-12 and the Prince of darkness, beats a buggy that looks even more dangerous than the Hyabusa kart from a few weeks ago.
Now If we were talking serious carnage..............
After having lots and lots of fun helping a coworker with maintenance on her '88 XJ6, I can only imagine how little sleep I would get before grid with the "Jaggernaut."
BTW anyone need a Haynes manual for an 88-94 XJ6? Drop me a PM. Oh, wait, this isn't a message board.
Murilee, can we get a Jalopnik Forum/msg board up stat?
Racing luxury cars is always always always cool.
I love Jag depreciation. XJS gets unloaded just dirt cheap. I did a quick search over the rest of the Phoenix craigslist and found several deals.
An '87 in "ver good condition, little interior work needed, needs brain." - $1000
Another '87 sans engine or trans: $500
For a false sense of security, a one-owner '89 with 50k original miles: $8900
They really are pretty cars, and considering the ease of putting any american small block drivetrain in, how bad could it be? Just remove all the wiring and start from scratch. Headlights, ignition...what else is there? To stay under $500 you're going to need to have a free or dirt cheap engine on hand...
@carless: is that a walki?!?!?!
those kick arse.
As the former owner of an '88 XJ-S V12, I've got to go with the Jag. There's no hell like Jag hell.
Bought it in '96 with the insurance proceeds from my totalled '72 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow (that's another story entirely.) With frequent breakdowns, $1200 tuneups and monthly trips to the shop, I soon realized I could lease a brand-new Mercedes for the amount of money I was dumping into my nearly 10-year-old Jaguar.
I must say, the women loved it though...
There is hardly anything on the Internets that scares me. That dune buggy scares me.
And there's something funny (not funny ha-ha) going on with its front wheels too.