We all love the mythology of Area 51 and all, but when it comes to great exercises in pop-cultural paranoia, secret bases in the desert and under ground skunkworks lose out to... New York City. Our home for the past few days, as we take in the New York Auto Show. Whenever we're here and thinking about, you know, black-helicopter/freelance army-type conspiracies, we're reminded of Three Days of the Condor, Marathon Man, and of course, Men in Black. The Jalopnik commenters, who have been working overtime the past few days, also think these thoughts, of shadowy para-entities and their nefarious doings. And some transform these thoughts into...well, let's call it "inspired paranoid narrative."

Our COTD goes to... Lascauxcaveman, who spun this yarn—a magnum opus, really—out of Murilee's DOTS post on the Porsche 912:

Murilee - since your own fiction includes heaping helpings of the goofy and perverse, maybe you should consider your case for the basis of a novel:
A Pynchonesqe tale of a harmlessly eccentric gearhead slacker who gets his kicks photographing old cars on the neighborhood streets of an unnamed northern California town, and gets noticed shooting snaps of a nice '69 Charger - hours before it gets stolen.

A quirky, brilliant, psychologically-tilted, Camus-quoting automaton of a cop gets assigned to the case and after arresting our hero (who, due to a clerical error, is minutes away from being water-boarded by C.I.A. agents), realizes the real culprits can be seen in the murky background of one of his photos. This turns out to be their first lead in infiltrating a shadowy international drugs n' carjacking n' stolen antiquities ring involving a psychotic doomsday society (modeled on the creepier elements of both the Masons and Opus Dei) and a elite army of underage kidnapped Asian hookers who have rebelled against their captors/pimps, secretly led by a charismatic bass-playing former 60's radical bombmaker who has ostensibly retired to Berkely to be a social worker.

All this tortuously leads up to an unlikely cataclysmic battle scene climax ambiguously involving space aliens - or perhaps fake covert U.S. federal government space aliens- plotting to throw a monkeywrench into a feverishly rumored 7-way merger of Boeing, Airbus, GM, the Republic of Uruguay, Exxon, Apple Computer, and FritoLay - taking place at the base of the Coit Tower (or maybe the Transamerica building; gotta work pyramids into the story somehow).

Sort of a V. meets Gone in 60 Seconds by way of Vineland and/or Still Life with Woodpecker.

If it comes to the big screen, I got dibs on the Pig Bodine cameo.

We'd buy the book and see the movie.

6:00 PM on Thu Mar 20 2008
By Matthew DeBord
1,004 views
40 comments

Comments

Unevolved 8.04 at 06:09 PM on 03/20/08
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Wow. Just wow.
graverobber- Two BEER... at 06:11 PM on 03/20/08
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Oh hell yes! I'll also play the video game, watch the short-lived TV series spin-off, eat the cereal and take the lunch box to school.

Cheers to the warped genius of Lascauxcaveman!

BTW, Murilee's DOTS post was of a Porsche 912, however should a 926 ever appear on the craggy, sun-drenched streets of Alameda, He'll be the first to document it.
charles_barrett at 06:12 PM on 03/20/08
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I concur completely, and who's gonna get CAA on the phone and shop this treatment to the Hollywood studios... Defamer, we need your help and rolodex STAT...!
Tomsk at 06:13 PM on 03/20/08
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@Unevolved: You can say that again.

By the way: What's a Porsche 926? A 928 with a 911 engine dropped in the trunk? A camino version of the 924? I must know now.
mikedrawcar is back!... at 06:16 PM on 03/20/08
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i figured Lascaux as the bomb-making character.

heh heh, just kidding, Caveman! *backing away slowly*
POLAЯBEEЯ at 06:27 PM on 03/20/08
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After reading that...
I have my doubts he's actually a caveman...

but tonight he's gonna party like it's 19999 B.C.

