When a man's looking for an automobile that tells the world- nay, grabs the world by the lapels and screams high roller coming, you insignificant putz, you'd think that the Excalibur, Zimmer, and Stutz dealerships would pretty much have him covered. You would be wrong. Enter the '85 Johnson Phantom, now available on eBay. Who can guess which mid-80s GM car supplied the chassis? No fair looking up the VIN, folks! And that rear bumper- gadzooks! But don't place your bid quite yet, Mr. Big Shot- you'll need to look at the competition first!
Ah, the venerable Stutz Blackhawk. This '71 has a Paxton-blown Ford 428 and a claimed 700 horsepower, which is probably 580 more than the Johnson; not only that, Elvis Presley and Jack Lemmon are known to have ridden in it. And, the clincher: mink carpeting! Only problem we can see is that it's a little too restrained.
You really can't go wrong when you roll into Palm Springs in a Zimmer Golden Spirit; why, you could have several underage prostitutes chugging Dom Pérignon in the back and a loaded .45 sitting on the passenger seat and still get the key to the city. This '82 has a mere 4700 miles on the clock, so you know the luxury is still in full effect.
If you were having a tough time choosing between the Johnson, the Zimmer, and the Stutz, just wait until you take a look at this fine, fine, superfine 2000 Phoenix, manufactured by the legendary Phoenix Coachworks. The seller doesn't say much about it, but we think the photo says it all: this car will hit the proles' sensibilities with the impact of your 350-pound Russian bodyguard's brass knucks on some heckling scumbag's nads.
Aaah, the Excalibur, always a strong contender in a field such as this. Any Excalibur simply excretes class from every orifice, of course, but this '88 was actually featured on the TV show Lives of the Rich and Famous! The miserable worms that will gaze at you in awe from their chump-change rattletraps need never know that it's powered by a Chevy 305.
Let's say you just got your town's zoning laws changed to allow you to build a 10-story strip club with a giant neon sign spelling out "BUTT NAKED OH YEAH" in 100-foot animated letters visible from geostationary orbit, and you need to reward the city council members you paid off. What kind of car is best suited for taking them out for a night on the town? How about this '88 Tiffany? Not only does it reek of the sweet smell of success, you'll truly be rollin' in your 5.0, because this baby features genuine Ford power.
Naturally, such an important question needs to be put before the Jalopnik readership. Vote early and vote often!