The Banana madness struck about 2 am on Wednesday morning, when the man repeatedly backed his Ford Freestyle into the glass doors of the Newington, Connecticut gas station, took the banana, and ate it. Alarms were triggered, but the banana lust likely made the man completely oblivious to all sensory input other than what came from the soft, yielding banana meat.
The Freestyle is said to have minor damage to the driver's side taillight and rear bumper, as seen on surveillance video.
This may be the most fascinating crime I've ever heard of. I pay 19¢ for bananas. They may be the absolute cheapest thing I buy with any regularity. They're six cents cheaper than a game of Pac-Man. The man probably used more money in the gas spent ramming into the glass doors than that banana cost.
And yet I wish I wanted something, anything, as badly as that man wanted that banana.
The raw, wanton desire for banana that would drive a man to commit such a reckless act must be incredibly powerful. Such a banana hunger must make mere sexual desire seem like a passing whim, and drug addiction little more than a mild yearning.
This is banana madness. It's time to stop pretending it doesn't exist. It's here, and we need to be ready.
God help us all.