Congrats Cave brother.
lascauxcaveman at 06:31 PM on 03/20/08
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@Unevolved: @graverobber: @charles_barrett: Dudes, you are too kind. If there is any genius involved here, it's all borrowed from the master of masters: Thomas Ruggles Pynchon. [en.wikipedia.org]

Kids, I promise you, if you carefully read and savor every word he's ever written, you can not only write comments like that, but you'll think like that. All the time!

It's fun.

Really.
FLB at 06:32 PM on 03/20/08
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Don't Cavemen already have a TV show?
lascauxcaveman at 06:33 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: (Bwahhahahahahahahh)
Schm is not... at 06:42 PM on 03/20/08
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@FLB: Ya, but i think it got cancelled. Anyways, I think this caveman is French. French Cavemen were spinning yarns like this thoudands of years before they build the first Peugot.
POLAЯBEEЯ at 06:50 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: Is that the guy
who played Balki Bartokomous ?
drauzy at 06:51 PM on 03/20/08
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Type 926 was an off-road production car design... in '73.
RoninianHoon at 07:01 PM on 03/20/08
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ZING! Lascauxcaveman! ZING!

Your comment is not unlike the "Brown note" but only in the sense it induces through the eye; uncontrollable laughter and intense compilation of thoughts upon the cyber pages of Jalopnik. Congrats on the new cow prod for the brain hamsters....
beercheck at 07:01 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: I loved him in "Perfect Strangers".
beercheck at 07:01 PM on 03/20/08
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@JALOPOLAЯAISE: Goddamn you.
jnostalgics at 07:16 PM on 03/20/08
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@JALOPOLAЯAISE: No, it's Serrrrrj.
lascauxcaveman at 07:16 PM on 03/20/08
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@JALOPOLAЯAISE: Hoo boy, Cousin Ogg is pissed at you, Polar. Posting images of his copyrighted intellectual property here, and un-attributed, no less? You'll be be getting a visit from his agent/lawyer.

Hope you can run faster than a sabre-toothed tiger.
BartMack at 07:29 PM on 03/20/08
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Hey, laugh all you want, but this identical scenario happened in Miami in 2003. Only most of the players were transvestites and the corporations about to merge were limited to 2 supermarkets and a real estate firm and several nightclubs. Oh, and Prince was involved. But the space aliens were real. I'm not kidding.
Braff S. Preston, Esq. at 07:31 PM on 03/20/08
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@jnostalgics: when you say it, Akwell, it sounds like a detergent...
Mad_Science at 07:50 PM on 03/20/08
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Completely off-topic, but what happened to Wert's TSX review?

It was supposed to show up at noon today, no?
UDMan at 07:57 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: I have to wonder, after reading you're inspiring comment, please tell me, do you acyually have any time for work? I can't even begin to espouse the type of poetry that seems to come from your mind, and I still can't seem to get any work done.... Congrats!

At least you didn't have to complain about Orange!
NovaloadMissesPolar at 09:01 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: Brilliant. When I put forth theories like that to my family they accuse of being paranoid and strange! Go figure.
lascauxcaveman at 09:16 PM on 03/20/08
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@UDMan: The unglamorous truth is, I'm independently wealthy.

And under doctors orders, I have to dose myself with good single malt scotch and (medical) marijuana each and morning in order to stave off a rare, congenital form of normality that haunts my benighted family line. It causes the mind to wander a bit.

But every afternoon, I'm brought back into focus by the mandatory massages (cardio & anti-clotting) and also uh, I think they call it "erotic stimulation come to fruition" (prostate health) administered by well-paid professionals flown in from Japan and Denmark, respectively.

It's hell.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, every man, however humble his station in life, needs a hobby.
om nom de plume at 09:40 PM on 03/20/08
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Seriously though, love me some Tom Robbins!!
CafeRacer1200 at 10:12 PM on 03/20/08
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Mind-bendingly brilliant! A most deserved COTD.
mikedrawcar is back!... at 10:28 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: is his lawyer an unfrozen caveman too?

