I’ll just say up front that I know what I’m feeling here isn’t necessarily rational or reasonable, but I can’t deny what I feel, especially when it comes to vans. In fact, I probably have my most visceral emotions of any kind when it comes to vans, which may be why my reaction to the Nissan NV1500, 2500, and 3500 vans is so intense. They’re just wrong, and I can no longer stay quiet about it.

My entire issue comes down to proportions. I have very strong feelings about space utilization in vans: I’m a firm adherent to the belief that for ultimate van purity, the usable cargo and/or human volume of the van should command as much of the overall length of the van as possible.

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I was raised as a devout Cabover devotee, and I still carry those beliefs with me to this day. The space utilization of vans very likely forms the bedrock that my entire moral belief system. The Nissan NV1500, 2500, and 3500 series of vans is a direct affront to my core, van-based beliefs.

The reason for the NV’s heresy is all in its proportions, specifically the hood proportions. A true, pure, honest van, one that strives for the space-utilization ideals of Platonic Vandom, puts the spacial needs of cargo first, human occupants second, and its own mechanical-space needs last, in the most selflessly beautiful act a van can commit to a human.

Just compare the NV2500 to its direct competitors in the modern van world:

Every other major van-maker is at least trying to minimize the unusable length of the front hood area—except Nissan. It almost feels like a spiteful, willful act, that long Nissan hood, a defiant act of selfish arrogance.

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Look at the effort that clearly went into the Promaster to cram all of the oily bits into a short a snout as possible, bravely attempting to make parking easier and provide more room for people and stuff in the length of that van.

Even Chevy’s archaic Express, the last vehicle you can still buy new with sealed-goddamn-beam headlights, on that aging old workhorse you can tell that effort has been spent to make some attempt to keep that snout short.

Hell, on Nissan’s own NV200, their smaller line of vans, the space utilization is carefully considered, and those have an admirably short hood, because at least some people at Nissan have respect for the hard working men and women who load and park these crap-distributing vehicles every day.

But not the NV2500, or 3500, or even the smaller 1500. These are the jackasses of the van world, stupid and arrogant and clueless to the space-utilization sins they flaunt.

So, you miserable long-billed, space-wasting Nissan vans, I want you to know I’ve got your number. I’m watching you. I promise, that, as a lifelong follower of the Doctrine of Humane and Rational Space utilization, I proclaim eternal hostility to you and all your ill-proportioned ilk!

(thunder sounds)