If you think you've had a bad cab ride, prepare to be humbled.
Oh, and before any of you rag endlessly about how all cab drivers are insane or bad or whatever, read this explainer right here from reader crazycabbie84 about the working conditions of the guy picking you up, and why you shouldn't assume the worst.
Unless one of the ten guys in these stories is behind the wheel.
10.) You Don't Need The Pedals To Drive, Do You?
Who needs to use the pedals when driving, really? One Las Vegas cabbie showed My X-Type Is Too A Real Jaaaaaaaaaaaag this rare technique.
Las Vegas, the driver sat cross legged in the driver's seat of a Dodge Caravan and used the cruise control to accelerate. He went down alleys and through rough neighborhoods so he wouldn't have to stop, never using his feet until he had to stop at the hotel.
Suggested By: My X-Type Is Too A Real Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaag, Photo Credit: Troy Goode
9.) Maybe It Wasn't The Cabbie's Fault
I'll leave it up to you to decide who was at fault when Bambino Torino ended up in jail after a cab ride gone wrong.
As a drunk college kid... One night, I was pretty lit, took a cab ride home like any responsible adult but somewhere along the line the motherfucker dropped me off parallel to my house one street over.. Thought it was my house, spent a while knocking and then spent a longer time in a jail cell.
Fucking Blue Ribbon Cab.
Suggested By: Bambino Torino, Photo Credit: Blue Ribbon Taxi
8.) Why You Don't Take Three-Seat Cabs In Mexico City
Mexico City isn't as full of old VW Beetle taxis today as it was when Brian, The Life of had this nightmare ride. That doesn't mean this story of armed robbery isn't worth remembering.
Mexico City, 1998. I was my second business trip into what would become a year in which I would spend over 200 days in that fine city. The company I worked for back then was launching an all new ATM product family and, as hardware product manager, I had to be very hands-on with our Mexican business partner to train them and our Mexican customers as we rolled out.
I hailed a cab. One of these.
It was the LAST TIME I ever did. Turns out there was a rash of taxi crimes afoot. To back up, there are were two kinds of taxis in DF. One kind were the "Sitio" taxis. These were the radio-dispatched units and were almost always Nissan Tsurus (previous gen Sentras). Then there were the "cowboy cabs," the VW bugs you see in the photo. These had the front passenger seat removed so it was just the back seat and drivers seat. Anywho, the modus operandi for the taxi criminals was to pick up a fare and then, when stopped at the next light, the "thief" would get in the front passenger seat area and squat down low, brandish a pistol, and tell the driver to go to an ATM. Once there, the thief would escort the victim to the ATM, force them to withdraw their daily limit (good thing there is such a thing when this happens). While difficult to prove, the taxi driver was almost always in on the deal and 90% of the time the "thief" was an off-duty cop using their service revolver for the crime.
That's exactly what happened to me. Dude had the classic Mexican copstash and all. Never. Again. ALWAYS use the Sitios. Always.
Suggested By: Brian, The Life of, Photo Credit: Steve Cadman
7.) Welcome To New York, Here's Your Fist Fight
Driving up or down Manhattan is a pretty straightforward affair. Going crosstown, however, is a Wild West feat of automobilism not for the faint of heart, as 3ch0 found out when his driver and the cabbie next to him took things outside.
I have been on numerous taxis in numerous countries. I've ridden in Tuk-Tuks (glorified three wheeled motorcycles with a covered bench) in the insane lawless trafic of Phnom Penh Cambodia. But NYC wins again:
We had this great weekend in NYC planned out. We were staying at the spectacular Ink 48 hotel on the West side, one street over from the Air and Space Museum on the USS Intrepid. We landed at La Guardia and hailed a cab.
All was well until we got into the city. Well, as smooth and comfortable as NYC cab rides are renowned to be. Once we got onto 48th to cross Manhattan, our driver (Caprice Classic) got into a major jousting for position game with another cab (Ford Escape). Beyond what I have experienced at anytime in a NY cab.
