I am Indy: The Parade's the Thing, Part 1 — Helio's The Man


One of the big events on Indy Weekend is the IPL 500 Festival Parade, and yeah, we were there. Actually we weren't just there we were in the parade. We might have even flashed a "You're with me, leather" Deadspin logo on ESPN. Someone needs to check the TiVo and get back to us, asap. Also, Ray is maniac. But we're getting ahead of the story, check out part 2 if you want to get to the good stuff. In the meantime, here's a post of my random thoughts while watching the greatest show in Indy...on Memorial Day weekend...that is not the Indy 500.

It all started in the grandstands at noon...

...things took a turn for the sweet in the end, but the first three quarters of the parade were just not that thrililng. The guy sitting behind probably disagrees, though, judging by the number of times he said "now that's a good-looking car" in reference any one of countless classic rides ferrying a seemingly endless stream of c-list celbrities. And the marching bands, oh, there was an endless amount of marching bands.

Ray, being the blogtastic blogger that he is, was actually writing down notes on his laptop from the grandstands. I was happy with my notepad, in which I noted that Ray is a huge nerd for using his laptop and reading his future blog posts to me out loud in public. I was also puzzled as to why he was taking pictures of every single row of drivers. Ray, you don't have to pay attention until the fourth row or so, none of the people in the back are going to win.

I also noted that the Bob the Builder balloon is awesome, and Scooby Doo riding on top of the Mystery Mobile is more awesome. The Shriners, driving tiny replica race cars, are absoludicrously incredible. And in between floats promoting old people still being alive and science being cool, was the row-by-row driver line up for Sunday. Each row was preceeded by a giant star baloon that looked like Super Mario Bros. come to life. The crowd went crazy for Danica Patrick, seemingly unaware that her car isn't that fast and she hasn't finished better than 8th all year. She does look beautiful in person — cause I've never been so much struck by her beauty so much as her slowness — so I guess that's something to cheer for.

But Danica is nothing compared to Buddy Rice's wife, who is hott, hawt, and quite possibly even haut. Scott Sharp, flanked by two women so beautiful that they caused traffic to stop in a three-county radius, is cleary a pimp. Not to be outdone, Helio Castroneves brought three women in his car, one of whom is Miss Brazil. Note to self, get better at racecar driving.

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