Jalopnik
Well, the Jeep FC-150 obliterated the Spanish 2CV in yesterday's Choose Your Eternity poll, no doubt because even an Hecho en España label doesn't add enough weight on either side of the Cool/Hell scale when you're looking at a 2CV. However, we shouldn't start to thinking that France isn't a PCH superpower just because the 2CV was too simple to be truly hellish... which is why we're going with an all-French matchup for today's choices.
How much fun can you have in a car with less than one liter of engine displacement? Aside from jumping a Chevy Sprint, that is? Just watch the video below to see:
That's a Simca 1000 there (and yes, we know the car in the video probably has more than the factory's 944 screamin' CCs of displacement), and you can have one! Just hand over $1,300 to the seller of this 1968 Simca 1000 GLS (go here if the ad disappears), and you'll have taken the first- and no doubt easiest- of many, many, many steps towards your goal. Like so many project cars, the best thing this one's seller can say about its engine is that it's not seized (plus "have not tried very hard to start it nor have I checked compression yet have not had the time"). There's some important stuff missing, but not to worry- the seller has "found a place in France that has parts," which is practically like having them in your own garage!
We can never have too many Citröen SMs in Project Car Hell, because it's just so perfect: intolerably cool and absolutely impossible to keep running. Last time we saw an SM here, it beat a Jaguar E-Type, though not by much; today we're going to see how the SM- or, rather, two SMs- fare against a fellow French machine. Yes, it's a two-for-one '72 SM deal here; we don't know the reserve price, but the seller has "Lost interest and storage" and will probably listen to reason even if the reserve isn't met by the auction's close. The seller seems to think one of the two is nicer than the other (the one with the "Engine in car, but apart, Have most pieces to reassemble entire car" description) and the other is a parts car "but could be restored." Most likely what you get is two SM-themed packages of random Citröen parts, sort of like taking two jigsaw puzzles, flushing them down the toilet, then fishing all the pieces you can find out of the settling tanks at the local sewage treatment facility and trying to assemble one complete puzzle out of them. But don't despair- just imagine having a finished project that can do this (the driving part, not the domestic violence part):
Comments
Has to be two SMs - I mean, one is better than two, right? Right?
The more SM's, the more hellish!
Seriously? Is this even a question? When just one SM beat an E-Type?
Hey, is this one of those retardical questions?
S[&]M all the way.
I think the SMs from Longest Yard were better shape after the chase than either one of these.
The Road Runner, the Chevy Caprice, the Citroen SM. They all shared Motor Trend's "Kiss of Death", the Car of the Year award.
Get me down in the dungeon for a double helping of S and M.
I need the following in my perverse, painfull, ill-advised, absurd and oh so rewarding personal hell:
Italian engine plumbing and electronics; French bodyshell durability; Mysterious hydropneumatic suspension (with spheres for foxache); ker-ayze left-bank Buck Rogers styling; and the thrill of knowing that nobody, nobody, has the first idea what the hell your car is.
Your neighbours, who have their suspicions already, have just confirmed your insanity.
Like choosing to adopt a Rhino and keep it in the bathroom. Citroen SM.
'cos it's fucking mental.
Hydropneumatic. Impossible to say it three times fast. SM it is.
Dean Martin said it best, when co-starring with Burt Reynolds in the Cannonball Run: "S-M All!"
Okay, so the quote in this case was in reference to Sammy Davis Jr's stature, but it could also refer to SMs in any PCH competition!
@Rust-MyEnemy: I LOL'd. That's the only logical answer AND COTD right there: "Citroen SM. 'Cos it's fucking mental".
@PatFromGundo: Damn my lazy-ass single finger typing. You beat me to the S+M gag
double dose of French-tacular hell. Not even much of a contest. I pretty much echo what Rust-myenemy said.
Simca FTW!
Can we all agree that any hydropneumatic Citroen wins any PCH poll by default?
I mean, it's not even fair. Like drag-racing your stock Chevette against a LP640.
@thunder: Pourquoi?
Get the SMs and turn them into your own SM-amino, like this one: [www.infoweb.nl]
Goes Like Stink?
The innovation by Marquis de Sade may have inspired this Citroen's name, but it is by no means the only wonderful Gallic invention awaiting your discovery!
@p161911: Thoughtcrime!
I hurt my face trying not to laugh out loud at the toilet analogy. If just reading about it hurts, I can't even imagine actually working on the cars. So, SMs it is.
If the ridiculously complicated Citroen doesn't get you the Maserati engine will.