[video.google.com]
SundaySunday at 10:28 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: We're not worthy! Seriously, good work! You'll let us know if you get this/any screenplay greenlighted, right?
charles_barrett at 10:35 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman:
Dude...! I am in dire need of the same therapies, and am thus far inclined to self-medicate, so drop me a line as to how you cope...; maybe I can replicate your success...
lascauxcaveman at 11:09 PM on 03/20/08
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@charles_barrett: It's all a part of my proven 12-Step Program:

Step 1 : Become independently wealthy
Step 2-12: Do whatever the hell you want.

Simplicity itself!
smokyburnout at 11:37 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: you can't overstate the importance of step 1... i'm basically doing steps 2-12 at the moment, but skipping step 1 puts a lot of limitations on things.
RoninianHoon at 11:47 PM on 03/20/08
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@lascauxcaveman: Then why not get paid by the jalopi overlords?
wonkydonky at 01:32 AM on 03/21/08
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@lascauxcaveman: SPUMY FUCKING FLINDERS COTD by lascauxcaveman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jee-Zus!
Lascaux, will you please be one of the 2nd draft readers for my novel?!?!?!?!?!?!?
lascauxcaveman at 02:54 AM on 03/21/08
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@I'm so Malaise I can't taste it!!!!!!!!!11: I'm touched, really. And while I'm fond of my insurance peddling brethren, I would like to take this op to mention that I existed in the form of Lascauxcaveman before those guys were born. (Sorry if that sounds like territorial pissing, but that's what cavemen do.)

@RoninianHoon: You think they'd pay for stuff they can get for free? Surely they can't be that stupid? Also I have the same disadvantage as Polar; I'm not really that interested in uh, whadayacallem? Oh yeah, 'cars.'

Remember, I'm the noisy crank that's always evangelizing EV's, hoping and praying to the one true god (Flying Spaghetti Monster, natch) that EV's may come to save us from ourselves, and soon. (Hmm... EV's...maybe that could be my beat. They don't actually exist, there's a strong, negative, chest thumping troglodyte reaction against them every time Jalop puts up a post about them, I don't really know jack about the subject... it's PERFECT!) Best set up a meeting of minds with Wert and/or Denton.

@spaceman7: If you've got one, I'll mark it up for you, for reals. Message me with your email if you want me to have crack at it.

I've got to warn you however, I'm a much better editor than I am a writer. Translation: If it's complete shit, I'll tell you. (But by god, the spelling and grammar will be unassailable when I'm done with it!)
mwoeber at 02:57 AM on 03/21/08
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But seriously, what did Wert drive to his reunion?
pitchpitch Type-Я at 06:57 AM on 03/21/08
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@mwoeber:

The world may never know...
Matthew DeBord at 07:22 AM on 03/21/08
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Ugh! I meant to change that 926 snafu to 912, but they were kicking us out of the NYAS press room. Thanks to those that pointed out the error.
dolo54 at 08:33 AM on 03/21/08
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You left out the NWO and the Trilateral Commission but I think you got in everything else. good job.
Scroggzilla Raids Again! at 09:28 AM on 03/21/08
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@lascauxcaveman: So that's your secret: wealth x single malts x pot x massage x erotic massage x pynchon = brilliance

I've been trying the "unemployment x no drugs x no alcohol x no massage of any kind x h.p. lovecraft x kaiju eiga" formula for COTD.

Not only has it failed miserably, but Nyarlathotep and Daimaijin have kicked me off their buddy lists.
LuciferV8 at 09:39 AM on 03/21/08
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Damn, that one took some effort.
All I can say is:
Bravo!
Bravo, my good (cave)man!
clank-o-tron at 04:28 PM on 03/21/08
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@Scroggzilla: Sounds like your formula would get you a COTD nomination from me at some point.

Ia! Ia!