I thought off-road was spelled "U-N-I-M-O-G"?

Smells like crap, drives like crap, makes the owner look like a poseur. Mmm, tasty.

Manufacturer: Hummer? Thought they were made by GM?

• EPA Fuel economy city/highway: N/A

That about covers it.

I have never noticed the "suitability parameters" before. Is this new, or have I just been asleep at the wheel? It may be the most perfect add-on to any car review ever, because really, everyone's thinking it.

Keep this up, and I'm going to start declaring you guys saints. Or just knights. Wait, do Popes still get knights? Fine, I'll make you Cardinals instead. Like Tim Curry in that movie with the three ambiguously gay guys with swords. You get to wear red pyjamas!

@Pope Dearthair the Awesometh: That's always been there, at least as long as I've been visiting (couple years).

@Pope Dearthair the Awesometh: Thanks. I think.

@Paul Y. Rocks: Amen, brotha.

Aaaaaaand I'm back to autotrader.ca and eBay to find me a Unimog.

@Wes Siler: No, Acting Ensign Wesley, you have to stick with the season-one gray pyjamas with the red-blue-yellow stripes. No red pyjamas for you.

But I'm an editor now, surely that carries with it the Red Romper Suit?? Or is that reserved for Ray alone?

Can I get it with that ass-kickin' 5-cylinder?

@Paul Y. Rocks: That has to be the only vehicle that will put an H1 to shame. Although, the more nimble CJ5's with flexible leafs and Revolver shackles are a great deal of fun off road going places where the bigger Mogs and Hummers cannot make it.

Also, 33X9.50 tires rock when wheeling, but not mud bogging or running on sand dunes.

@MustaineGT: If you want a tractor motor, get a Jeep TJ with the inline 6.

@Wes Siler: If you behave, we might upgrade you to Will-Probably-Get-Shot-On-Away-Missions Yellow.

This actually reminds me of something relevant.

If Hummer made a vehicle that was half as awesome as that offroad thing Picard drove in Nemesis, I would have more respect for them. As it is, this thing is like putting heavy-duty offroad gear in a Gallardo. It's never going off-road. Why even bother?

I pretty much skipped reading these, except for the piquant summaries.

Hummer.
It's a bummer.
Nothing dumber.

This thing is deader than D. B. Cooper. I call Fahrvergshadenfreudenungen!

+ Watch video

Woah...my PKE is showing high levels of nerd activity in here...better get out

@Dr.Danger: Yeah, sorry about that. I blame the fur-covered car from yesterday for starting the Tribble thread.

those wheels are awful! (but I actually kind of dig them) what do you guys think?

Those are some great pictures.

@nick2ny: I kind of dig the truck but not really the wheels. Or any of the electronic BS. Strip one of those babies down to window cranks and rubber floors, radio delete, lose the fluff, stamp a Chevy emblem on it, call it an S-10, charge $17K for it tops and I'll be there.

I'm not holding my breath. But they built me a car so I can't bitch. I was the only one that bought one, it must have been for me.

Also consider: Murdering yourself. Starting your own island nation free of oppressive liberals and oxygen. Ted Danson.

@cgarison: H1's aren't really the rock crawling type vehicle, but they certainly are capable off-roads. The HMMWV was more designed for desert operations, closer to a Baja car than a rock crawler. A Jeep, however, can be a very capable rock crawler given the right tires and other modifications.

Also consider:
Chevrolet Colorado/GMC Canyon, esp. if you were looking at the base Hummer, since they're the same friggin' truck, but for a lot less money.

P.S. Did I mention I really enjoy driving my Colorado Crew Cab? I mean, today?

@smalleyxb122: Well, the Trailblazer EXT (which is about the same size and weight, and uses the same engine) gets 13/18.

I'd like to know how suitable one of these is for a paranoid survivalist.

5.2 Liter SOHC V8? Since when is GM manufacturing overhead cam V8s?

Bo knows sports. Curtis Walker knows low light photography.

@SundaySunday: I'm a fan of the Colorado too, drove one on the frozen Baltic Sea a few years back and was seriously impressed.

@SundaySunday: The last time I asked the dealer, they still hadn't seen a stripped down Canyon. They all come with carpet and radios and other luxurious appointments (heh). That doesn't really work for me. I want plain dammit, gimme some gauges and a glove box. And I still think the S-10 is a better looking truck but that's not a major consideration.

@mytdawg: Mine's pretty basic, but it's a Crew Cab, so you get power windows, mirrors, AC, CD player etc. But I know what you're saying. Pretty much the big 3 have done away with the old "plumber's special" in their small trucks.

I can barely remember my grandfather's Chevy Luv pickup: AM radio, single bench seat from door to door, fiberglass cap. And that was well into the 1970's.

@mytdawg: How attached are you to a manual transmission? I've seen a handful of stripped Colorados at work (we've got one as a rental vehicle), but out of all the ones we've had in for service I've seen exactly one with a clutch.

Who should buy this car: Anybody with an excessively small penis and a peanut for a brain!

wow that's a long list of "no's" in the Suitability Parameters, is this thing suitable for anyone?

And what's with the N/A price? You're publishing a review of a car but don't have a clue what the price might start at?

i fixed the Suitability Parameters

Suitability Parameters:
Speed Merchants: No
Fashion Victims: No
Treehuggers: No
Mack Daddies: Yes
Tuner Crowd: No
Hairdressers: No
Penny Pinchers: No
Euro Snobs: No
Working Stiffs: No
Technogeeks: No
Poseurs: Yes
Soccer Moms: No
Nascar Dads: No
Golfing Grandparents: No
Penis Challenged: YES!

@iamjames: The price hasn't been announced yet.

@Maymar: I prefer the manual, however the kicker is that I want 4WD. That screws up everything. You can get a full size 4WD truck for the price of a Colorado 4WD.

I'm so tired of hummers they need to stop trying to be a jeep and focus on there main market....dentists, and snobby housewives!

@Chris_Smith: Oops. Good catch. Should have read: 5.3L OHV.