At one point, the side mirrors touched, and something snapped, literally: windows went down, and a major yelling match started that lasted for a good 15 minutes (roughly one street corner in the heavy traffic). Then, both drivers stopped and got out.
At this point, we look at each other in disbelief, and with a little bit of doubt/fear. We don't know where this is going, and we don't know if they plan to use something else than fists to fight each other. Realizing we can't just get out and get to cover, since all of our luggage is in the trunk, we kind of made ourselves small and invisible. We can't see in the other cab, so no clue who is in there.
So the drivers are now within an inch of each other's face, yelling at the top of their lungs, slinging racial slurs at each other and our driver's closed fist coming perilously close to the other driver's face. But he always pulled his punches and eventually, they stood down, and got back in their cars. The chorus of honking cabs probably helped...
Now, we are probably only halfway across the island. So the open window shouting match continues all the way to 10th avenue. Then, we turn left and finally get to the hotel.
Icing on the cake: we get out, and who had pulled-in to drop off his two customers at the same hotel? Yes, Mr. Ford Escape cabbie. So more yelling. I got to pay the man. More yelling. I give him a crappy tip. More yelling (not at me). The other couple is doing the same and looking at us in shock.
Full NYC experience. That was my worst cab ride.
Suggested By: 3ch0, Photo Credit: InSapphoWeTrust
6.) There's A Girl In This Cab
Sometimes friends leave other friends drunk in the back of taxis, as ForestRun discovered on one NYC trip.
I was in Manhattan with my wife for the weekend. One night we went to dinner near SoHo and afterwards hailed a cab back to our hotel. The cab had his light on but was sitting at a red light in the middle lane of a one-way street. He waved us over, so we run to the cab. Naturally the light turns green just as we're in the middle of the street so we just quickly jump in the cab where there happens to be a young girl in her mid-20's who's drunk and passed out.
She was sitting directly behind the cab driver so he didn't see her. Apparently she was out drinking with some friends. They all got into a cab to head home and then left her in there by accident - Home Alone style. Her phone was ringing off the hook (on vibrate), but she was too drunk to notice. We talked to her friends to get the address to drop her off.
Meanwhile, the cab driver, who is dumb as rocks, is upset because we diverted him from our original destination. We had to explain to him FOUR times that he had a person IN the car before we got in. Finally when he understood what was happening he admitted that he was on his way to the cab company to drop off the car, but decided to give us a ride. So if he hadn't picked us up, he would've probably left the car and the girl at the cab company parking garage and gone home for the night.
Suggested By: , Photo Credit: Marcin Wichary
5.) And You Think Riding In Them Is Bad
Wait until you've worked on them, BonEvilSSEi says.
I don't have a lot of riding in cabs stories because I was always too drunk to remember. I do have some horror stories from servicing some cabs on the business end.
We had one come in with the rear differential bearings so chewed up that the rear axle would literally hop up and down and back and forth 2-3 inches, it was a crown vic. They chose not to fix it but to just put it back in service. Things like tie rods and ball joints with close to an inch of play that I wouldn't put just the average joe back on the street in they let go knowing full well that they are going to be driving customers around in it that are paying to ride in a death trap.
Scary to think we put those things back on the road because they don't want to fix them.
Suggested By: BonEvilSSEi, Photo Credit: Susan Sermoneta
4.) The Cuban Nightclub On Wheels
This is sort of a best/worst one, KamikazePigeon explains, because even though he probably could have been killed in a horrific wreck, he did get a surprise disco instead of an ordinary taxi ride.
While in Varadero, Cuba on a family vacation in January earlier this year, a few cousins and family friends decided to get off the resort and experience the nightlife of "downtown" Varadero.
We decided that after dinner in downtown, we'd take our same taxi to what can only be described as a Club in a Cave because that's literally what it was . It was pretty cool. The only downside is everyone is allowed to smoke inside the cave and the ventilation system doesn't do very much.
