Man Given Probation for Sexing His Bike, Schwinn!S

It keeps happening. This time, a british man has been given probation after a "sexually aggravated breach of the peace" that involved him attempting to, ahem, mount his bike. According to the local police the man's cleaners found him "holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex." The man initially claimed that he had been drinking and there had been some sort of misunderstanding. Maybe the bike was teasing him?

Sheriff Colin Miller was the unlucky person stuck with having to give the quote to the press: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Oh God! We think we knew what's happening to all those Rare Falcons. Where's Beowulf when you need him? [BBC News]