Dang. We know Jeremy is a bit of a crank and prone to bouts of overwrought, under-accurate vitriol, but he actually goes on record saying he would prefer a goat to the new Mini Clubman. Not a GTO mind you, but a can-eating goat. Why? Well, one reason is England-only (and Japan, and OZ) — the 3rd half-door is on the driver's side over in Old Blighty (snicker). His other reasons — massive torque steer, no rear-visibility, a natural predilection to cruise at 110 mph — well, Clarkson doesn't like any of that. As always, we're reserving judgment until we drive the little medium squirt. However, we will pass judgment on the following:

Please have a wonderful Christmas. Drink too much. Eat too much. Don't feel guilty about the presents you give or those that you receive. Care not for your carbon footprint or the impact of your naked consumerism. Be happy. And remember, you are having a much better time than Gordon Brown because he has no friends and you've got lots.

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