Let me make one thing absolutely clear: the anthropomorphization of automobiles is important to me. I have a fictitious Master’s degree in Automobile Anthropomorphism, as well as an entirely fabricated Doctorate in Automotive Visigenomics. That’s why it’s important when I say this British advertisement has the worst talking car-face ever attempted.

This was sent to me by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. I am not able to thank the reader for sending me this, because of the pain this has caused me. I realize I am about to cause you the same pain, but I’m afraid it’s a pain we must endure to be certain that this affront to the fundamental dignity of humans and cars is never repeated.

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Okay. Are you ready? Here’s the ad. Brace yourself, and keep a terror-vomit bucket handy:

Take a moment to collect yourself.

Let’s just reflect on what we’ve seen here. The ad is for a British car insurance company called Churchill, and their mascot seems to be an animatronic bulldog. The bulldog is having a conversation with a Citroën Pluriel that’s broken down in the road. All seems fine so far, right?

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No. Not right. Because this dog is talking to the car from the rear. Remember, this is a staged advertisement. The makers of this ad could have positioned any of these elements anywhere they’d like. Someone made the decision that the dog should be addressing the car’s ass, and that the car’s face should be composed of the folded convertible top and the two front headrests.

Whoever made this decision should be in prison.

Why would any human being anthropomorphize a car like this? This method has no respect for cars, humans, or the fundamental physical structure of any vertebrate life.

This is like approaching someone to have a conversation, and then that person turns around, lifts up their shirt, and begins to address you from a pair of beady eyes and rubbery lips situated between their shoulder blades.

It’s fucking terrifying.

It’s not like the Citroën Pluriel lacks a coherent car face; it has a good, recognizable one that could have easily and properly been employed to talk to the stupid dog. Here, look:

I wouldn’t even have minded if they stuck eyes in the windshield. At this point, it’s so much better than what they decided, it’s not even funny.

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This whole situation is absolutely baffling. Sure, there’s a creepy talking car in this other Churchill ad, but that car has been crushed into a cube, and so the conventional, almighty-given car face is no longer an option. In the ad we’re talking about now, though, there was no reason why that dog couldn’t have addressed the anthropomorphic car to its actual face.

I’m not even certain whoever decided to make the car talk out of a disembodied, rear-facing non-face was even actually human. A human simply wouldn’t make such an insane condition.

In fact, based on the way the face looks, I think I have an idea of what species the person who designed this was: a Pa’lowick.

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In the off-chance you’ve forgotten, the best-known example of a Pa’lowick is Sy Snootles, lead singer of Max Rebo’s band that normally plays in the Jabba the Hutt’s palace/casino on Tatooine.

That’s really the only logical explanation here. Whoever decided that this is how a car’s face should look is either the same alien species as the noted stalked-eye-and-mouth singer from Star Wars, or, possibly because of some deranged fetish, is just a human who thinks talking cars need to resemble Sy Snootles.

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It doesn’t really matter why. All we need to know is that this is an abomination against everything good and right, and I can say without hyperbole that this is one of the worst crimes every perpetrated by the hand of man.

Together, we can fight this. As of this moment, I’m calling on the Churchill Car Insurance company to re-make this ad with a proper car-face, and issue an official apology to everyone, along with a pledge to follow the accepted universal rules of automotive anthropomorphization.

As it stands now, they appear to have no shame. Look at their website:

How did that car even manage to kiss that dog, anyway? None of this makes sense. The whole thing is a goddamn nightmare.

We can fight this. Together.