Now at around 2am, we had enough of the heavy atmosphere and decided to head back to our resort. Outside the cave, there's a plethora of taxi cabs waiting to take the people back to their hotels and resorts. This allowed us to barter for the price we want to be taken back to our resort. After a few minutes of asking, one fellow agreed to our price under a certain condition. If we have as much fun in the cab on the way back to the resort as we did in the club, we'd have to pay him his normal price (~10CUC more). We drunkenly told him "Deal!" It's a taxi. What could he possibly do?
The 4 of us file into the taxi. The second the last door shut, he turned up the music, revved the engine, pinged the rev limiter once or twice and dropped the clutch. We rocketed down the dirt road away from the club towards the highway. My cousin and her friend were instantly burst into a scream that slowly turned into laughter once we slowed down to the stop sign that connected to the main highway. While he was slowing down we all just started laughing uncontrollably, and my cousin screams in laughter, "Oh my God, we're going to die!!"
This is a long one, so I'm gonna cut it short. Definitely read the rest of the story right here.
Suggested By: KamikazePigeon, Photo Credit: Rinaldo Wurglitsch
3.) Puke And Boob Grease: A Bachelorette Party Gone Wrong
And now for a driver's perspective from maximillious. This one hails from Wisconsin's tourist trap Wisconsin Dells and it has so much more greasy Mexican food emitted from all-too-many orifices than a person should ever see.
A few years ago I was a Cab Driver in Wisconsin Dells. For those of you that do not know, The Dells is a tourist trap of a town centered around Water Parks and Vegas wannabe style hotels that cater to fat lazy midwesterners looking for a taste of the out doors without going outside. At night The Dells panders to scores of drunken, horny and obnoxious bachelor/ette partie. Being a driver in this town you had the opportunity to make a shit load of cash in the few short summer months that attracted the throngs of degenerates that it did. There is one particular night that stands out most in my memory and it goes a little something like this.
Its 6 pm on a saturday night and I get a call from my dispatcher to pick up a group of 7 girls from a Hotel Condo. These two bits of information were all i needed to conclude Bachelorette party. Upon arriving 7 sparsely dressed and already drunk girls stumbled out of their condo and snaked their way to my shit box of a taxi. As each screeching drunk girl (slightly larger than the previous) piles into my busted ass van I feel the suspension start to sag. Once all these proper you ladies piled in it was off to the local Mexican eatery to feed. The entire drive was centered around yelling the stereotypical "WOOOOOO" out of the windows (my cab didn't have a sun roof they could fit through) at unsuspecting families as they sauntered their way back from baking at the water park. While my fair maidens weren't screeching out the window they were busy at play with one of several large inflatable dicks they thought they needed to bring to dinner. This included hitting yours truly on the face and head with said inflatable dildos as I carried their lives in my hands.
This is another long one, so I'm going to cut it short here. You need to click right here to get the full thing, right down to the very unwanted boob grease.
Suggested By: maximillious, Photo Credit: Wisconsin Dells Taxi
2.) The Mystery of the Lost Shirt
The craziest taxi stories seem to come from overseas GIs, possibly because they're the only ones who actually encourage their cabbies to drive like maniacs. Reader Diesel still has no clue how his friend lost his shirt.
Many years ago, I was a GI stationed in Korea. One night, after a long night of drinking, my friend and I hopped in a Korean taxi to go back to our base. I told him I'd pay him double if he went "bballi bballi" which is Korean for fast as possible. I didn't know there were rice fields with dikes he could cut through, and even in my inebriated state, I could say that he was better on dirt and gravel than I will ever be. I honestly felt like I was a passenger on a hardcore rally course, without pace notes and with alcohol sloshing around in my stomach begging to get free. My buddy didn't take it as well, he lost his shirt and his stomach contents by the end of the ride. To this day, I still wonder how he lost his shirt.
Suggested By: Diesel, Photo Credit: James Cridland
1.) Two Words Say It All
This one comes from reader JaysusWept, and there's no way anyone can really top him.
Suggested By: JaysusWept, Photo Credit: Pank Saleen
Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day's Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It's by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!
Photo Credit: catiemagee