Poor little Simca. Already a joyful bitty package of awesome in it's own right, but the lure and siren song of the two French dominatrix chariots is far too strong a force. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can possibly beat the SM pair. Except maybe a pair of DS's.
No contest the S&M wins, I shall use the Black & Decker tools ro restore and enjoy the BDSM experience
Well, the Simca was a Mopar right? So finding parts for it can't be too much harder than sourcing, say, a 1970 Dodge Dart, right? No sweat.
I think the S&M is going to beat just about anything you can come up with anyway.
I'll take a little S&M in my PCH, please.
The duet of two of these would make you change your religion.
I'm sure the SM would be more hell, but my overall theory with PCH is that I would actually want the car when it's "done". Even a perfect condition SM is so ugly that I'd have to park it on the street in front of the neighbor's house. You know, the house which has the black F350 extended cab with the 8" lift kit.
At least with the Simca I could drop in a 22R and have some fun.
How much do you want to bet that Burt actually was drinking when that was filmed and actually smacked that girl around? I can just see it.
Director "and, ACTION"
Director "Cut, cut. Burt, you're supposed to kiss her, not smack her head against the wall"
Burt "Fuck you, dick. I ain't doin' it again. Now get me another scotch"
Director to writer "Shit. Oh well, rewrite the script so this all makes sense."
Cameraman "Oh shit, now he took off with the car! I'll follow him with the van and film it"
@Zarba: Not till we've had a PCH Ultimate Showdown between an SM and a Tatra 603 (or maybe a GS Birotor).
That'll separate the madmen from the lunatics.
I would KILL. for that HORN.
The SM is the ultimate definition of project car hell.
If only I had that kind of money... I would install these in my car in a second. Assuming of course that those are the stock horns in the film.
[cgi.ebay.com]
I hate Jalopnik... They already wanted me to buy a Sm, now they make me want to buy 2!
This is a trick question right? 2 SM's? This defines Project Car Hell for all eternity.
Off topic, Murilee, I hope you're not going anywhere for a while!
SM's - because in theory two of them should give you a better chance at getting one running. Until you factor in that they are both Citroens - which now reduces your chances by 50% ...
Murilee, this is not a fair contest. Now, if the Simca came with a life threatening disease and a multi-year relationship with Brittany Spears, then MAYBE your choices acheive a degree of parity with a pair of SM's.
I still have no idea how the XK-E lost to the citroen the last time.
Well, if you go with the SMs, you'll end up with TWO unsellable high maintenance cars for your efforts (and cubic dollars)..
Yeah, this is unfair. Two Citroens beat almost one of anything else, especially a lowly Simca--even with--all the hyphens--the owner--put in. What is that, a poem by Emily Dickenson?
I love you Simca. I love you I love you I love you. That said, two SMs is absolutely mental.
Well they say there is a first time for everything.
Well today is the day I'm actually going to vote for a
Citroen. Well done...F'n Frenchies!
Still had to vote for the Simca. I just love 'em so much, if I had a garage I'd have to get it.
Dude. GS Birotor, just for the hell of it. Heh- I can see it now: an RO80 as a parts car. Oh- on topic. I'm seriously Citroen 'old school'. Twin SM FTW.
Damn! Is there anything The Bandit can't drive into awesome? If only Citroen sold a few of these with a black paint job and a screaming chicken on the hood. Oh, and T-tops. Gotta have those.
Also, that SM sounds and looks badass. Loved how high the car was during the chase.
That said, two busted SMs will definitely make you re-enact the domestic violence part, mostly with yourself. Mostly.
One of my favorite Spanish songs:
"Para hacer amor es dificil/en un Simca Mil"
I've owned a Citroen SM, and you have no idea of the depths of hell you will reach with one... much less two. They get my vote.
The settling tank metaphor was dy no mite!
The Simca looks like a clone of a Renault R 8 to me.
Even a crazy person like myself would avoid a basket Citroen. Jay Leno, with a full time mechanic and limitless dollars couldn't put that Humpty Dumpty back together again.
The Simca that resembles a Renault only has 12 moving parts, and crystal radio era electronics, so barring terminal rust, it could be made whole again. Why, I dunno.
I voted for the Fiat.
i wonder who the crazy guy bidding on it is?
Simca: better for record-setting visits to the Louvre.
SM: better than the Louvre. The 1.5 of them up for auction should yield 0.75 of a deeply troubled car.
Perverse advantage: SM.
PCH: everything else
I must admit I was seriously tempted to bid on the SMs... but getting them from Colorado to California would be like having to eat 100 cockroaches before pulling out all your toenails and dipping your feet in Everclear.